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Dedicated September 2020

fmil vent

Furure Mrs., on February 10, 2020 at 4:52 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 10
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So I just need to vent a bit here. My FH's family is extremely well to do (however only his mother likes to show this off) where as I come from a more blue-collar background. FH and I have discussed numerous times how we are both far more comfortable with a laid-back blue-collar lifestyle for ourselves, and everything about our choices and personalities makes that quite clear. This has never been a huge issue, until we started planning our wedding. My FMIL keeps complaining and getting mad about how everything will be cheap and tacky, and how "her guests" (the few members of her family my FH chose to invite) will be so offended because certain aspects of our wedding aren't "nice enough". She also isn't contributing to our wedding (which is what we would prefer), and FH told her that means she doesn't get to have an opinion.

To be clear, nobody is expecting a high-class affair when it comes to our wedding. We are having it on my friend's farm, bales for seating, casual self-catered dinner, no alcohol, no DJ, etc. This is exactly how we envisioned our wedding, and other than FMIL nobody was surprised by our plans. In fact, almost everyone else is excited and thinks it is going to be great because this is normal in our social circle. It's starting to really bug me that she keeps getting offended and saying how our wedding isn't going to be good enough for "her guests".

10 Comments

Latest activity by Furure Mrs., on February 12, 2020 at 1:53 PM
  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie Online ·
    • Flag

    Are you able to stop sharing the details of your planning with your FMIL? I would just change the subject if she brings it up and talk about neutral topics.


    That said, she might have good advice on a few things that you could choose to compromise on, if you want to (e.g., hay bales are not actually comfortable to sit on, so you could rent chairs or benches; self-catering comes with lots of logistical issues so you might consider ordering inexpensive BBQ or sandwiches from a local restaurant). This isn't really about "well to do" vs. "blue collar" but about hosting the event you want to host while keeping your guests' comfort in mind.

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  • F
    Dedicated September 2020
    Furure Mrs. ·
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    We try to keep the wedding talk to a minimum, however she is understandably excited to talk with us about it. We have asked for her suggestions and compromised on a few things already. Having a traditional wedding cake was extremely important to her so we asked her to help us pick one out, we allowed her to invite a few extra people that she said were important to her to be there, and a few other things.


    We are only having bales for the ceremony seating, then will have chairs for the reception. We are also covering them with blankets to make them more comfortable for guests to sit on. And we are having bbq for dinner, which we are making with the help of family and friends (one of our friends makes the most amazing pulled pork). But she keeps saying how our wedding is going to look so cheap compared with her niece's wedding the following weekend which will be a black-tie affair (with a budget at least 10x ours), and how she would prefer it to be a classier event for her guests. But we are paying for the wedding ourselves (with some help from my family), and aren't willing to go into debt to have a big fancy wedding.

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  • Samantha
    Devoted July 2020
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    It's crazy because my FH's mom is more frugal and crafty like me, so she likes that I'm doing a lot myself and that we got a reasonably priced venue. But my FH's brother's wife was the opposite. They spent soooo much money on their wedding, my FMIL had to step back and tell them that she supports their choices but she can only give them so much because what they're wanting was above what she could afford. But, as for your situation, I think I would just continue to avoid wedding talk with her as much as possible and when she complains about something, just be firm that this is what you guys want and this is how it's going to be. I worked with a woman who had to do that when she had her daughter and her MIL complained that she didnt like the baby's name because it sounded like a boy name. She told MIL that she had her own children and got to pick their names and now she needs to let her son and his wife do the same for their own children. You don't have to be rude about it, but just stay firm because ultimately it's your day and your money.
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  • M
    Expert October 2021
    Megan ·
    • Flag

    For the most part, it sounds like your FMIL has quite a high opinion of herself and her "ways." The good thing is, you and FH are adults and you get to craft your own life/family devoid of his family of origin. It sounds like you've done a good job of letting these things roll off your back thusfar.


    That being said, however, I really recommend against self-catering. You're having friends and family work your wedding, and even if they're enthusiastic (seemingly or genuinely)... you're still having your nearest and dearest work on the day of your wedding. They should be able to relax and celebrate, just like you should. In addition to that, there are a lot of health concerns when it comes to making, storing, transporting, and serving that much food. I've been in the wedding industry long enough to here some unfortunate horror stories about illnesses at self-catered weddings.


    Mexican, Italian, and BBQ food are some of the most cost-effective food types to get catered out there--you can definitely do it without breaking the bank. I highly recommend you look into local options.

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  • Onya
    Expert October 2020
    Onya ·
    • Flag
    If she can’t pay, she don’t have no say. 🤣🤷🏽‍♀️


    But seriously it’s you guys decision and she has to respect it. Through the wedding how you wish. It’s your money and budget and EVERYONE invited knows this. So if they don’t want self catered food, they don’t have to eat. If they don’t want to sit on hay bales, they don’t have to sit on it. They don’t have to come. A wedding invitation is not an obligation to say yes. Do your thing and have an amazing wedding day. And don’t let her dull the planning. ❤️❤️
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  • Deb
    Dedicated October 2018
    Deb ·
    • Flag

    I think your plans sound like a nice, fun and casual wedding like you want it. I would rethink the self-catering. I was at a wedding where they made their own food. One guest who had way to much to drink threw up at the table. People started blaming it on the food (not the multiple whiskeys) and it got back to the bride and she was really upset.

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  • F
    Dedicated September 2020
    Furure Mrs. ·
    • Flag
    Thank you all for your advice! I should clarify that in my family self-catered weddings are very typical. Usually all of the aunts as well as the bride and her mother spend an hour or two the day before making salads and simple side dishes, and the main course (in our case bbq) is either something that can be made that day as well, or (in our case) is the only catered part of the meal. Our friend is making the bbq (which we are paying him for), and caters weddings quite often. This has worked well at all other weddings in my family and there has never been an issue with the quality of the food or any instances of food poisoning. And the only work that will have to be done the day of is putting the food out on the table before dinner is served.
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  • Shaina
    Expert October 2020
    Shaina ·
    • Flag

    I am soo sorry. It seems like you and FH have your vision and she will need to accept that. This is not her wedding. It seems like she is concerned about how she looks and her status. That shouldn't be something that is on her mind like that. She should be happy her son is getting married and supportive.


    If she has her own daughter one day she can have more of a say on helping her plan her wedding.

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  • Molly
    VIP September 2020
    Molly ·
    • Flag

    I'm in the same exact boat! My FMIL complained about my FH's sisters wedding being to formal and over complicated, but now that its time for our wedding she wants everything super nice and complicated. We are very blue collar and laid back. We are self catering with self serve bar of beer and wine. I want to use heavy duty paper plates and plastic silverware, but my FMIL was very off put by this and couldn't fathom having PAPER PLATES at a WEDDING!


    I have just stopped telling them our wedding plans. GOOD LUCK!

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  • F
    Dedicated September 2020
    Furure Mrs. ·
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    Oh we are 100% using disposable everything in terms of dinnerware at our wedding, and I am sure that my FMILs reaction was similar to yours. She kept saying how we HAVE to rent fine china (and threw in a comment about how a professional caterer may include that in their price). This one still makes me laugh because I keep thinking how funny it would look to have people (many probably wearing jeans) eating bbq off of bone china plates!


    I agree that not talking about the wedding plans if possible is probably best. Good luck to you as well!

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