fmil and Covid19 issue... please help

I do see how you’re upset because you’d want her there. But I do think you have to understand that.. a 102nd bday party sounds so rare in the idea that how much longer does the granddad really have to live? How many more bdays do you predict he would have?


I know your wedding is once in a lifetime too but I guess some people are just more comfortable with certain things than others - maybe the bday party will have less people and would be mostly family? Im not sure why she feels safer in one instant than another but there’s not much you can do about it

I can agree with you on the double standard of picking and choosing what events to go to.. that’s a obvious jab at your wedding and furthermore your FH is marrying you he has to tell his mom that the wedding is going to happen if you are present or not (sorry for being so blunt) but his loyalty is with you now not his mommy and if she is that concern possibly have a Zoom or FaceTime arrangement so she can be apart if she cares to. I have learned from my FMIL she is very vindictive and her son my FH doesn’t see no wrong in her but it’s your job to make him understand if the shoe is on the other foot the wedding would still go on.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your input...and I do feel that there isn't anything I can do. But to respond to a few of your questions... no they are not planning for a small gathering for the gdad party. And I'm not saying they shouldn't have it I think they totally should... but how do you justify 1 large party over another... and its a month and a half later. I really feel like there is another agenda there. We are talking about changing it but not to anything drastic... probably the end of the year. Covid is still going to be a thing then...I feel like there will just be another issue then. Idk... just really kind of upsetting.

View Quoted Comment I can see how you’re upset by it! It is weird she’s choosing one over the other in large events. I hope things work out with her.

I can sympathize with your frustrations. If you have decided to power ahead with your wedding and there are no government or public authority rules that stop you from doing so, you need to stand firm and possibly have your FH act on this, depending on the circumstances. If your FMIL is immunocompromised or particularly elderly, I think you should consider postponing. If however her fears are grossly exaggerated, I think your FH needs to be firm with his mother and insist that the health advice from government has indicated it is safe to proceed (if it is in fact so) and make her realize that she will miss out on her son’s wedding, something she will never get back.
It’s not an easy call, and as I said above, it’s not black and white - the circumstances will really dictate how you go about things.
Best of luck!

This is such a touchy subject because technically things are open and allowed but youll still have people that feel it shouldnt be or they still think theyre gonna get sick. You have the option of having her at the wedding virtually. But I also think three months in advance is way too soon for her to decide she doesnt want to go. I would try explaining that she may feel differently closer to the date. Things are changing by the day, September could be a totally different situation than now

I’m really surprised that the same family members would attend a birthday party for granddad next month, who is 102 (and obviously very high risk)... but not attend your wedding in 3 months. Why do you think that is? It sounds like there’s something deeper than the virus.


But, the real issue doesn’t sound like it’s with your guests or your FMIL. Your FH said that he can’t get married in September without his mom. So that’s actually on your FH and not his mom. You can always get married without her being present. But you can’t get married without your FH present. However he’s agreeing with his mom and he’s also making excuses for the family about attending the bday party. I know you feel “some kind of way” about your FMIL. But it sounds like that feeling is being directed at the wrong person. So, you and your FH need to have a serious talk. If you aren’t on the same page about September, then I’m not sure how you can move forward with it. That’s really tough and I’m sorry this is happening so close to the wedding.

I agree with others here. I believe it's a deeper issue too because if family can attend a 102nd birthday for grandpa they should be coming to your wedding. And I understand that it's important for your FH to have his mom there, but if she wont come how long can you keep pushing your wedding back? Def talk to your FH and find out why he feels this way. And I'd wanna know why my MIL refuses to come.

View Quoted Comment Thank you. I agree things are changing daily so how can you say what you aren't going to do in 3 months??? Also, in Ohio the governor has said that as of June 1 weddings of up to 300 can resume. But the FMIL is, with out a doubt, sure that the world is going to shut down again in August (so convenient for our Sept wedding). I'm just praying about it bc I really don't know what to do.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your input. I agree with you as well. I haven't actually said anything to my FMIL bc I think it's not my place. I think as being his FW he should be standing up for me and talk to his mom about what her options are. But instead he has said to me that I'm being selfish for not wanting to move MY wedding for OTHERS. So, yes we are not on the same page in that aspect. We definitely need to talk about it more. Keep us in prayer.

View Quoted Comment Correct, The conversation to have is with FH and not FMIL. Talking to FMIL is his job. But it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to do that. So are you upset at your FMIL because of her decision not to attend the wedding? Or is it because her decision is affecting your FH’s decision?

View Quoted Comment Yes to everything you said!!! Exactly how I feel. We are going to talk about it more today. Thank you for your input. All of this has put a damper on the excitment of everything. But better to talk about it now.

View Quoted Comment Good question... I'm upset that a mother would say that...she knows her influence. She could have just said she had some concerns but instead she said she's not coming... Then I guess I am upset too with my FH bc I don't feel like he has defended me at all. He took what she said and has turned it into Gold. And at the end of the day it's supposed to be about US. I think it makes me think about the future also... am I going to always have to defend myself to him about his mother? I think its unfair but it's a touchy subject. I feel like if I say the wrong thing to him about her its going to make things worse. You know how people are about their mother's. But does that mean he is putting me behind his mother??? Our life together should put us first? We should be making decisions about whats good for us. We have been together almost 4 yrs and engaged for the last 1.5 years and never before have i felt like he wasn't defending me. I even asked the uncomfortable question if he really wanted to get married and he said yes, without hesitation. I don't think a date change is necessary, and yes some people will not come bc of everything that is going on and I think that is ok. Just praying that the answer or some sort of compromise will come soon.

View Quoted Comment Reading about your situation also made me think about the future and whether he would continue to fold to his mother’s decisions, because that would be very difficult to deal with. But since your FH typically defends you and this is a first time occurrence, then I feel like his real issue isn’t being expressed. I wonder if he’s using his mother’s hesitation to mask his own concerns. Not concerns about being married.... but concerns about the wedding happening this September amidst the pandemic and his feelings about guests not showing up. Perhaps he doesn’t share your same views about guests declining due to the virus and he wants them present. But instead of saying that, maybe it’s easier for him to support his mom or call you selfish, instead of saying what he really feels. I’m sure he knows how much you want September to still go forward. It’s not easy saying no to an excited bride. So it might be hard for him to disappoint you about something as big as the wedding by expressing his own desire for it to be postponed. I think he knows how much it would hurt you if he directly expressed not wanting the wedding to happen in September. So it’s easier (although passive) to say that it’s because of the FMIL. I really don’t know… Just a thought.



And as for the FMIL, I’m not sure why she would attend the birthday party and not the wedding. Since he’s 102, maybe she thinks that there won’t be any more birthdays for granddad and will take the risk. But she feels that the wedding is something that can be more easily postponed to a later date. Again, just thoughts from an outside view 😉

If she believes a second wave is coming in August, that could be why she's comfortable with a party in July but not September. What is your relationship like with her?

I'd also want to get on the same page with FH. If he's saying he won't marry you in September without his mother there, you might need to make other plans.

Best of luck with everything!

View Quoted Comment I appreciate the outside view...I hadn't thought about him siding with his mom to prevent from telling me no. I will definitely take that into consideration. Still sucks though...lol but your comment has allowed me to think about it more rationally and calm down a bit. Thank you😊

View Quoted Comment You're welcome. Stay positive!

View Quoted Comment Happy to provide a different angle for looking at the situation. Hope it all works out in the end. Best wishes!

You're not wrong at all. I'm concerned with why your FH is allowing his mother to dictate your wedding and his presence. He proposed marriage to you, which means he promises to marry and sees you as a wife. He is not marrying his mother! I agree with someone else, propose a virtual opportunity for her to be present and thats that. If shes so concetned with her health and safety, she'd attend virtually. If she doesn't agree to that, she's full of it. Also, a 102 yr old is at a major risk of not surviving COVID. Help me to understand how the family is okay with putting him at risk????!!! Your fmil is okay with him and herself being at risk but can't do the same for your wedding? She's full of excuses and drama. Your fh should recognize this and keep moving forward.

So I just wanted to give you all an update. First thank you, thank you, thank you all for all of your responses as well for allowing me a space to vent. You all really provided some angles that I was unable to see. The FH and I had an indepth convo and long story short we are moving our day to December 19, 2020. There were just so many restrictions on the table that were not at all even dealing with the FMIL. I am very happy that we were able to come to terms with a decision we made together and I actually feel much better and more excited then I have been with planning everything. So, here's to moving forward🥂, love, life, and happiness...and no more in limbo. 😁