fmil is adding to the guest list of our small intimate wedding.

Okay so you have one of two options because technically in this situation I would advise you to talk to him and tell him that he needs to tell his mother that extended family cannot be invited. If he is unwilling to do that then the next step is you need to talk to her and let her know that one this is not the wedding that you both planned for also you told your mother that extended family was not invited and now your mother is hurt thinking that his mother-in-law was allowed to invite people and she wasn't and also that you two don't have the money for it. If your future mother-in-law wants these extra gas then your future husband needs to talk to her and ask her to pay for them.

Who is in charge of printing and sending the invitations? If it's you, you simply don't send one to those people.

Yikes :/

-"we want to be fair across the board, and we had told my mom we didn't want to add more ppl, so we think it is only fair that we don't add any on your side"

I definitely feel you though, for my wedding, I was the one who invited some extended family that I grew up with whereas my husband's side was very "all or nothing" and kept it to just immediate family for their side.

Would your fiance feel comfortable talking to his mom about how you feel about her adding ppl to your wedding? I don't wanna tell him how to live his life but he is marrying YOU and has to have your back even if it's against his mom

It sounds like there are really two problems here. One is that your future mother-in-law is not accepting your wishes and two that your fiance isn't standing up for what both of you want which isn't only hurting you, but also your mom who is helping pay for the wedding. I can tell from personal experience that you need to set boundaries. I would sit down with your fiance and tell him that you are uncomfortable with his mom taking over planning for a wedding that she isn't paying. I would also tell him that you told your mom no and how that he's allowing his mom extra people your mom is very upset especially because she is helping pay for the wedding. If he want listen I would put my foot down and say no we agreed we wanted a small wedding and your shouldn't have to compromise. Worst case if you are doing the invites I just wouldn't send any to these extra guests. His mom doesn't need to know until it's already said and done.

If your FH won't set boundaries, you need to set boundaries


"We have restricted space and budget. We've already decided on the list."
No pay, no say

The only people who own the guest list are you and your FH. You are correct that she is completely overstepping her bounds (not to mention so freely spending someone’s else’s money without a care!). But personally, I’d be way more concerned about your FH’s refusal to stand up to her and the decision you already made as a couple. I don’t think that sets a great precedent as to how you will make decisions as a couple in your marriage. Three’s a crowd for sure! I would definitely have a heart to heart with him, maybe in more general terms, about asserting yourselves as a couple, and that mom needs to respect your decisions and choices as a new family unit. If he’s not willing to do that and instead is always going to fall back on whatever causes the least “drama,” that isn’t fair to you at all.

Oh no. Your FH is not setting boundaries with his mom. He needs to nip it in the bud now before it gets worse after you marry.

It doesn’t have to be drama, you can tell her straight up either we can’t afford these extra people, we have already made our guest list, we have a limit due to COVID, we have a limit due to the venue, we are keeping the wedding under ___ people. Any reason would suffice. Some people would say you don’t even need a reason but she’ll likely ask why. If she offers to contribute financially you could consider it but otherwise no way can she add to your guest list. They’ll be awfully disappointed when they never receive an invite from you, just remember you’re the one in control of mailing the invites and if she is making promises to others about an invite it will be on her when they don’t get one!

Fiance will tell her no. Set up boundaries and keep repeating that no.