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Just Said Yes September 2024

Friend Upset About Not Being in Bridal Party

Katie, on February 26, 2024 at 8:19 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 11
Hi! This is my first time writing in one of these blogs and I hope you all can help me out! I have a dilemma with one of my good friends. He is a dear friend of mine who I’ve been friends with since we were little. As we’ve gotten older, he’s since then gotten into a serious relationship with his bf of almost 10 years and this bf has also become a good friend of mine. We basically hangout as a group now with my other best friend. I always talked about including my friend in my wedding one day. I got engaged last year and when it came time to pick my bridal party, I was struggling a bit as I had a lot of fam to include. I included my fiancé's three sisters, my cousin whose wedding I was in, my childhood friend whose wedding I was in, my brother (man of honor), my best friend (maid of honor), and my college best friend. I of course considered my friend but my worry was having his bf feel left out so I decided to not include him in the party and find another role for him for the wedding. I made my decision fairly quickly so I can get jump on wedding planning. I told this friend that I still wanted him involved some how and he seemed totally fine. Months had gone by and when it came time for the bachelorette, my friend and his bf backed out due to scheduling, but I had heard that if my friend was in the wedding party they would have made an effort to come. Naturally that hurt my feelings and I didn’t know that his feelings were so hurt so I wanted to talk to him and discuss my reasoning. For weeks I was trying to make plans with him and it felt like he was dodging me. Finally we were able to meet for lunch and I asked him if he wanted to be part of the wedding ceremony and he seemed underwhelmed when I asked. We then talked about my decision for the bridal party and I explained my reasoning and he just kept saying I thought I would be part of it and that his bf did too. He also said many people were telling him they were so shocked he wasn’t included which made me feel even worse. Ultimately I felt I made the wrong decision and I told him that I would love him to be part of the wedding day however he wants. After talking with my fiancé, I truly felt that my thinking was off and I was worried too much about hurting his bf’s feeling than his own and I figured he would be part of all the celebrations. Is it too late to ask him to be in the wedding party? For timing, wedding is in September and only thing I’ve talked to bridal party about is dress color!

11 Comments

Latest activity by Aria, on April 5, 2024 at 11:44 AM
  • Andrea
    Rockstar January 2024
    Andrea ·
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    I think that after saying for so long that you’d include him, it was very understandable for him to be upset about being excluded. And coming up months later with a weak “hey, want to be in the ceremony?” without a specific role and explanation of why he was the only person you could picture for this important role was really not much help.


    Where exactly are you in the wedding process? You’ve already had a bachelorette party but haven’t talked to your bridal party about what to wear? I think that after months, you’re too late to ask him to the bridal party without it feeling like a pity ask.
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  • K
    Just Said Yes September 2024
    Katie ·
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    I hear you! I haven’t had my bachelorette, it’s not till summer, we’re just booking/planning, and I shared only the color scheme of what I was thinking for dresses. Nothing has been decided for dresses.


    I told him from the beginning that I wanted him as part of the wedding, but I should have explained to him my thought process of picking who I picked from the beginning.
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  • S
    Rockstar June 2030
    Skylar ·
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    I would try talking to him privately about it. Don't address the rumors, just say that you were concerned about his boyfriend being left out and you didn't want to have him left out. Maybe his boyfriend could be an usher or something? That is if he wants to
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Yeah anything at this point is going to seem like a consolation effort. It sounds like you really "asked" him ages ago then didn't follow through, so I can understand his hurt feelings about that. Re: the bachelorette, yeah his point is fair, a lot of those multi day destination bachelorettes do place a financial burden on people. I can see the point of not making it a priority at this point.

    I would have a conversation with him and explain not your rationale for who you did pick but your regret about not including him. Ask him what it is he needs in order for the friendship to thrive, and let him know that you're willing to make it right. I'm not sure what else you can really do.

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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    I addressed this in the post you made on the other board, but the upshot is anything at this point is going to look like a consolation effort.

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  • K
    Just Said Yes September 2024
    Katie ·
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    Thanks for your response. He was always supposed to be part of the day, whether it was doing a reading or walking one of my fam members down the aisle. I wanted him part of the day and he knew that from when I made the decision months ago. I was wrong in my thinking with regards to the bridal party and I was focusing too much on sparing his bf’s feeling than thinking about his own.


    I also haven’t done much wedding planning since then, all of my big vendors were taken care of and I had a bit of down time so there was nothing to discuss or be involved in when it came to the wedding. I’ve only mentioned to my bridesmaids the color scheme so they could get a start on looking for dresses and the Bach, which he was part of. I really didn’t know it was bothering him until I heard that he and his bf decided to not go on my bachelorette party that is scheduled for June and when people were pointing it out to him.
    I admit I was wrong and should have addressed this head on. And I also regret not including him in the first place. So I’m trying to make amends the best way I can.
    If he sees it as a pity offer then I can’t change that, But I want to ask him the right way and make up for my misjudgment, and if he says no he then he says no
    As long as he knows that he’s important to me and I always wanted him as part of the day


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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    I hope it all goes well for you!

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  • C
    CM ·
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    It would have been one thing if you had never said anything or limited the bridal party to family only, for example, which with your numbers I probably would have done, personally. But with your bridal party at 8 people, and already a mixed gender group, any excuse was going to come across as disingenuous, including your concern that his boyfriend would be at loose ends. Everyone whose bridesmaid or best man has a SO is in that same position. People work out the logistics.

    Nobody likes to be second choice, and while it's never "too late" to apologize, and do whatever it takes to let him know how much it means to you, his reaction at this point is not surprising.

    Personally, I would consider it a favor not to be invited to most bachelorettes these days, especially the expensive, multi-day, destination variety. He may have just felt more obligated to go if he was in the bridal party, which of course isn't true, either.

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  • Emileeashly
    Beginner May 2025
    Emileeashly ·
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    I say do whatever your heart feel is right. You’re not always gonna be able to please everyone. This is your wedding not his. And if he can’t respect that is that someone you truly want there on your big day?
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle Online ·
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    Most people in real life generally are not upset by not being a bridesmaid or groomsman because they don’t enjoy the role for whatever reason (financial, time wise, the bride or groom is demanding) and prefer to be a regular guest. But for whatever reason, people online don’t consider that to be legitimate as being “included” in the wedding. In your situation, you mentioned that they would be asked, so they may be expecting it. You made the offer and are not following through so that threatens your credibility in their eyes. They may not even want to be an attendant but they are upset that you are not staying true to your word without voicing a reason for changing your mind.
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  • Aria
    Just Said Yes May 2023
    Aria ·
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    Hi Katie,

    I was in a very similar position to your friend where I was fully expecting to be in one of my best friend's bridal parties, but instead was asked to do a prayer before dinner instead.... Meanwhile, she had a bridal party of 7 girls, including friends and family.

    I was hurt by this for years. It ultimately ended our friendship because I felt like I valued our friendship more than she did, as I really considered her my best friend. And like you, she had mentioned I would be her MOH one day. I just stopped putting any effort into our friendship. BUT, I do regret ending that friendship now...6 years later, as she was an amazing person and great friend...and that all went down the drain for a wedding.

    With that said, your friend is going to be very, very hurt for a while and may react the same way I did (putting lack of effort into friendship). This doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it just means he is hurting and doesn't feel as valued. So I would recommend you do what you can to make him feel valued beyond your wedding day if maintaining the friendship is important to you.

    It's too late now to include him in the wedding party, so just make sure how you treat him from this point forward is with care, attention, respect, and love Smiley smile

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