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Just Said Yes July 2020

Freshly Divorced Parents at the wedding

Anastasia, on November 10, 2019 at 5:33 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 8

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My parents divorced c. 3 years ago after 27yrs of turbulent marriage because my father had another woman for quite a long time (suspect my mom knew about it but got fed up in the end). He married this woman this summer. I live in a different country for the lat 10 years so I dont see them often, but we have a good relationship, he is very happy and I am happy for him. The whole situation was very difficult for my family as my mom took it very badly (understandably so) and she would badmouth them non stop in front of me and my brother. She forbade us to speak to his wife. She is unhappy when we see him (because she suspect we see them together). No amount of love, support, explanations, reasoning would help. So when it came to my wedding (and everything is kind of happening at the same time - getting over divorce, his marriage, my engagement and wedding preparations) she became very unreasonable. First she got very upset that i am inviting my father to the wedding (was not a question for me), but once we got over that, she could not forgive me that i am in touch with his wife. As a result she is not speaking to me for the last 4 months only sending emails from time to time accusing me that i betrayed her. She refuses to go to therapy. Her relatives are on her side and I became a villain.
At the same time my father totally expects me to invite his new wife to the wedding. I dont know whether she would come or not but I am just scared that if she does it will turn my wedding into battleground and i would not be able to let go and relax. Seeing my mom in pain and sad is also painful for me although i understand that their divorce is not my fault.

I dont want to upset anyone, I just want to have my both parents at the wedding, but i am afraid if i tell my mother that my father’s new wife is coming she will not come (and most definitely will not speak to me ever again) along with my grandparents and if i dont invite his wife he will not come. I know the whole situations sounds absurd as we are all adults living in the 21st century but I am just lost as how to best handle it.

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8 Comments

Latest activity by Jennifer, on November 10, 2019 at 11:18 AM

Dedicated November 2019
Amy · on November 10, 2019 at 7:18 AM
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That really stinks that you are put in the middle of this mess. This should be the happiest day for you and you deserve to have the people you love right there with you. I would hope that your parents love you enough to be there for you for your day, and are able to avoid the people they dont quite care for. Your mom may be embarrassed by the whole turn of events, or maybe by the fact that your dad will be there laughing and dancing having moved on while shes sitting there by herself. Because of that my heart goes out to her a little bit...but she still needs to hold her head high and be there for you. Good luck with everything.
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VIP August 2020
Kathryn · on November 10, 2019 at 7:53 AM
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So my parents have been divorced for about 13 years, but it was a rough one because my mom was completely blindsided by my dad's affair. To make matters short, he left in an abrupt fashion with no conversation really with her, and so my mom spent a lot of time harboring resentment to both him and my now stepmom. So time has passed, she remarried, everyone more or less seems to be over it...

....but she told me quite bluntly that she will not be in pictures with him!!!!

My point is, divorced parents are a huge pain, no matter how long they've been divorced, because weddings are stressful and bring up old memories (at least for my mom). What I ended up doing was firmly setting my foot down with both of them: this is my day. I am marrying the love of my life and would like for you to witness that, but if you are going to make people miserable than I will put my foot down on you coming. Since then, my mom has made some comments but otherwise is on board with being in the same room as him for a day.

Keep strong and remember that this is about you and your partner, not their squabbling. If one or both can't get behind that, then they need to be sat down and reminded what this wedding is really about: you two.
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Expert September 2020
Marcia · on November 10, 2019 at 8:36 AM
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I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m divorced for the last 4 years and was married for 20 years. It is sometimes very difficult to be in the same room and deal with him like an adult. He was unfaithful and the hurt is still there even though I’ve moved on.

That said, I believe your mother should rise to the occasion and make your wedding day about you and not her. Stand your ground. Your dad deserves to be there with his new wife. It’s your wedding and you can invite whomever you choose.

good luck!
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Master May 2019
Cyndy · on November 10, 2019 at 8:42 AM
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It’s hard when parents are divorced but they are adults and should act us such. This is YOUR day and they need to grow up for one day and come together to support you. They don’t have to be in pictures together all though for YOU I think they should but they need to act like adults. My son recently got married and I had to do everything I could not to be nasty to my ex but we both got along for my son. Sit down with your mother and remind her that it’s your day and you want her and your dad to both be there for you and you need them to act like adults so you don’t stress about it. If they can’t do that then they shouldn’t come. That’s harsh I know but it’s not fair to you either. Good luck
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Master October 2017
karen · on November 10, 2019 at 8:51 AM
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I am so sorry for you and your mom in this situation. I think one exception (maybe the ONLY exception) to having to invite spouses is where the spouse was the affair partner. I would talk to dad and ask him not to bring his wife.
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VIP February 2020
Julie · on November 10, 2019 at 9:21 AM
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My brother and sister in law went through nearly the EXACT same thing when our parents first divorced 5 years ago. It tore my mom up that he was brining his (then girlfriend, now wife) to the wedding. There was A LOT of drama and finally my brother and sil had enough. They told them to be adults and come. They sat on opposite sides of the room, she had a plus one and friends and family members of hers were added so that she had her "Susan table." It worked and they were cordial to each other at the wedding and they continue to be. Maybe you can invite one or two of your mom's friends so that she can have a support system there. It's a bit different because my father didn't have an affair, and it was mutual (more or less).

The thing is, everyone is going to say it's your day, and it is. Absolutely it is. But she's still allowed to have her feelings about it. My parents (even while somewhat cordial and friendly) will still badmouth each other on occasion. This is fresh for her, and I'm sure that while she's thrilled you're getting married, it reminds her of her own failed marriage. And there are a lot of feelings about that. I guess my only advice is (and I'm doing this for my own wedding in February) to invite some support for her if you can afford it, seat them far apart, and just try to listen to her vitriol, so she can feel heard. There's no elegant solution, and I'm sorry you're going through this as well. These are just a few suggestions that haven't been mentioned yet.
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VIP February 2020
Julie · on November 10, 2019 at 9:24 AM
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Yeah...this might be at least a topic to broach with your dad. Put out feelers.
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Super March 2020
Jennifer · on November 10, 2019 at 11:18 AM
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I think after unfaithfulness, this is a reasonable reaction. My ex fiance got a girl pregnant behind my back, told me after he had proposed and the child was a year old! It was like a bad lifetime movie. Lol anyway, as much as I hated him. I also had this intense hate of every pregnant woman, engaged woman or woman who claimed she was happy with her man. It seemed like a bs world and my heavens was I an angry woman. Of course, I better now but sometimes emotions cannot be controlled in the beginning of an event like this. It can take years to accept the things we had no control over. Your mom isn't just mad at her ex and the new woman, she is grieving a loss
A loss of the family she thought she had created. I would talk to her and tell her you will make every effort to seat them far apart, no interactions, no photos, etc.
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