Kristin
Devoted December 2021

Friend backing out of wedding

Kristin, on May 14, 2021 at 7:41 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 11
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So there is a lot of history with our friendship, we’ll call him “Brad”. We are the type of friends that don’t talk every day but when we do it’s like no time has passed. We haven’t lived in the same state in about 4 years but the friendship has lasted during that time and we are “that person” the other calls when they just need a smile or to talk something out. When I got engaged he was one of the people I called to tell and I later asked if he would stand next to me and he was so excited.


Fast forward 6 months. Brad is still friends with my ex since they live in the same town and he mentioned my wedding and being my best man one night to the ex. My ex freaked out and got mad and didn’t talk to Brad for 3 weeks over it. (Note: ex went legit missing for 2 weeks when he found out I was dating again but has since starting dating Brad’s ex.) So now Brad said he doesn’t feel ok being my best man or even attending as a guest because he’s worried about how my ex will react and it will affect their friendship.

I totally get that I’m not around anymore so their friendship has grown and I support that. But I’ve known Brad for years longer and it hurts that because my ex wants to throw a hissy fit I’m losing out on having one of my oldest friends attend my wedding. I was super understanding on the phone with Brad because I could tell it was hard for him to tell me but I’m pretty hurt.
Am I in the wrong for being upset? Is there anything I can do? (Part of me wants to text my ex and tell him to get he **** over it - especially since he has the new girlfriend - but I know I can’t)

11 Comments

Latest activity by Natalie, on May 16, 2021 at 11:04 AM
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    You’re not wrong for feeling the way you feel, but there’s really nothing you can do about it. Brad made his decision and even though it’s a crappy reason, it’s better that he told you now than waiting until closer to the wedding.
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  • Kristin
    Devoted December 2021
    Kristin ·
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    I am grateful he told me now instead of closer to the wedding. I’m just annoyed that my ex once again is taking something from me. It seems unfair that he gets to be upset and ruin me having one of my closest friends there.
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  • Katie
    Rockstar August 2020
    Katie ·
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    I’m so sorry Kristin. I’d be hurt too. Decades ago I had similar situation and for me, when the other person’s feelings meant more then mine, I left the friendship. For what it’s worth, haven’t thought about that friendship for 15 years until I read your post 😂 hang in there girlie ❤️
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I'm sorry you're going through this! You're right to be upset. I would be too. It would definitely change my view of my friendship with Brad and I'd probably distance myself from him and potentially it could break off the friendship. Because for him to just "diss" your wedding and back out because of how your ex feels and he doesn't want to rock the boat of their friendship is messed up. It sucks your ex has that influence over him. I know your wedding day will still be special!
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  • Kristin
    Devoted December 2021
    Kristin ·
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    I definitely think it will change the friendship. Brad even tried to offer up the person he was going to bring as a friend as a replacement to stand with me (we aren’t close and I was only inviting her because of Brad). I know in the end it’s Brad’s loss and I will still enjoy everything about marrying my best friend (and the party 😂). I’m just super disappointed that someone being so childish could affect my friendship with someone else. Thank you for your support ❤️
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  • Kristin
    Devoted December 2021
    Kristin ·
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    This gives me hope 😂 I know I’ve moved on from the friendship already (literally and figuratively lol) in some ways but I was definitely clinging to the memories and hoping my wedding could bring us closer again. Maybe in 15 years I’ll be giving someone else the same story you just gave me. Thank you ❤️
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Aww you're welcome 💙, it sucks when people are childish because at the end it's his loss and he will be losing a great friend (you). I don't think he even sees the consequences of his decision. But at the end you'll be happy and that's what matters!
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    I agree with this, it seems like your exs feelings are more important and the friendship with him is more important than yours as well. I think you now know where you stand in your friendship with Brad. Yes you guys have been friends for a long time however that doesn't always mean you guys are destined to be friends forever.
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  • Kari
    Master May 2020
    Kari ·
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    You are absolutely justified in being upset.

    Generally I don't think its appropriate for people to leverage friendships and give people friendship ultimatums just because your friend is a friend with someone you don't like (different story if there was serious abuse involved). If there is a mutual friend caught between two people with a less than amicable relationship and one person basically says "me or them" then I would typically side with whatever person wasn't forcing me to decide.

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  • Kristin
    Devoted December 2021
    Kristin ·
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    1000% agreed. I tried being super understanding when he told me because I never want someone to feel they have to choose sides. It’s just a shame that’s not how my ex handled it and being a good person means losing out.
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  • Natalie
    Devoted January 2022
    Natalie ·
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    Honestly now that you've had time to process I would talk to Brad again. People (especially women tbh) are trained to be polite and not make anyone feel bad. But if you're really friends he needs to know the truth of how you feel.

    The truth of the matter is, he is basically saying his friendship with your ex is more important than his friendship with you. That would make anyone rethink the whole friendship. He is literally prioritizing your ex feeling petty, over your once-in-a-lifetime wedding...if he dips so easily for this, what CAN you depend on him for?? If you have a baby, will he bail on coming to meet them because your ex doesn't like it? What is the point of a friend you can't depend on to be there even on one of the most significant days of your lives?

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