Ok so long story short my friend A lost her son last year and I have bent over backwards and done everything to be there for her. I have been with my fiancé for 11 years and we have a 9 year old daughter together and we are getting married in May. My other friend B is throwing me a bridal shower even though I’m not having a bridal party. I ordered my dress online and it was delivered to my friends house so I took it home and invited her B over to come over to see my try it on with my mom. She bailed on me when my mom was here and then came over and left within 5 minutes to see me try it on, she then said I needed to lose 20 pounds before I get married because I want to look good in photos, she then went off on me because my wedding is in the same month she lost her son. Now she is saying she doesn’t know if she can come to my shower because she is a hairdresser and doesn’t know what her schedule is going to look like. I’m at my wits end with her and have explained that my shower is in a week and a half and my other friend needs to know if she is coming and if not to please let me know so I can invite someone else. I think it’s just completely rude especially since I have been there for her so much and she can’t take a few hours to celebrate me on a special day. I’m not debating on even inviting her and her husband to my wedding. What would you do? I’m so sad
She is in an extreme amount of pain that I hope none of us will ever experience. Her behavior is an issue but I suggest you continue to show patience and don’t take what she says and does to heart. Your wedding month is a painful trigger for her. If you guys are good friends, years later you will look back and you will be glad you didn’t react negatively to her grief.
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Oh wow! That’s terrible. Well, make whatever decision you feel is best and hopefully she will wake up and realize she needs to change her behavior. Maybe not include her in anything at all. She will be at the wedding and that’s enough. You are not obligated to stay in her line of fire either so keep her at a distance.
Wow. I'm not excusing her behavior, but you have no idea how hard life is for her right now. I lost my niece (that I helped raise and she lived with me at the time of the accident) 5 years ago and it's still incredibly hard some days. I thought I was handling life relatively well for the first year or so, but I can look back now and realize just how much pain I was in. I'm sure I seemed fine to the world, but most days I would end up on the bathroom floor crying and begging for her to come back. The pain is truly unimaginable. Just making it to the end of the day is exhausting. I can't imagine how hard it would have been to attend a major event the same month as the 1 year anniversary. February is still hard for me, 5 years later. I also only recently realized (thanks to my husband) that I tend to be super irritable and short tempered during the times that I'm struggling. Grief is weird and unpredictable. Give her grace.
I am very sorry you feel this way Chelsea, not a mother myself but know of one who lost her child and still to this day years later has a very difficult time dealing with it. I feel that you may need to rely on another friend at this moment, as the 1st year anniversary of her sons death she may be feeling lower than ever before and you are in wedding bliss which is a high that not everyone can relate to. I think you need to step back and let Friend A do her thing and heal however she needs to, don't expect her to act any type of way with you about her wedding.
What if it was you in her shoes, do you think you'd be emotionally stable enough to be in such a super happy environment when you're still picking up the pieces from your life.
I get it, you just want people to be excited with you and be happy for you but happiness is not something you can just pop out if you're dealing with depression or other sad news. Surround yourself with your friends/family that radiate the type of energy you're looking for. Good Luck!
If she is a long time friend, I think you should talk to her. I get that the time of year isn't easy for her, but it definitely does not make it right to tell you HOW much weight you should lose (especially if you didn't ask) or even lose any weight at all. It is very rude and insensitive. This is supposed to be a happy time for YOU. You don't want to look back and remember bad memories with anyone during your planning of your wedding, especially if they are adding stress.
Then don’t talk to her then. Look it wasn’t nice what she said but she is in crazy pain. And if you do consider her a friend still. Maybe it’s time for you to step out of your feelings and accept that she isn’t going to be a super nice supportive person right now. Keep your distance, stop trying to make people act the way you would like towards you. Remove yourself and move on
I would never push anyone to come to a party in my honor, or think someone "ought to" come. Even people who have no issues, plenty of time and money, there is no " ought to", no obligation. A shower is a party where those who wish to give a bride a second present, in addition to a wedding gift, and want to be there while it is opened, accept an invitation. And may decline for any reason, or none at all. Please just accept a decline gracefully, no questions asked. There will be others who come, and that will have to be enough. Focus on that. Traditionally, brides supply a list of possible people to invite, but hostesses never tell the bride who actually was invited, and who declined. They should not have told you, and you should refrain from thinking about anything but those who come. Do have a nice party with them.
Grief comes in waves, regardless of how long it's been.
But also, because of Covid-19 and all the impending threat of death everywhere, I think that may be bringing it up again in a very real way for your friend.
Alternatively, she could be worried about her source of income because Covid-19 has caused a LOT of cancellations and she might feel like she needs to be available for any gig in order to keep herself stable.
Finally, she might be hurt that this other friend is throwing you a shower instead of her, regardless of your lack of wedding party plan.
Before you rush to any kind of judgement, ask her to come over for tea or coffee or whatever. Make it clear that your feelings were hurt when she said you needed to lose weight. Tell her that comments like that and her other behavior is giving you mixed signals about your wedding. Ask her why and see if you can figure out a solution together.
So sorry to hear you're going thru this. I'm a hairdresser and salon owner and depending on our unique careers, we can definitely flex our schedules a bit. Unfortunately, this is probably a reaction she's going thru with dealing with the anniversary of the death of her son and she's probably still grieving and unable to communicate her true needs during this time. The anger and throwing off on you is definitely a tell-tale sign and perhaps you two need to sit and have a a conversation that is compassionate and clear. While her grieving is definitely understandable, the expectation that this particular time frame belongs only to her is heavily misguided and goes to show, again, she's still dealing with her loss. You can be gentle and still do what you have to do for your big day. It's not easy but I definitely wouldn't do anything without attempting to be clear and communicate with her. You will have to be decisive if it does come down to granting her the space she seems to need, whether because of her career or because she doesn't seem to be all in with the wedding plans. You can do all of this without coming off insensitive...but be prepared if she's not readily receptive of your attempts to talk. I'm so sorry you're faced with this. Hopefully though you two will be able to talk it out and work it out and move forward.