fmil and Guest list

I think the biggest thing that needs to happen right now, before you do anything else, is you and your FH need to get on the same page about what you want for your wedding. It sounds like he’s willingly giving in to anything his mother wants and that’s just not ok. If a bigger wedding is what he wants, you need to come together and find a compromise that works for both of you and your budget.

View Quoted Comment That's the thing. We were fully on the same page with everything. He thought our guest list was a perfect size and also figured his mother would only have maybe 20 people or so and most would be people on our list already. It was a big shock for the both of us, but he's a momma's boy and will let her have her way. I tried mentioning we should talk to her about it and he tells me I need to message her about it since I'm the one worried. Which ultimately I will, but would be nice to have his support as well.

Girl no!!!!! I keep saying if they don't know us as a couple and we don't know them then why are they coming, I totally understand your frustration. Personally I wouldn't want to go to the wedding of someone I don't know.. Does your FH honestly want all those people there?

View Quoted Comment Thank you!! That's exactly what I keep saying. Honestly I doubt he does. He doesn't think most of those relatives will show, so I still don't understand spending the money and sending them an invite. But him and his mother say "It's the polite thing to do" 🙄

The polite thing to do is give every guest a meal and a seat.


Your FH needs to talk directly with your MiL and set boundaries.
This goes beyond wedding planning. You need to have a serious talk with FH about how he needs to step up

View Quoted Comment Yes that's what I said. It'd be very rude to invite someone and not have a place or meal for them.
We'll be sitting down tonight after work and discussing this more. I love my FMIL but she definitely oversteps in any situation. His solution is always for me to talk to her, but I know she needs to hear it from her son as well or she'll keep doing what she's doing.

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I'm not inviting all of my family, my moms side are all alcoholics and we've never been close with them so I didn't invite any of them. I didn't invite second cousins and on, my grandma gave me the guilt trip of the century, she told me she felt like I was breaking up her family, she even said "That's fine I'll just sit at the wedding and talk to myself". I just don't feel like we need to invite everyone we have ever come into contact with.

View Quoted Comment Your grandma sounds a lot like his mom. But she also just wants to be nice and send everyone invites, but I don't feel the need to. So I feel the exact same way you do. There's just no need to invite those people. I finally did convince FH that we need to talk to his mother about it together so we'll see how this goes tonight. Told him there's no "being nice and sending invites." That's how you get unwanted guests showing up. We invite who we want and we have the final say on who we want at our wedding. Ultimately he agreed and felt bad for taking his mother's side in the first place. He just doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

She does need to hear it from her son. But first , he needs to hear from you: whose wedding is this? Do you want to invite all these people only your mother knows well, and marry her, while I take a vacation to clear my head, and think about a future without you? Or are you planning to marry me, and make decisions with me about our wedding, and long term , our life. That means always having a place for parents, and family, a small but important part of our lives, but with major decisions made with our priorities as a couple in mind. ........... It is quite reasonable for his mother to want to invite 10-18 people including SO or children, who are not on FI's list. I assume he included some family and family friends already. But giving even half as many to her, as he has said, is making it her wedding. And that is not acceptable. For those on your own lists, you may want to have a test, that only a very few of your own guests will be exempted from. Outside of parents, grandparents, and siblings : First cut anyone you have not directly seen in 5 years, completely. Next, take out anyone you see around at other people's parties or gatherings, whom you have yourselves, you or FI, not cared enough to visit their home, and have them visit you, in 3 years, or whom you have not made direct plans to have a restaurant meal with, or go out with at least 2 x in 3 years, if you haven't visited each other's homes. ( You may keep those thousands of miles away for a few years, who have just come close again. Cousins who went to school or the military long distances away. ) Now, if you hear these people are visiting near you, would you ordinarily be happy to invite them to dinner, and you pay $125 per person for their meals and drinks? Anyone on your list who does not pass, take them off your list. His mom's list, has to pass those tests for her. Her dear old friend or aunt's daughter she has seen once or not at all in 5 years, off. People who live within a few hours drive, who do not travel that couple hours each way to visit her, and she visit them? Off the list. You are not cutting these family out of your lives forever, or dropping these friends. Mom can separately schedule one large or several small family gatherings where you get to see lost great aunts ( mom's aunts) and cousins. And that is great. But they do not warrant a wedding invitation.
Make sure the total number invited to your wedding will cost at least 10% less than the money you have available. And when figuring cost per person, remember state taxes take 8-10% of the total food and drink bill, and you will pay 20-25% more in gratuities and administration fees. And when you buy a cake or a bottle of wine elsewhere, you may pay $1-2.50 per piece or glass to have it served. So realize that choosing a $50 meal may mean a $90 apiece cost for a meal. And drinks may be $50 a person, or $25 to drink juice or soda . Assuming FI chooses you over mom, he and you together must plan out the finances. So the two of you do not go into debt for a party. Getting married costs about $100. The party is the source of most disagreements, and you and FI must now see you selves as a team, and the families you came from as important, but never overruling one of you and taking control. Or your marriage won't last as long as it took to plan.

View Quoted Comment I couldn't agree more! I finally got him to see it in my perspective and also agrees he doesn't want all those people there that we don't see or talk to often or ever. As for our list we actually did something similar to what you suggested. Most of our guest list we actually do talk to or see at list once or twice a month. Most more often then that. Plus there will be 2 family reunions late summer so she can see all those relatives she wants to invite then and we'll see all our distant relatives on my side as well so I wasn't too worried about inviting them to the wedding as well as most would have to choose between one event or the other.

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I also have people who I sent save the dates to that now I am like it wouldn't break my heart if you weren't to show, but I obviously have to send an invitation. I really don't want anyone there that we aren't close with. I even told my fiance he needed to stop giving plus ones out like they are candy LOL

View Quoted Comment I’m glad you came to an agreement, that’s the most important thing!

Yes, the wedding is over in a day. But the communication style of working through this kind of issue will be healthy for your whole marriage. Good for you !

I think I have to say what others have not said. It looks like your upcoming nuptials are in September. And while I truly believe the nation will be on the mend of all this Covid stuff, I feel that their will still likely be restrictions on mass gatherings. Have either of you thought of that throughout all this?

If you and your FH were told tomorrow that mass gatherings would be restricted where would your list lie then? I think you have to think of the new world coming.

Now, I think your FMIL is being slightly selfish in wanting 75 extra invites, but if she's willing to pay for it, I wouldn't think twice. But your FH needs to wake up if he thinks he doesn't think you need to pay for all those extra people. 5 - 10 extra people, you may get lucky and not have to pay. BUT an extra 100- 150 at a minimum of $50 per person... is approximately $10k with taxes, service fees and gratuities. Maybe if you quantify it, may make him think twice.

View Quoted Comment We sure have! We will be having a very small ceremony with immediate family only if it comes down to it. Our venue is basically a little cabin out in the woods surrounded by big beautiful trees and a man made pond that is family owned so I'm not worried about that one bit. Then we'll reschedule our reception later on if we feel the need for it. I'm not into the big party afterwards but FH is so we'll do that if he wishes.
I also talked to FH and explained that we can't invite people without having a place or meal for them and it took a little bit of time but finally got him on the same page.
We are going to talk to his mother about it this weekend. I know she's willing to pay for so much, but I'm not going to allow her to do that. Thank you for your advice! I'm hoping we'll be okay with our original plans, but if not I'm completely fine with a very small intimate ceremony.