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Devoted January 2021

Friend/bridesmaid issues

gratia01, on January 22, 2020 at 3:28 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 7

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This is about to be LONG so the TL;DR is that I feel obligated to have my friend in my wedding since we’ve been close friends for a long time, even though she’s a difficult person. She’s assuming she’s a bridesmaid to boot.

Here’s my problem: I’ve been “BFFs” with this girl for like 5 years. We have been through a lot together and I’ve always tried to be there for her. We used to be SUPER close. However, she’s never really been a legitimately good friend to me. Never supportive of what I want, it’s always about what she thinks. When we talk on the phone she spends 45 minutes telling me how great her other friends are and venting about her troubles and I get in five sentences about work and what I’m making for dinner and she’ll be like “well I better go I’m glad things are good!” It’s so frustrating. And then she also has this attitude like she’s better than everyone else, and uses her mental health as an excuse for being super rude and judgmental. I am still “friends” with her but I haven’t been making much effort lately since her behavior is hurtful and draining. She also doesn’t really like that I’m getting married at all plus openly dislikes my FH and is really rude to him and while talking about him. Because of our long friendship she’s assuming she’s in the wedding party although I haven’t officially asked anyone. At one point she literally said “if you have a wedding party and I’m not in it I’m going to be really offended and angry”. At this point I don’t really want her at the wedding at all, but I feel like not asking her will be the end of our friendship and part of me still doesn’t want to lose her. Maybe it’s some weird form of Stockholm syndrome?

Sorry for the rant but I’m just really struggling. Any advice?

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7 Comments

Latest activity by Nicole, on January 23, 2020 at 2:42 PM

Just Said Yes September 2023
Icey · on January 22, 2020 at 3:38 AM
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She seems to be someone who is very toxic and has no respect for you or your relationship. If you truly don’t want her in the party then you have to express that and if you do and she tries to make it about her (plenty of people that do that too) then you need to put your foot down and say no. It’s your special day, you don’t need that extra stress.
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VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on January 22, 2020 at 4:47 AM
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I would most definitely not have her in the bridal party.

To be honest I can relate to this entirely - I love my best friend but she is constantly pushing my buttons in so many ways, yet I knew for a while I wanted to have her as my MOH. It was my mum who said to me I’d regret having her in the brida party and having reflected on it, I knew it would strain our relationship so chose not to have her in the bridal party at all. I had to actually tell her because I’d previously confirmed (prior to my engagement) that she’d be my MOH.

I wouldn’t explicitly mention it to your friend (unless you are in a similar boat to what I experienced and kinda had to) but rather tell her only if she approaches you. If she asks why (from what you’ve described it sounds like she will) I would be stern and say that you can’t have someone in your bridal party who doesn’t like your FH. I’m appalled that she expects to be in the bridal party despite saying awful things about him!
As for this friend generally, like with my own, I think you and I both have these toxic people in our lives who we don’t necessarily want to cut off, but I suspect something will give later which will lead to the ties being severed.
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VIP September 2019
Mrs. Bubba · on January 22, 2020 at 7:59 AM
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✂️her loose‼️
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VIP September 2020
Kelsey · on January 22, 2020 at 9:18 AM
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I can totally relate to this. I had a friend who I initially asked to be a bridesmaid, we became friends in college and even though we didn't see each much talked regularly. A few months ago she started to become worse, only wanting to talk about herself and her problems. Never bothering to ask how I was. She had a lot of issues and needed help (like therapy). For me it was becoming mentally draining to the point that I didn't even want to talk to her that much and would ignore her messages. Then she started bad mouthing my FH and his family. Even though she has never met his family, I had to draw the line. I told her this was unacceptable and that if you can't be nice to them or at least be respectful to them I'm not sure if I can continue with this friendship. She was insulting them due to their military service and saying many rude things. Which didn't sit well with me because my FH and his family are veterans. A few days later I looked and she blocked and deleted me on Facebook. I consider the friendship done. I look at this way a year from now I probably would have regretted having her in all my wedding pictures so better to do it now then later.
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Expert August 2020
Jodie · on January 22, 2020 at 9:24 AM
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I was in a similar position. One of my BFFs that I have been friends with for over 20 years is sort of the same way. She gets mad when I can't just drop everything and hang out at her house (30 minutes away from mine) every day anymore because I'm always busy with work or wedding stuff or just really don't have the energy to be driving all over anymore (my commute every day is anywhere between 45 minutes to 2 hours depending on where I'm scheduled that day) and I really just don't want to drive anymore sometimes. She stops talking to me for weeks because of it. She has only ever come over to my house twice in the last 5 years. Anyway...I declined to have her in my bridal party because I didn't want the added stress. She was pretty upset about it but I remained firm and stood by my decision. I'm glad I did.
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Dedicated February 2020
MrsE2020 · on January 22, 2020 at 5:13 PM
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You aren't obligated to have her in your bridal party. That being said, it may just be because I am older that I have learned this but it's not about the quantity of friends you have, it's the quality. I have "broken up" with a few friends since my mid 30's and have been so much better off because of it. I'm not talking ghosting them or losing touch, I am talking about an actual discussion about what was bothering me. A couple of friends, we had a great conversation and worked things out, a couple of them, it wasn't pleasant but it boiled down to that either I couldn't be the friend they needed or they weren't adding to my life and causing drama. Of course, in the midst of wedding planning might not be the time to have these conversations, but you (theoretically) only get one wedding day so make it about you and if you're not feeling it, don't include her!
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Super October 2021
Nicole · on January 23, 2020 at 2:42 PM
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She seems incredibly toxic and immature. I was in a situation with a long term friend that i was growing apart from before getting engaged and i confided in my mom and sister about what to do. THeir advice was to think about how i anticipated my friend acting at events (bridal shower, bachelorette, and wedding). And when i thought about that i realized its not the type of energy i want around me on such important days so i decided not to have her as a bridesmaid.
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