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Dedicated September 2020

fmil Issues

Analie, on March 8, 2020 at 11:38 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 21

We are about two months away from my wedding date. My future mother in law had not helped plan the wedding because that with my families job to do. She is now saying that we need to change things like many decorations, photograph styles, placesettings, and hiring a wedding planner $1500. She have not offered any money for the changes that she is trying to make, but she wants my family to change them for a higher price item. I do not understand why she is trying to change plans that have already been in place for many months. But I am not sure what to do at this point. My fiancé and I have made many decisions together while we were wedding planning and she has been in charge with decorating the venue and I don’t understand why she is trying to change so much to this late into the game. I have been a very laid back bride so far, but her input is starting to stress me out and we are 11 weeks away. I don’t want to complain to my fiancé about his mothers action but I am stuck and I am thinking that this will turn into issue later down there if they are not corrected now.


What do I do?

21 Comments

Latest activity by MIWM, on March 9, 2020 at 3:42 PM
  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    Talk to your fiance and have him talk to his mom.
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  • A
    Dedicated September 2020
    Analie ·
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    But how do I work it to him?

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  • Emily
    Super August 2020
    Emily ·
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    Definitely need to talk to your FH about it. Since it’s his mom it’ll be easier for him to have a talk with her that you aren’t changing anything.
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  • Emily
    Super August 2020
    Emily ·
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    I’d just casually bring it up that his mom seems to be trying to change a lot of things and you don’t want to. Then see his thoughts on it.
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  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    I would just be direct and say everything you explained here. This is your future spouse. You two should be able to communicate concerns to each other. Are you worried he'll take it the wrong way or side with his mom or something?
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  • A
    Dedicated September 2020
    Analie ·
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    I’m worried he’ll get offended that I’m talking I’ll of his mother.

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  • Allie
    Dedicated May 2020
    Allie ·
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    This is tough and I definitely feel like she should not be trying to change things without helping out financially. But I also think this is a good opportunity to talk to your FH about the situation as well. There is nothing wrong with discussing thing your in laws do that are upsetting you with your partner at all. In my opinion I would rather know my FH felt comfortable enough with me to tell me if my family upset him, just as he makes it clear to me I can tell him anything about his family. As partners, we put one another first above everyone else. Family drama will always happen and it is important you each have each others back in these kinds of situations.
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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    Just tell him you’re super stressed out already, all the details have been decided and his mom wanting to make changes this late in the game isn’t possible and very stressful to you. Ask him to please let his mom know everything is already taken care of and to please back down.


    It’s totally ok to set boundaries! Your wedding is a perfect time.
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  • A
    Dedicated September 2020
    Analie ·
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    Thanks so much. He is a really good listener and doesn’t push me away but this was making me way too nervous.

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  • A
    Dedicated September 2020
    Analie ·
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    I told him before that I don’t want family driving a wedge but we definitely have to learn when to listen to our individual families and when to bump out on our own.

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  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    Honestly, if he gets super offended about that, you may have bigger issues on your hands. Open and honest communication is so crucial in a relationship and you telling him that his mother is adding more stress to you by wanting to change wedding plans is not you talking ill of his mother. It's you sharing something that's bothering you and causing you a lot of added stress.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Say, NO. **This is my and FI's planning to do. We made our decisions. And we will carry them out with no changes. ** **Please refrain from making any more suggestions. There is no point, since we are not changing things.**. Keep repeating the same message, in different words. Do not engage in any conversation about good idea, or better ideas. Do not discuss anything.. Do not try to give reasons, or justify your decisions. Do not criticize hers. There is no reason for you to be accountable to her. The message is, this is our wedding, we have decided what to do, and are not taking suggestions. No changes. End of Discussion. After a while she will tire of no one being willing to listen to any suggestions at all from her, and she will stop pushing against what feels like a locked door.
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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    It’s ok. Parents can sometimes be pushy when it comes to weddings. But he should address issues with his mom so you’re not “the bad guy.”
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  • A
    Dedicated September 2020
    Analie ·
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    Ok this sounds like better way to put it. When I get stressed or someone is pulling a bolt on me, I tend to say whatever comes to mind and it is normally rude and can potentially be offensive.

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  • A
    Dedicated September 2020
    Analie ·
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    My mother was telling me this and we are afraid of it turning into more of an issue especially after the wedding when the babies come.

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    You cannot talk badly of his mom. So no criticizing her suggestions. Or saying whose are better or worse. Say to FI, I am so proud that we have planned so much together. That we have found ways to make choices that stay within our budget. This planning has been a great start to our married way of doing things. Which is why I want to keep those plans. Maybe mom has fancier notions. But we have stayed in budget so far. And it really hurts my feelings for her to take apart our plan. We built it. We made the decisions. Please tell her that we have done the planning. We are happy with it. And we will make no changes , for any reason. No suggestions wanted or needed. ... Try not to make her sound bad, rather, to defend the two of you being a team. What you have is good, so let's not tamper with it. Ask Mom to stop suggestions.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Your mom is right. His mom needs to learn that there are new boundary lines in her relationship with you two together, and with her and her son. He and you are becoming your own primary family. She is outside that. She no longer has rights to review, criticize, or suggest changes than will undermine decisions you two make together. Where you live, whether it is worth changing jobs, or staying with what you have, when to have kids, how to prioritize your needs to stay within your budget so you don't have the insecurity of debt, these simple decisions are not hers, at all, unless one of you specifically asks her for her opinion . You don't want 3 people in your bed. You are a pair. Momma needs to move on from treating son like a boy. And respect the two of you as a couple. Get the same message from both of you, always. That most decisions are yours to make. You know what matters to you long term, you know your goals, you know your finances. And they are your business. As is making plans that affect your marriage. She needs to not interfere.
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  • Shania
    Devoted September 2021
    Shania ·
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    The next time she talks about it you could say with all due respect but a lot of things are already in place and I like how they are or if you don’t want to tell her you can ask your fiancé to
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  • Kate
    Expert October 2020
    Kate ·
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    At 11 weeks out, realistically, what can actually be changed? Everything should be pretty much set and ready to go right? (not a rhetorical question). Your FH is the one responsible for speaking to his mother about this, you're already under tons of pressure as the bride. If his mom wants changes, it will come at a price that she will be responsible for.

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  • Katie
    Expert January 2021
    Katie ·
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    Agreed ^ ^

    Being 11 weeks out, I think it's fair to say that you're committed to the decisions that have been made.

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