Formalities...

I don't think people are going to be offended if they are addressed as john smith vs mr. john smith. to them, they probably just think it's because it sounds nicer to have the formality in front.

I did what you did on my invites and did Mr. and Mrs. Smith, not the full name. As far as your place cards, I am doing one for each person, not per family. And I just did their first and last name on them, for the same reason. Is anyone even going to notice the Mr. or Mrs, no, heck no. I've been to plenty of weddings and I can honestly say I have ZERO clue how my name was written on my place cards. Especially if you are paying for it yourselves then I say go with what you want and what feels right to you!

View Quoted Comment I went to a wedding last weekend and they spelled my first name wrong and I didn't care...its literally just to find your seat! I might just do it how I want.

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See exactly! It doesn't really matter, I spelled one of my fiance's guests name wrong on the save the date ( I used a 'y' instead of an 'i') and I felt awful but she wasn't even phased and told me not to worry about it at all. So I agree, do it however you want.

The only people who will be offended by the formal addresses are the current generation who keep their maiden name after marriage. Most will not notice or care. You are not breaching etiquette by addressing them as "Mr and Mrs Smith" or " Mr and Mrs John Smith" since there should be a first name to avoid confusion.


Older generations such as parents, grandparents and so on expect the formal titles of 'Mr and Mrs John Smith" as a sign of respect regardless of the age bracket of the recipient. It's because a wedding invitation is seen as more formal than a summer picnic.

I was always taught the way you address the envelope/ invitations pretty much sets the formality of the event.


Our wedding is “Beach Chic” and we addressed our envelopes: for couples and families Mr. & Mrs. John Smith (and family - if applicable) For those living together different names John Smith & Jane DoeFor singles John Smith
We’re skipping place cards, but if we did them, I’d use one per family.

I prefer Mr & Mrs Smith for married couples sharing a last name. It annoys me greatly when someone addresses something to me as Mrs HusbandFirst Last name. Especially someone close to me who knows it bothers me and has decide that their traditions override my feelings. 😡


As for place card , if you’ll be serving a plated meal you need one card per person to indicate which person has requested which entree. Keep this in mind with your RSVP cards, you may want guests to initial their dinner requests rather than check the box or add a number.

View Quoted Comment Good point! We are having a buffet but we do have some people with dietary restrictions that need certain marks on their cards. Im standing my ground and giving people individual cards and organizing them by table

Honestly, it's 2020. You do you. We addressed our invitations in the format of "Mrs. and Mrs. John and Jane Smith." My husband and I are fairly progressive people, and having the woman's first name included on the invitation was non-negotiable for us. This had nothing to do with the formality of the event, because our wedding was quite formal (multi course plated meal, full open bar, fancy venue, live band, etc.). You should honestly do whatever you want.

View Quoted Comment Ours is formal for the most part, but i don't want anyone to get the vibe that our wedding will be traditional. We are changing up a lot of things and getting rid of some traditions and I just feel like people need to accept that its my wedding. I also feel like our parents need to be reminded that they are honored guests at the event and should really have little to no hand in planning and just relax and enjoy the day

Invitation etiquette can get pretty ridiculous (e.g., this Minted guide: https://www.minted.com/wedding-ideas/wedding-invitation-wording).

Not that this really helps, but I addressed people differently. For the more formal ones, I will say that I did Mr. First Last and Mrs. First Last because I personally prefer including the woman's name. I knew that my mom, for example, wanted a formal address line -- and I did the same with my grandmothers and some older family members.

Between "Mr. And Mrs. Smith" and "mr. And mrs. John smith", I strongly prefer the first version that you went with -- though I would never be offended or make a fuss about it if I received something in the latter format.

We have guests that are unmarried with kids, married with kids but different names, etc. For some I did "The __ Family," or "Full Name, Full Name, and Family," and some I dropped the Mr./Mrs. because I know they're chill. I probably broke a lot of rules, but felt that the addressing was still respectful.

(And I know a family does not require children, but I could not list all of them out in most cases.)

For me, the formality of the invitations and seating should mirror the formality of the wedding. We are having a black tie wedding with all the bells and whistles. Invitations are being sent to 'Mr and Mrs X and Y Smith', to 'Ms Jane Doe and Mr John Citizen' etc, but at the wedding itself our seating chart will list 'Jane Doe, John Citizen, X Smith, Y Smith' etc.

How you address your invitations is up to you but I would suggest that the level of formality be tailored to match the wedding. As to place cards, I think it is definitely appropriate that everyone get their own - a family might not want to sit together (i.e. we have family friends whose 3 grown children are attending ours and they will be split up due to their other friends attending). I've never heard of a place card 'per family', but again, it's something for you to choose.

I’ve taken all these wedding etiquettes as tips and not as a requirement. We addressed our invites just like you plan to. Our inner envelopes have nicknames or informal names. We are breaking a lot of traditions, but heck it’s 2020, we can do whatever we want!

I'm with you on the whole, "the woman doesn't give up her identity even if she takes the man's last name," thing. I'm doing Mr. and Mrs. Robert and Catherine Smith on invitations/envelopes. Unless it's going to an older couple (grandparents and that generation, my mom and her friends still have first names), then I'll do Mr. and Mrs. Robert Smith because they might actually be offended if I used my preferred system.

You don't have to address every invitation the same way because people will only see the one they get, but you should keep the format for your place cards the same, since everyone will see every name.
If the oldest people coming to your wedding are in their 50s (maybe early 60s) you can probably get away with not using titles. Your parents might be annoyed, but they'll get over it. If you have older people coming, you'll want to use them. We're doing a seating chart and we're putting Ms, Mrs, or Mr in front of each guest's full name, including the literal babies.
I've been to a lot of weddings and they almost always have separate cards for each person (unless they have a seating chart). If you want to do one card per household, you could do that and put the goodies on at each seat so each person still gets one.
You're not to young to understand formalities any more than your parents are too old to understand why women should be addressed by their own names, but it might be good to compromise on some things because this is probably one of the less important disagreements you'll have with them.

We labeled our invitations according to how we knew the people used their names.

If the woman had kept her name/they weren't yet married, we put First Name Last Name and First Name Last Name. If she had changed her name, we did The Last Names or First Name and First Name Last Name, and if they had kids (since we included kids), we simply put The Last Name (and Last Name, if hyphenated) Family.

You do whatever you want, as long as you get their names right, people don't really care.

I am planning on doing it the same way as you! I feel it is weird when someone addresses a couple and Mr & Mrs Husbands First&Last name. To me that is from the old tradition of like where when you get married you now belong to the man type thing and just no lol. As far as place cards we are planning on doing the same. Everyone gets their own place card even the kids because each one will have a goodie attached to it for that person not for the family.

I addressed specific people so they would know who was invited such as “John & Sue Smith” or “The Smith Family” as we have limited space. Otherwise I would do it as you’re doing “Mr. & Mrs. Smith”

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This this this! It's your wedding...trust your gut! You got this!

I haven't had this issue because the majority of my guests have the same last name as their spouse. Our event is not super formal because that's just not who we are, and I honestly didn't even think about addressing as Mr or Mrs in front of their name because I have never received an invite like that in my culture. I come from a very strict religion (that I've since left) but their weddings are private, often excluding most of the family, and instead have very informal receptions in the church hall afterwards for everyone so formal invitations aren't a thing. I am addressing mine John and Jane Citizen if they are married. I have a couple people that are either not married or they have different last names. For them I am addressing it John Citizen and Jane Doe. I really don't understand why people get upset on how you write their name on an envelope that gets thrown out in literally 5 seconds after opening. smh.

I think you should address your parents they way they want to be addressed on your wedding invitation out of respect. I wanted my inites to say "Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith request blah blah," but my dad is very old school and would've been offended. (For reference, my mom is FirstName MaidenName MarriedName because my dad was so against hyphenated last names.) So I went with "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith request blah blah" because that's how they like to be introduced.


Now on the envelopes of the invites? They're getting addressed the way I want. It's a formal wedding, so I'm still using Mr., Mrs., Ms., Mx., Dr., or whatever, but I'm naming each person individually. For the place cards, everyone will have their own, and it will be FirstName LastName only. All of this ends up in the trash anyway, so who cares? It's just to know who the letter is addressed to and how to find your seat. I think that's a fair compromise that you can use.