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Just Said Yes June 2019

Friend expects to be a bridesmaid but isn’t going to be one

Sarah, on May 1, 2018 at 7:50 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 13

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Hi everyone! I’m in a conundrum here. I’m recently engaged (yay!), and have already asked the friends I want to be bridesmaids. I’m very happy with my maids and love and trust them all greatly. However, I have one friend that I KNOW is expecting me to ask her, and I have no plans to do so. She is someone I used to be very close with but have drifted apart from. She also has demonstrated that she’s pretty self absorbed, easily offended, and judgemental as we’ve gotten older. So she definitely won’t be in the wedding party, that’s already decided. The advice I need is what’s an appropriate response to give her if she asks/insinuates she expects to be a bridesmaid? I’m still going to invite her to the wedding, just not ask her to be a bridesmaid. Also, any ideas on other tasks non-wedding party members can do? I think I may be able to mollify her if I say she’s not a maid but I want her to pass programs or cut the cake or something?

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13 Comments

Latest activity by MrsV1027, on May 2, 2018 at 1:56 PM

Super March 2019
Mcellist · on May 1, 2018 at 7:56 PM
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Just tell her that y'all relationship has changed. In my opinion, it's presumptuous if she automatically thinks that. But if the relationship is not the same, then just tell her.
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Dedicated November 2018
Tatyana · on May 1, 2018 at 8:02 PM
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Just be honest tell her you guys are no longer close and you do not want her apart of it. It's your day not hers don't let her feel as if she gets to make it about her.
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Dedicated May 2019
Lynn · on May 1, 2018 at 8:22 PM
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I am currently going through the same thing with a friend of mines. I just explained to her that our relationship has changed and that i still love her and she will still be invited to the wedding but she will not be apart of it. She took it really bad, and i honestly do not think we are friends anymore because of that. I would tell her and prepare for the best and worst.
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Super January 2018
Miaaa · on May 1, 2018 at 8:38 PM
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She's an adult. Tell her you don't feel close enough to ask, but still want her to be a guest. Make sure she's invited to the shower and bach party if there are some. If she can't take it well and refuses to be there then that's on her. You're not obligated to ask her.
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Dedicated July 2018
Karen · on May 1, 2018 at 9:15 PM
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I don’t think you should word it like suggested by the above posters. Telling someone they’re not a bridesmaid bc your relationship has changed is like a slap on the face. You can get the same point across without being so harsh and negative. I would tell her she was going to be my bridesmaid but just wasn’t enough spaces. Then emphasize how you still value her and you feel bad about it and that you hope she’s not hurt and that it’s not a reflection of anything. Pure honestly without consideration of the bigger picture is just mean. Do you really need to tell her all that????
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Super June 2019
Stephanie · on May 1, 2018 at 9:38 PM
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I'd say just let her know that the bridal party is complete and want to keep it short and simple (depending on how many guys and girls you have)
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Devoted May 2017
Katelyn · on May 1, 2018 at 9:54 PM
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I had two very close friends who I did not ask to BMs (even though I was in one of their weddings the same year) b/c I wanted a small bridal party. I was honest with both of them and said something along of lines of "I'm not asking you to be a BM b/c I want a small bridal party and not b/c we aren't good friends and I don't value your friendship." both of them were ushers at our ceremony (we did a pretty formal Methodist service). I also invited one of them dressing shopping with me and to my bridal weekend (I didn't do a bachelorette party).
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Super December 2018
kbrands · on May 2, 2018 at 6:43 AM
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I would be honest with her. Probably better to do that sooner rather than later. It will be hard but it is your day and you should have the people you want standing by your side.
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VIP July 2018
The Nuptials · on May 2, 2018 at 7:02 AM
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Don't have her do any other tasks no one wants to not be good enough to be apart of the BP and be left handing out programs. The caterer should slice the cake for you.

if when/she brings it up just say you couldn't include everyone but you can't wait to see her on the dance floor. And leave it at that, don't let her push you around. I would NOT invite her to the bachelorette as I personally think that should be a smaller group and she will probably be pissed that she's not a BM all over again.
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Devoted October 2018
persimonefink · on May 2, 2018 at 1:12 PM
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Good that you know yourself and what you want. So few people will stand up for themselves. My cousin asked 15 people 7 of which she no longer talks to. Though her wedding went smoothly even with the painstaking awkwardness the bachelorette party and rehearsal dinners were SOOO bad. My only advice to you is to stay true. If she asks, just say your fiance and you decided on a specific number of attendees for the bridal party and there were people you couldn't imagine not having.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on May 2, 2018 at 1:17 PM
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I'm in a similar situation! She's not mean or anything, we've just drifted apart. I sent out proposal boxes to my bridesmaids, and I'm assuming she will see she doesn't get one. If she asks, I'm just going to say I haven't seen her in 5 years, she's never met my fiance, and I just don't feel right asking her to be in the bridal party since it'll be expensive and a lot of traveling. I will invite her to the wedding though! I wouldn't give her an alternative job, I'd just let her be a guest.
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Beginner April 2019
Rae · on May 2, 2018 at 1:51 PM
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I was in a wedding last year... best friend since middle school (we are a few years post college) and I was a Bridesmaid. MOH was the brides sister. S**T show. So much drama, MOH was kicked out and I was upgraded. Drama still did not change. After the wedding I kinda took a step back. I'm getting married in 1 year and she definitely assumed that she was going to be a part of it. And that wasn't pretty either.
IF she does actually ask, which I hope she just figures it out on her own... If... just politely tell her that things are set! and you'd love to have her help with 'other things' and see how she takes that. She may offer to help or be sassy ... then you'll have your answer.
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Master October 2018
MrsV1027 · on May 2, 2018 at 1:56 PM
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No advice but I feel your pain. I wanted to have no wedding party but FH already invited 3 people to stand up with him. Only 1 of my girl friends will be able to make it to our DW while I have a couple of girl cousins who can. I know if I don't ask my friend to be a BM and just ask the cousins she will flip out on me because FH isn't using anyone related to him. We've known each other since the 3rd grade but she drives me completely batty most of the time.
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