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alexisdemetra
Devoted November 2018

Formality of my Wedding?

alexisdemetra, on March 20, 2018 at 11:26 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 15

Hi everyone!

Getting married this November and I'm trying to figure out what the formality of our wedding is. I'm realize it's affecting more than I initially thought!

My FH hates tuxes. He thinks they're stuffy. So he's opting to wear a dressy navy suit (not sure on 3-piece or not yet...) and the groomsmen as well. My maids are in floor length gowns. Our reception is a huge exhibition hall that's basically a blank canvas. We're getting a lot of bar, table, furniture rentals as well as some hanging chandeliers, etc. But then again we're having an oyster bar out on the patio.

I'm getting stuck on what our wedding would be classified as. Apparently I can't say Black Tie Optional because it's faux-pas for someone to show up dressier than the groom. So then does it become "formal" for the dress code?

Two other instances I'm getting tripped up:

1. Addressing the Save the Dates next week. Parents want to do super old school formal way (Mr. and Mrs. John Smith) where I think STDs are a little more casual (John and Jane Smith.) That may be a separate conversation, but does formality have an influence in that?

2. Father of bride/groom-- do they wear the suits as well? If they were in tuxes would that be weird?

So many questions!

15 Comments

Latest activity by FutureMrsR, on March 21, 2018 at 5:14 PM
  • Sarah
    Master June 2016
    Sarah ·
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    No one, including the parents, should be dressed more formally than the two of you, IMO.

    STDs don’t need to include parents names, but if you’re having a formal wedding, they would traditionally be included on the invitation.

    You dont list a dress code unless you’re having a true black tie wedding. If your venue has a specific dress code, though it doesn’t sound like they do, you could list that on your website.
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  • Munchkin9218
    Master September 2018
    Munchkin9218 ·
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    You don't need to write a dress code down unless it is a black tie affair. Guests know how to dress for a wedding, and you can give them extra clues with the time and invitations and such


    If you're going for the BP in suits then your fathers would wear suits. No reason for them to look overdressed comparatively.


    Save the dates are more casual so you can get away with less formality if you want but being formal doesnt hurt. If you want to signify its a formal event to your guests then on the invitation is where you write formal addressing ETC

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  • caitlin
    Super May 2017
    caitlin ·
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    "Black Tie" refers to a pretty specific set of hosting rules--Black Tie Optional doesn't really mean anything. i think most people default to semi-formal or cocktail attire for a wedding. as @Munchkin said you can definitely drop hints (possibly including the formality of your STDs), include photos of your venue on the website, etc, so people get the idea.

    ETA i agree that no one should be more formal than you and your FH. we had our dads/stepdads in suits, but they chose their own, so they didn't match colour-wise, but blended well into the overall look.

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  • muriel
    Champion June 2018
    muriel ·
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    It's inappropriate to include any dress code other than black tie for a truly black tie event. That's not what you are having.

    The degree of formality of the wedding does influence your choice of invitations. They are after all, one of the ways the guests determine the formality of the wedding. STD's are however a more recent innovation and are often more casual.

    No one should dress more formally than the groom but you really can't control what your guests show up wearing, whether that is more or less formal than you would prefer. It is however, easy to let the Dad's know what the groom is wearing.

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  • alexisdemetra
    Devoted November 2018
    alexisdemetra ·
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    Thank you all so much! I had no idea you weren't supposed to list the dress code unless it's Black Tie. That is kind of a relief!

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  • Michelle
    VIP September 2018
    Michelle ·
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    We said “formal attire” and left it at that. My FH is wearing something similar to what you described
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  • EC18
    VIP April 2018
    EC18 ·
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    1. When it comes to addressing any of your wedding stationary, please remember that it is not 1950. I personally would be super pissed to receive an invitation addressed to Mr and Mrs HusbandFirst HusbandLast, especially since I did not take his last name when we got married. Women are their own people and deserve to have their name on an invite.

    That being said, STDs are typically less formal than the invite, as they are an optional thing. But maybe you can do John and Jane Smith on the STDs and Mr John and Mrs Jane Smith on the invites?

    The invitation address doesn't necessarily say anything about the formality of the event, it is more the invitation itself that does that. Honestly, when was the last time you looked at the way an envelope was addressed and said "Hey, that must be a swanky event!".

    I believe the Emily Posts of the world would disagree and have very specific rules, so maybe go with that?

    2. If the groom is in a suit, no one else should be in a tux.

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  • Holly
    VIP June 2018
    Holly ·
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    1. I agree with EC18 - I would be disgusted and angry if an invitation were addressed to FH and me as Mr. and Mrs. John Smith. Women are human beings and deserve their own identities. I addressed my invitations to Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith.

    2. I think FOB and FOG usually wear suits. They definitely should not wear tuxes if the groom is not.

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  • FME
    Master March 2018
    FME ·
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    You don't need a dress code. I sorta disagree with the comments that no one should be dressed more formally than the B&G. My H wore a navy blue suit (not a tux) and an 76 year old friend of ours wore a tuxedo and looked SO GOOD and I highly doubt anyone side eyed that. 99% of our guests dressed fine, we didn't have a dress code but somehow they all knew what to do. There was one person who wore cargo pants and a t shirt but I honestly didn't even notice until someone said something to me about it days later. It really doesn't matter, don't stress it.

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  • rica
    VIP September 2018
    rica ·
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    You don't need a dress code. If people ask, tell them what the groom is wearing then let them decide for themselves.

    For save the dates, I chose to go pretty much informal, but you don't have to be consistent. If you want, address them formally for your older relatives, but informally for your friends.

    Typically, yes, fathers should be in suits too. But in my opinion, parents can kind of do whatever they want. FFIL dressed more formally for his daughter's wedding than the groom and groomsmen. He said his daughter was getting married, and he wanted to be dressier than he is for work (the groom wears jeans to work, so had different standards). It looked completely fine and showed everyone's personalities a little bit.

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  • alexisdemetra
    Devoted November 2018
    alexisdemetra ·
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    That is similar to what my Dad said too! He wears a suit every day for work and said the same "My daughter is getting married, I want to be dressed to the nines!" However, I'm sure if I said something along the lines of "we could put you in a nice three piece suit" he wouldn't oppose it. That was where my question stemmed from though.

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  • Talullah
    VIP May 2018
    Talullah ·
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    I would not list a dress code. Guests should know how to dress for a wedding. You and your FS should be the most formal. If GM are wearing suits, have the fathers wear suits also.
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  • Summer
    Super August 2018
    Summer ·
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    I would not dress anyone in tuxes if your FH won't be wearing one, but that said you can still find quite formal looking suits.

    I did my save the dates super casual, while FH did his formally (we both did our own sides of the guest list)...we were so overworked and stressed that we didn't realize we did it until afterward, but it was fine, nobody knew or cared.

    Obviously invitations should be addressed formally regardless, though.

    I'd say your wedding is semi-formal - that's what our dress code is. That essentially requires suits but not tuxes, and women will probably wear short/cocktail dresses. If you'd rather your female guests wear long dresses and treat the affair a little more fancily, maybe opt for "formal" - but I think this is very similar to "black tie optional" and implies tuxes are appropriate if desired.

    If you're still stuck - https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-guest-attire-cheat-sheet

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  • Heather
    Expert September 2018
    Heather ·
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    My FH and best man will wear casual vests, blue jeans and no tie
    On the other hand my dad is wearing a dressy black suit be cause he wore one for my sister' wedding
    He will be dressing more formal than my FH and even what my sister' husband wore
    I really don' care
    I don' think it matters
    Dad is comfortable in a suit our guys are casual
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  • FutureMrsR
    VIP May 2018
    FutureMrsR ·
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    To me, "formal," means long dresses and tuxes. If your FH isn't wearing a tux, then I wouldn't want to be told it's a formal wedding?

    I think 99% of people are perfectly capable of dressing nicely for a wedding. I've never seen anyone underdressed at any of the weddings I've been to. If they were, I didn't notice.

    To answer your last two questions, your fathers can wear whatever they want. I told my dad specifically to be comfortable. He gets very hot and very sweaty within minutes of being outside, often even in 50 degree weather. Although my ceremony is short, I want him to be comfortable, so I'd be completely happy with him wearing shorts! I even encouraged it Smiley smile

    And about the invitations -- I varied how I addressed mine. My grandparents got "Mr. & Mrs. John C. Smith," because that's what they expected. FH's grandparents got "Mr. John & Mrs. Jane Smith." His aunts/uncles got "John and Jane Smith." Our friends got "John Smith," because I addressed our Christmas cards with "Mr. John Smith" for our friends and everyone was kind of uncomfortable about it Smiley tongue

    Contrary to a few PP, I don't think "Mr. & Mrs. John C. Smith" is offensive -- the "Mrs." represents the woman. It's not like it said "Mr. John C. Smith and wife." I wouldn't be offended if I got an invitation listed that way, but I also wouldn't be offended if it said "John and Jane." I think most people are pretty laid back about the whole thing Smiley smile

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