fmil dilemma

Well… Not an FMIL, but one of my FHs aunts is like this. I’m typically a pretty bold and very direct person, so even when she says things and she’s insisting on it I just keep a straight face and I just say no. No we won’t do that. Or no we don’t want that. Or no I don’t like the idea very much....... just stand your ground and she will now that you are not the average person she can push her ideas on. Just stay stern and very direct.

My mother is like this, its honestly her way or the high way. I changed my floral plan in favor of doing all fresh flowers over fake flowers so I don't have to deal with going to a million stores to find fake flowers for 10 centerpieces and to say she blew up at me is an understatement.

I agree with DJ, stand your ground or honestly just don't discuss wedding plans with her.

Girl, you are super sweet to want to take her feelings into consideration. But I have to say, the flavor of your wedding cake or the color palette of your wedding are not “small things”. These are important aspects of your wedding (The color palette is one of the foundations of the entire event!) that should reflect yours and your fiancé‘s personal styles and tastes. I think if I were in your shoes, I would just make those decisions, put them in writing, and put deposits down before even sharing with her. Ie, do your cake tasting, you and FH choose the flavors, sign a contract with the baker, and give them their deposit. Then if she asks, you can say “oh, we did our tasting and your son and I both loooooved these flavors! We are super excited for everyone to taste them!” Once she realizes the decisions have already been made and you and her son are both excited about them, hopefully she will back off. If she still tries to interject, you could try something along the lines of “ oh wow, that is really pretty, but FH and I really want to have all the aspects of our wedding reflect us and our personal styles. We both feel that it would make this experience more special and meaningful to us if we make these important decisions together, just the two of us”
Hopefully she will get the hint that this is YOUR wedding, and you would like it to reflect you and FH as a couple and experience the planning process together!

My in-laws hassled me about the venue being too far away. Hassled as in, they messaged about every other day suggested different "in town" venues.

Of course, I was 19, so my very mature response after being hassled for weeks was threatening to cancel the whole damn thing and just elope a week and a half out from the wedding.

In your case, I suggest not sharing those details with her any longer. There really is no reason to. Why does FMIL need to know about your cake flavor? I understand you may want to include her, but it's obviously causing you stress, and there is no real reason to do so. Cut her off, and if she asks about something, you can say "oh, we've taken care of that already." And if you want to tell her what you've done, then you can, but make it clear that the decision is already made and there is no room for her opinion.

Colors and cake flavor things I would just say "oh, we'll think about it!", "we prefer chocolate, but we'll make sure to have choices for people who don't". Just be polite and vague is my best advice.

You really shouldn't be that involved in picking things for your bridal shower. Whoever is throwing that for you (sounds like its FMIL?) definitely gets to make those decisions.

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Thank you!! My MOH and mother are actually throwing me the shower! They've made all of those decisions kind of based on my taste, but they're ultimately making all of those decisions. FMIL is just questioning them!

I can kind of relate. My FMIL is a lovely, well-meaning person that is very much a people-pleaser and she has been very active in trying to help get the wedding together. She is also extremely sensitive so when she asks about details she's wants to 'help' by offering other ideas or she's like, "have you though about this? What about doing that? What about (thing she saw on pinterest/Facebook that is nice but my FH & I either find unimportant or is something extravagant for weddings way above our budget)," and if I or FH don't answer nicely she gets her feelings hurt and we know its not out of malice but she just doesn't think rationally sometimes or she has all these ideas about something we already have decided and her idea isn't what we want.

I basically have given her free-reign over the bridal shower (she's hosting but has asked my opinion on a lot of things and I've been giving into the stuff she leans towards) and we're probably going to do a unity candle at our ceremony (at her insistence but my parents also did one at their wedding so I don't mind it), but other than that, I listen to her ideas and if its something that I've already finished or I already know exactly what I want I have started listening but then gently saying that, "thank you, but it's (whatever it is) already taken care, we're excited to see it at the wedding."

So I listen nicely, thank her, establish that whatever detail it is has already been finalized, then comment about how nice it'll be or how FH & I are excited to have whatever detail it is at our wedding.

If she is well-meaning, hopefully she won't try to steam-roll your finalized decisions and if you mention your happiness or excitement hopefully she won't make any comment about alternatives since you're already sooo happy and excited about your choice 😅😂

While it's sweet that you want to include her in planning, it sounds like it is causing extra stress and drama in your life that you really don't need. So if it were me, I would stop including her in things that she really has no business being involved in like selecting your wedding cake flavor or colors. As for the shower, I would nicely tell her that your mom and MOH are the ones hosting it and they have everything already decided, but thank you for trying to help. If she continues to ask about details, I would say "fiancé's name" and I have already made a decision regarding X and leave it at that. If that doesn't work and she says I think this way would be better then I would say we are very happy with the decision we made so while I appreciate your input we won't be changing our minds. You can still be nice without allowing her to bully you or take over planning your wedding.

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Got it. In that case, I would do the same thing as with the colors/etc. "this caterer has really great reviews, and fits the formality of the shower - hopefully you will find something you like" or "oh that's a great idea! Maybe you could use that caterer for the rehearsal dinner (if they're hosting it for you)". You get the idea

I've had this happen a couple times while planning my wedding. My FMIL has gone out of her way to ask people if they would do something without asking me and my FH if that is what we want. I love her to death, but it just drives me nuts. Especially if I find out from someone else.