Food

If you have it during a non meal time you can just serve appetizers and drinks for everyone. Have everything from 1:30-4:30.

That would be a “tiered” reception and that is incredibly rude. Either host everyone or cut the guest list. Whatever you decide, be sure to feed your guests well. Also, if FMIL is insisting you invite so many people, perhaps she should help pay. Otherwise I don’t see why she would have control over your guest list.

My only thought is that whatever y’all decide, make sure you’re both on the same page about it. It should be a decision that you and your FH make together, since it’s your marriage, your wedding together

View Quoted Comment Exactly this.

I know food is crazy! I am ordering a bunch of heavy apps that allow my guests more options and actually save me about $5-8 pp. It'll still be a lot of food, so people will be full. I've heard of cooking it yourself, subs, chicken places are often cheap. Italian is very very cheap. You can cut cost by ordering a large amount of food but don't have it delivered, pick it up yourself. Also, consider pizza. It goes over very well.

You could even opt to only do appetizers or cake and punch

Since your FMIL is insisting on inviting so many ppl, why doesn’t she chip in? I wouldn’t feed some ppl one meal, and others another. Either all or nothing.

If she keeps pushing, just say it's not within your budget. Otherwise have a nice afternoon wedding with some cake and punch

You do not have to serve a meal to anyone, if you do not run for hours and hours across a meal time. But what you serve wedding party and closest friends and family, you have to serve everyone . So invite only closest friends and family, for anything, and feed them all well if you wish. Or invite large numbers , start at 1:30 or 2pm, end by 5, or start at 7 pm til 11pm, and serve deserts and beverages that are non-alcoholic or have alcohol ( your choice) to everyone. . . . There is a long tradition of having a very small group at your wedding, and inviting a much larger group for a reception. Contrary to what you read on WW, receptions are not a thank you for coming to the ceremony, they are part of the celebration, and larger numbers can be invited just to the party/reception. ( Look in any etiquette or protocol bbook ) But you cannot have two levels of service, only some who are invited to a large ceremony getting a meal. . . . In a church, or a public place, if people from the congregation, or other not specifically invited people are there, you can have just coffee or juice and cake left at the church for them, while all invited guests go to a reception . But you cannot invite family and friends, and give a meal only to some of them. That is considered extremely rude, not just in wedding etiquette, but any social occasion where people are invited to an event.

If you don't want the whole gang there, tell your mother NO. She can have a family reunion another time. You are adults getting married, and while compromising over a particular guest, to please someone, is nice, do not compromise and invite large numbers you do not want, and go broke feeding and entertaining them. Tell Mom, adults live within their means, and you are now a responsible adult . . . . Although my wedding was in an Inn, we have had weddings on my parents' property and relatives farms, and on our agricultural property. It works, in party, because they and we have 8 to 12 extra bathrooms ( toilet and sink) permanently, for the public and staff, in very nice separate buildings. But it is hugely expensive to rent adequate toileting and handwashing facilities , and you cannot foul your septic system. So if you do not have many bathrooms in addition to the family ones, do not have the bigger crowd. It is not just food that costs a lot. $400 to $1000 for extra facilities, and trash, is a lot. And if people are there for 3-5 hours, and wedding party and those doing preparations are there 10 hours, that is a huge amount of water, and use of facilities.

Just say no. You cannot afford it and you don't want to invite these people. This is your wedding. Sit down with your FH and make the guest list you want.

View Quoted Comment

"Is it too terribly tacky if we only invite family and our closest friends to the ceremony and feed them then send out separate invites to everyone else and just have appetizers and drinks at the reception?" - Alli

Maybe I'm misreading, but isn't she asking if she can do exactly as you suggested? Invite a small group to the ceremony, feed them dinner, and then invite all others to a (presumably separate) appetizer reception?

Alli, can you describe a in a little more detail what you plan on doing?

View Quoted Comment Well we both come from very large families, he is 1 of 6 boys, both our mothers have 4 siblings, our fathers have 3 and all our cousins have at least 3 kids each. So that alone is a ton of people and all our families are very close.We are both very laid back and we have lots of friends we want to come celebrate with us (as a lot of our friends have done) but I don’t particularly want to spend all my honeymoon money on a meal that people are essentially just going to poop out the next day! So I’m wanting to have just our family and closest friends to the ceremony (around 125-150 people) and then send out separate invitations to extended family, friends of the family etc that we want to celebrate with us but have appetizers, cake and beer at the reception. Between when the ceremony is over and before the reception starts we were going to have food catered to feed everyone at the wedding and by the time the reception starts have everything cleaned up and appetizers out.

I would just host a punch & cake reception outside of a meal time (so 10-11, 2-4, 7-9).

View Quoted Comment

Thanks for the details! I will defer to @Judith about this, as she is far more knowledgeable about all things Etiquette than me, but I would think the appetizer reception might be better done on another day. I think people might view it as a tiered reception if others just got done attending the ceremony and eating, and then others immediately arrive.

Frankly, I agree with PPs that you should just tell MIL no and invite who you want, unless she's will to pitch in and help substantially with costs.

View Quoted Comment I read the OP as you did, what she says, the large number would not even be at the ceremony. So not tiered. But other people were talking, that is a tiered reception. So I was pointing out, what she says she wanted at first, limited number at ceremony, followed by a wedding dinner. Then later all those people and more, actual reception, that mat he's a traditional thing to do. What other people said was hers was tiered Tiered is something different, all at ceremony, only some getting dinner, some apps, which is rude, is different. . . . I was not clear. I meant to confirm that OP proposed something okay. And others confused it with tiered, a not okay thing. . . . .I should never post when my little ones are just up. Distracted at 6 am.

If FMIL is not paying, she gets no say in the guest list!

But let me confirm what you're asking: You want to have a ceremony with 125-150 people, feed them, clean up the food, and then have another group of people like friends of the family come and feed them appetizers, cake and beer? Is that right?

View Quoted Comment Thank you ☺️

View Quoted Comment That’s correct

Also, FMIL is a complete control freak who doesn’t have the means to contribute anything to the wedding. My FH brother just got married a couple weeks ago and it was a total Karen show (Karen is FMIL). She forced the couple to do a sand ceremony they did not want to do, then made it to where she was up there pouring the sand, not even the bride and groom. She has to make herself the center of attention and it’s all “look at me look at me”. Neither myself or my FH are that way, we want very simple and cheap! We don’t think we need to spend a fortune to impress a lot of people we don’t care about, all that matters is our love and that I finally get to marry the love of my life! Any advice on how to deal with her 😅