Aubrey
Just Said Yes July 2020

Friend pressuring me to make her my bridesmaid

Aubrey, on December 17, 2019 at 5:16 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 10
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Sorry, long post. This weekend while visiting me, one of my best friends who I have fallen out of touch with slightly, made a pretty strong campaign to be asked to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. She was actually pretty manipulative about it and I won’t go into the details but she spent the first 24 hours of her visit reminding me of all of the times that she’s been to visit me over the years, something I thought was kind of odd because I’ve actually been much more dedicated to visiting her than she has, and we both know it. After a few annoying conversations like that, including a very long one that got kind of tense when she was insisting that we’ve visited each other 12 times in the last five years, we finally agreed it was only eight visits including this one and she was sort of grumpy about that. I couldn’t understand why we were focusing on all of this history instead of on what drink I was going to make her what we were planning to do this weekend. Later in the night she created an intimate chat situation between us while her wife and my fiancé were in bed and kept asking me what my wedding date was and when she should come into town and I reminded her of the day and I told her she could come in to town whenever she wanted ... then it was kind of awkward because I was super tired and she said OK honey you look sleepy go to bed. I realize now she was fishing around for an invitation to be in my wedding party. The next day while driving, she told me she had something “sensitive” to talk to me about. I asked her if we needed to talk about it right then as I’m driving, and she proceeds to tell me that she has “a lot of anxiety around my wedding“ and goes on to tell me that she thought about not bringing this up until the end of the weekend (as her wife advised her), but since “we are besties” and “she knew she could tell me anything and that we could handle it.” I still had no idea what she was talking about. I asked her what she meant by anxiety Around my wedding. She then went on to tell me a backstory about how two of her friends in the past that she expected to be invited to be in their wedding parties did not ask her and it was very hurtful and very awkward. She told me that one of them had been the officiant at her own wedding and she expected to be in his wedding party but he didn’t invite her – instead he “asked her to read a poem“ to which she rolled her eyes like it wasn’t good enough. She expected me to laugh with her about how ridiculous that was, like being demoted to anything but a member of the wedding party was insulting. Since I don’t actually agree with that, I just listened sympathetically but started to get anxious because I realize that she was definitely gearing up to put pressure on me to put her in my wedding party so she can feel special after not feeling special at two other weddings between people I don’t know and don’t care about. Truly I was out raged that she was putting this kind of pressure on me to redeem her from past social sites on my wedding day. Finally she tells me that it was very hurtful and that she knows how important she is to me and how much I love her and that we are Besty‘s and that if I was having any doubts about putting her on my bridal party because she lives out of state, those should not be taken into consideration because she can always fly into town for events and parties and arrive before the wedding and stay after to help. I said thanks but I have of me that kind of decision yet and there are a lot of people in my life and family that I’m needing to consider. Plus, we are keeping it small. She then goes on to say that the most hurtful part of her past friends weddings was that no one bothered to have a conversation with her about why she wasn’t in the wedding party. Again I didn’t have much to say. Because as far as I’m concerned, that’s an issue she needs to take up with those friends. Instead of putting pressure on me to treat my own Wedding Party decisions as though there something I need to explain, I apologize for and be accountable for to my wedding guests that are not in my party. She did say several times that no matter what, she would be at the wedding whether she was in the party or not she just wanted me to know that she’s available to be in the party and that should be really hurt if I didn’t include her and didn’t have a conversation about why.
The truth is that I was already considering asking her to be in my party but now I’m rethinking that. She’s always been a bit selfish and has made everything about her – whether it’s her addiction or her recovery or her boundaries or her therapy or this restaurant she needs to go to or how she needs to spend two hours in this thrift store or how she wants to put her music on the Bluetooth all we can long etc. Even my fiancé noticed that every time we see her it seems like I end up feeling bad in someway because she’s done something to take care of herself and her needs that leaves me feeling small. When we go to visit her the last two times she’d sleep in until noon well we made brunch for the whole house and then just decided to eat it ourselves and go for a walk. We even left our visit early last time because of something similar. I was hurt this weekend that we weren’t given much of a chance to talk about our wedding in the plans we have made that like this week we just arranged a florist and are trying to decide about a photographer and are brainstorming live music versus a DJ, none of which she knows anything about or didn’t bother asking. When I showed her pictures of the dresses I was considering she just said things like oh that’s nice and didn’t have any follow-up questions or suggestions. I think it’s also important to note that she’s been married twice and I was not invited to either wedding. Her first wedding was a very small intimate elopement Dash she and her ex-husband surprised a small group of their friends by having a pop-up wedding one weekend while they were all staying at a lake house together. I was very hurt that she hadn’t invited me to be a part of that but as she explained it, it wasn’t that sort of thing and there was no family present or any friends from out of town, it was just with that one group of friends. It still hurt me. Years later, she recently met and married her wife, who I like very much but don’t know very well. This was more of a courthouse wedding. They got married secretly and did not even tell their families for lots of reasons. But again, I wasn’t involved in that wedding of hers either. It seems ridiculous to me that she feels like she can make assumptions about how my wedding is going to be organized and that she feels I have to account for any decisions I make that day at all. It’s so selfish and just makes her need to feel special and be distinguished more important than providing me with support, keeping my stress level low, and offering help. At no point did she ask what she could actually do to help or offered to help in a very specific way that she came up with on her own. It was clear to me that the only important thing was being honored with a role in the wedding party. When I told her I had a lot of good girlfriends to consider she’s coughed… And said who? I mentioned a few names and she said I don’t even know those girls! And I said no, you don’t, they live here in town with me and are part of my life. None of them have asked to be in my bridal party, but one of Them, for example, offered to make my wedding dress. The other one has come to see three wedding venues with me. So, whether you know them or not, they are good friends of mine who have been very helpful in my wedding planning. That kind of shut her up and she just repeated that she would be at my wedding no matter what but if I decided not to put her in my party she’d like to know why. I guess I’m just writing all of this here because I don’t feel like I have a safe space to vent about it anywhere else. Any advice would be helpful.

10 Comments

Latest activity by Suzie, on December 22, 2019 at 9:36 PM
  • Michaela
    Super May 2020
    Michaela ·
    • Flag

    That does sound like a lot of pressure. If she brings it up again, I would tell her that you are not ready to make that decision and to stop asking. When you are ready to make the decision, it should be enough time between now and then, that you will feel less pressured (hopefully). Pick who you want! If she makes the cut great, if not, don't let her make you feel badly

    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    In my opinion but I would not let her pressure you. Whether her past weddings were small she never included you and now she expects to be in your party. Personally, it sounds like she just wants to feel important and is willing to guilt you into making her feel special. I would say that if she brings it up again maybe honestly say that if you choose to have her that will be your choice but her constantly asking is a bit off putting and not convincing you otherwise. I would ask you to decide if her friendship is that important to you because worse case if you do not choose her she may not want to come to your wedding or continue the friendship. Ultimately decide what you want to do and now what she wants you to do.

    • Reply
  • Sophie
    Devoted June 2021
    Sophie ·
    • Flag
    That is a really tough situation! I was feeling a little pity for her until you said you weren’t invited to EITHER of her weddings! You definitely go with what you want, and don’t let her make it about her. This is your special day and the people standing up there with you should be your nearest and dearest and the ones who care the most about you, and it doesn’t really sound like she fits the bill. She can deal with it, but in the end of the day you should do what will make you happiest and the least stressed Smiley smile
    • Reply
  • Crystal
    Devoted October 2020
    Crystal ·
    • Flag
    I got about a third through and thought “this isn’t your friend” and then I read your FH basically said the same thing. She’s not your friend.


    No matter what she’ll be at your wedding? That either sounds like a drama ready trap or she fears you’re not going to invite her.
    • Reply
  • J
    Expert May 2021
    Jaime ·
    • Flag

    That gave me anxiety reading. I would honestly not ask this person to be in the wedding party - I think this is only foreshadowing to what it would be like to have her included.

    • Reply
  • Taylor
    VIP October 2020
    Taylor ·
    • Flag

    It sounds like she needs to get a thicker skin. I'm not emotional or sensitive at all so coming from me, she sounds so over the top... I would not ask her to be in your wedding. It sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen.

    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    VIP August 2021
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag

    She isn't a good friend at all. She is immature and manipulative. That takes a lot of nerve to pressure her " best friend" to be in your wedding when she didn't invite you to BOTH of her weddings. She just wants the attention that goes with being in a wedding. do not ask her to be a bridesmaid.

    • Reply
  • Cristy
    Master May 2021
    Cristy ·
    • Flag

    Sounds like she is looking for a way to make YOUR wedding all about HER. Nope. Not going to happen.

    It also sounds like you have other friends who are very supportive and actually act like friends. Have them instead. Don't invite this woman to be in your wedding party. You will end up regretting it. You don't need this kind of drama.

    • Reply
  • Sara
    Expert February 2020
    Sara ·
    • Flag
    I agree with the others. I would not have her in the party. She's not a friend.
    • Reply
  • Suzie
    Super October 2021
    Suzie ·
    • Flag

    She’s already making your decision about the wedding party all about her. How manipulative! Her backstory about other people’s weddings is irrelevant to you. She’s literally guilt tripping you into asking her. Nope. Nope nope nope. I say don’t invite her, and since she clearly needs the validation of why not, tell her you have closer friends that are nearby.... or whatever you decide bc it’s YOUR choice! I got irritated just reading your post. I honestly see her making your planning miserable and then your day all about her. Let her attend as a guest. You need your supportive friends with you, who didn’t guilt you or manipulate their way into your wedding. The fact that she felt the need to do so really shows her character. Good luck!

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