Friend is upset about not being a bridesmaid

You do not need to reach out and tell her why she isn't a bridesmaid. If she wants to discuss it, then she needs to be an adult and not have her ex-boyfriend text you about it. (It is entirely possible, however unlikely, that she expressed her sadness and he went through her phone for your number and took it upon himself to contact you.) If she asks, you can just tell her that you wanted the people you're closest with now to be in your bridal party - unless you want to end the friendship, I wouldn't bring up any of the things you brought up here.

Ignore their little game (you know she made her ex text you). Passive-aggressive people simply cannot handle confrontation. Ask yourself if you would be relieved if she declined your wedding invitation. If yes, then don't chase non-friendships.

You don't need to apologize or explain your choices. In fact, it will likely make things worse. Think of a one sentence line you'll say if she confronts you, and leave it at that. Something like "unfortunately not everyone can be in the wedding party but so looking forward to celebrating with you at the wedding". If she persists I'd say something like "ok so now I'm feeling uncomfortable so lets talk about something else".

I definitely don’t think you owe her an explanation at this point. If she asks about it (herself, not through someone else), you can say something polite and vague, like you picked people currently close to you and fiancé/have been part of your relationship these past couple years, but that you are super appreciative that she wants to be involved and you’re excited to have her at the wedding. Really, it doesn’t sound like she’ll ask if she’s the type of person to avoid confrontation.

No one is owed an explanation on why they were not picked to be a bridesmaid. Who is in the wedding party is up to the bride and groom and no one else. No one should expect to be picked or think they are entitled to it.


I would advise though to leave off a lot of wedding updates from Instagram. Especially ones that mention names of people and what they’re doing for your wedding. It prevents a lot of drama, people trying ask questions or shove their opinions in about your choices, and things getting forwarded or reshared to people you do not want knowing things or strangers who just shouldn’t know that stuff. The more people that see and know things, the more stress and headaches you’ll have to contend with.

I have also been a people-pleaser my whole life so I get it! But first off I want to say GOOD FOR YOU for choosing to protect yourself here. I have had friends like this and they are not the people you want in the middle of everything. A friend of mine invited a girl to her bachelorette party because the girl was upset she wasn’t a bridesmaid (they weren’t even that close…) and while she didn’t create an issue, she did find ways to make things about herself which was annoying.


Unfortunately with these people my advice is to distance yourself. That’s what ultimately worked for me. But I also understand that she’s coming to the engagement party so you’re going to see her. However I would not reach out. There’s nothing to explain, unless she asks, and then your reasoning is that you have a strong relationship with the girls you chose and you could only have so many people. It would be an uncomfortable conversation but you have nothing to prove, and you’ve done nothing wrong. Just because she has issues, doesn’t mean she gets to bring them into your life, as well.

Firstly, it's important to remember that you are not responsible for your friend's reactions or emotions. While it's unfortunate that she was hurt by not being asked to be a bridesmaid, it's not your fault or responsibility to manage her feelings. It's also concerning that her ex-boyfriend got involved, but it's best to ignore any passive-aggressive texts and not engage in drama.

In terms of the upcoming engagement party, it's up to you whether or not you want to explain to your friend why she wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid. If you do decide to have a conversation with her, it might be helpful to approach it with empathy and understanding, but also be firm in your decision. You can explain that you value your friendship but ultimately had to make a difficult decision about your bridal party, and that it wasn't a personal rejection of her.

Hi All, Not sure if this blog is still open. I recently got engaged and asked my two sisters and best friend to be my bridesmaids. My sisters dont get on at all, mainly due to a row they had in the past two years where one sister was completly in the wrong and had hurt my other sister. My younger sister who had been hurt and extended an olive branch on several occassions to try and repair the sibling relationship even though she was not a fault.

When i asked both of them seperately, they both said yes. Following this, possibly 6 weeks after this , my older sister decides to phone me one day, informing me that she is pregnant and due in fall this year. i was delighted for her, i told her the wedding wasnt until the following spring. She paused and said oh... she started making out that with her having a 3rd child now that on the day of my wedding that she would not be able to fulfill all her duties as bridesmaid as she would be in and out with the baby, etc. She wanted me to make the decision for her to say its ok you dont have to be bridesmaid. I was hurt but in a way relieved that she said she was pulling out as she is very dramtic, uses manipulative tactics to get her way all through childhood and into adolence.

So then, i needed to find a third bridesmaid and i had to make the hard decision to pick between two best friends, i had grown close to one of these ladies over the past 2 years and although we have all been friends for 20 years or more, i just felt more comfortable having her as my 3rd bridesmaid.

She said yes, but asked first did i want to choose the other friend instead. I said no because i wanted her. Following this, i contacted the other friend by phone to break the news as she lives in another country and when i started off the phone conversation i gave her the wrong impression as she thought i was going asking her. After the phone conversation i thought she was ok with the situation and ended the call on good terms.

After the call, she met up with other friend whom i had asked to be third bridesmaid and the friend whom i didnt ask, started telling everyone at party including my third bridesmaid how hurt she was by my choice. Thought she would have had the upper hand being asked over the other girl, also said this to me in a text message.

She send me voice notes the following day saying how upset she was the night before and wanted to be honest which i totally understand and appreciate her honesty.

Following days later, she sent back and forth messages demanding why i choose one friend over another when i should have known the 3rd bridesmaid is trying for a baby and that the 3rd bridesmaid would have been ok not being asked and there was valid reasons if i hadnt chosen the 3rd bridesmaid.

I felt totally hurt by the conversations and decided to have a phonecall to talk openly with this friend that wasnt chosen.

She was very insistent as to why i didnt choose her and stated everyone was surprised at your choice and wondering why you choose her over me.

When i had initally asked the 3rd bridesmaid to be part of my wedding, she asked was it ok if she was pregnant the time of wedding, i said yes absolutely, do not plan your life around me. I am not a confrontational person and i am a people pleaser and wanted her to be comfortable.

Another friend had it out with me aswell over the whole situation and more or less repeated similar questions what the girl who wasnt asked to be bridesmaid.

My question here is, should i not be allowed to choose my own bridesmaids, do i have to give a reason why i didnt choose the other person ( we have been friends over 20 years but would not talk every day, occassionly. I am hurt by this whole situation and my partner is angry at the whole situation how my friend has treated me. Yes i totally accept that i hurt her feelings and i understand its a hurtful position to be , but should i be bullied into saying why i choose one over the other.

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Old threads remain open but it is better to start your own post after this much time as gone by as OPs are usually long gone.

Of course your excluded friend should not be confronting or bullying you. That’s immature and wrong. That said, you’ve made several missteps that added unnecessary fuel to the fire and are laboring under some false impressions and expectations of your own.
I I would have told your sister she had no responsibility other than to participate in the ceremony and photos and brainstormed options such as a sitter, or another relative watching the baby for the short amount of time she’s needed that day. Ultimately, if she wasn’t comfortable she could have chosen to drop out on her own.
The instagram posting was inappropriate. It can be hurtful enough to have ones friendship ranked publicly without the decision itself being broadcast for all to see ahead of time.
You did not have to replace your sister or choose between two close friends. Sides should based on relationships and do not have to be even unless it works out that way. They are people, not props.
It only adds insult to injury to to tell someone that they were not invited to do something and why. Invitations and honors are meant to be inclusive. At this point I’d apologize for the way you handled the situation on your end and for hurting her feelings without trying to explain or justify yourself. Personally, I would have either asked both of these friends or left them both out.

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Yes i agree my sister would have had no other responsibility other than standing beside me at ceremony and photos.

Can you explain in more detail

''That said, you’ve made several missteps that added unnecessary fuel to the fire and are laboring under some false impressions and expectations of your own.''

I have apologized to this person who i have hurt and taken full responsibility for my actions. In hindsight yes i should have either asked both or left both of them out.

Also i did not post anything on instragram. i do not consider my friends or family props.

View Quoted Comment Oops, sorry, the instagram post was the OP’s not yours.