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Katherine
Savvy August 2022

Friends relationship change-uninvite?

Katherine, on June 20, 2022 at 12:32 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 15
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My fiancé has a group of about 9 friends that we planned on inviting to the wedding (save the dates have been sent). Unfortunately, they seem to have cut FH off from their friend group in the past couple of months. He has tried to get back into the group or see why he’s suddenly being excluded but they aren’t being responsive at all. For that he has no desire for them to attend our wedding as he just wishes to move on from that group.
We are getting ready to send invitations early this week. I know it’s rude to Uninvite people, but why invite people who don’t care about us when we could fill their chairs with some people that do care and we would rather have present.
Do we send them invites or not?

15 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on June 24, 2022 at 10:15 AM
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    Oh that’s rough. There’s a saying that when someone shows you their true colors and feelings, believe them. After attempts by your fiancé are repeatedly being ignored, it’s time for him to stop pursuing the friendships to be reinstated.


    Uninviting someone says that you are done with the friendship/relationship. But since you mentioned that invites have not been sent yet, you are not uninviting anyone. Definitely follow your gut and don’t send any of these people an invitation. An invitation should only be sent to closest friends and family whom you can not imagine the day without. These friendships are now in the past so you and fiancé need to focus on the future and find better friends who like you as you are.
    • Reply
  • Katherine
    Savvy August 2022
    Katherine ·
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    We have sent them Save the Dates though so they are *expecting* to be invited I would think. 2 of them even purchased gifts off our registry already after they got the Save the Dates (which were sent about 3 months before things went weird with the group).
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    I would still not invite them. Send a thank you note out of courtesy for the gifts and move on. This situation is an exception to the rule of sending an invitation after a save the date.
    • Reply
  • Jacks
    Champion November 2054
    Jacks ·
    • Flag

    Save the date is the same as an invite, but if he isn't interested in continuing the friendships then I guess he can choose not to.

    That's often the trouble with STD's and picking wedding parties early. Things change.

    I'm sorry that happened to him.

    • Reply
  • S
    Dedicated September 2022
    Sara Online ·
    • Flag
    That is tough. If this was me, I would honestly still probably send the invite and hope and pray they didn’t come. Sounds like the won’t. But, if they got a “save the date” and some sent gifts, they should probably get an invite. Sorry you’re in this pickle.
    • Reply
  • Jasmine S.
    Rockstar May 2022
    Jasmine S. ·
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    I agree with this. Since you already sent save-the-dates, it would be very rude not to follow up with an invite, but if none of them really want to be friends with your FH anymore, they may decline the invite. Would having these people attend ruin the wedding for your FH? Or could he just politely say hi once and then ignore them all night?
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  • Cece
    Rockstar November 2022
    Cece Online ·
    • Flag
    Usually if you have sent a STD, you should follow up with an invitation. However, since these people have cut off contact with your fiancé and have ended the friendship, I don’t see any reason to invite them to an event that is reserved for those closest to you. Under the circumstances, I highly doubt they are expecting an invite (and may even think it odd to receive one).
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  • Imani
    Rockstar July 2022
    Imani Online ·
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    I wouldn’t invite them. The STD wasn’t an official invitation. With the way they’re treating your fiancé, I’d say not send them an invitation.
    • Reply
  • Jacks
    Champion November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    This is an exception but of course in most cases the STD is the same as a formal invitation. You've asked people to put aside their time to attend this event, so you usually must follow through with an invitation. It's the same as an official invitation.

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  • Imani
    Rockstar July 2022
    Imani Online ·
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    Thank you for letting me know, because honestly I didn’t know that. I only thought the formal invitation was the actual invitation, so thank you for educating me Jacks.
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  • Jacks
    Champion November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    No problem!

    Yes, the STD needs to be considered an invitation. That's why it's problematic to send them out too early, because things change, and then you're stuck with the guest list. Not following an STD up with an actual invitation is considered rude.

    Occasions I see people using STD's as a sort of advance poll on who's interested in attending, which is also not the appropriate use of STD's.

    Just wanted to point that out.

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  • Imani
    Rockstar July 2022
    Imani Online ·
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    Thanks a lot! My sister is getting married next year and I’m definitely going to let her know this information!
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  • S
    Dedicated September 2022
    S ·
    • Flag

    I'm sorry your fiance is experiencing this! It's definitely a difficult predicament you find yourselves in. I actually had something exactly like this happen to me - it was a coworker that I sort of considered a friend, and I honestly wasn't going to invite her initially but she kind of put me in an awkward position and asked me at the office in front of everyone "I'm invited, right?" - I'd already sent STDs to everyone a couple weeks prior, and because I was thrown so off-guard, I just said 'Yeah!' lol. I went ahead and dutifully placed a STD in the mail, but fast-forward just a couple of months, she took a new job and blocked me on Instagram lol. No clue why and nothing happened between us, but it is what it is... I grappled with what to do and truly didn't want to send the official invitation because I felt hurt, but in the end I sent her an invitation because I felt like that was the right thing to do. She never responded and our RSVP deadline has passed, so I don't think she'll plan on coming - if you go ahead and send invitation to those folks, perhaps some or all of them just won't come given their changed feelings about the friendship...

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  • E
    Super July 2023
    Eniale ·
    • Flag

    This is difficult, because I find friendships ebb and flow. I go periods of time without talking to friends, just as life gets busy or my own mental state fluctuates.

    The fact that some of them also have already purchased gifts for you would suggest to me that they don't perceive this situation the same way your FH does. If they had no desire to be his friend anymore, why would they spend their hard-earned money on you?

    Tread carefully, because they certainly are expecting to be invited (see again: purchased gifts). Not sending an invite will likely be a friendship-ending move. Make sure your FH is completely comfortable with these ties being cut, not only for the wedding, but beyond it.

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  • Michelle
    Rockstar August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    I think it may be the spouses that purchased the registry gifts 3 months ago, as i cannot remember men to be so thoughtful. I would send a thank you card for that gift per etiquette, and follow your husband's instincts that these relationships are over. Men don't talk in code. If they want to rekindle the friendship it can be done at another time, not at a drama-filled wedding.

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