Flower Girl’s Mom

Dad's are parents too. I think it is fine to just have him along.

You can not tell her she can't accompany her child. I'd say cross your fingers that she's getting ready during that time? Maybe if you want to be a bit proactive without crossing into rude territory you could have your FH tell his best man that the mom doesn't need to come if she doesn't want to, so she knows she's off the hook.

View Quoted Comment Yes this I agree!

Just talk to her. I'm sure she'll understand that you just want the photos to be just the wedding party, and that you want the guests to wait to see everyone until after. If you're uncomfortable with that, have your FH talk to his bm about your concerns and ask him if he's good being the only parent there for the time being. You CAN tell her not to accompany her child, as long as one parent is there, which he will be, so it shouldn't be too big of an issue

The photos should only be for the bridal party, so she should not be included. I recommend taking photos with the whole party and flower girl/ ring bearer right away. That way, you can then send the kids on their way with their parents and finish taking pics with just your bridal party. You could even have the mom stick around so she can wait for the groups photos to be done so she can then take her daughter once she’s done.

That’s what I plan on doing. My cousin and her husband will stick around after the ceremony while we get pics with their kids, and then they will take their kids once we finish that portion.

You can’t expect the child’s mother not to come all you can do is hope leaving her with her dad is good enough but if it’s not you can’t tell her not to be there.

Talk to your photographer. Warn her/him that this mom can be pushy. Ask the photog to take control of the shoot and not let the mom step in. Most great photographers know how to lead the shoot.

I also agree it’s not reasonable to expect the mother to not be there. Perhaps she is also going to travel with them to avoid driving separate cars? I like the suggestion to let the BM know she doesn’t have to be there but I wouldn’t sweat it if she is.

Outside of the fact that I don’t believe anyone has a right to tell a mother she can’t accompany her child somewhere, I see another issue with this plan. Who is going to be watching this child when she’s done with photos but her father isn’t? She’s 5 which means she is old enough to walk around and play and maybe entertain herself, but not old enough to be unsupervised while doing so.

So, to clarify:
-we are doing wedding party and our immediate family photos during first look, before the ceremony
-I strongly do not want any additional people there, and this is not about her needing to be managed by the photographer but more her oppressive and frantic energy that I don’t want to be near just before our ceremony.
-I would like to better understand why I can’t expect a father (surrounded by multiple responsible adults) to be an appropriate level of parental supervision to his child
-our wedding is at a resort where everyone will be for the weekend, so traveling together is a non-issue. We will be shuttled to a nearby spot off-site for these photos. So while I don’t wish to be disrespectful to her, I don’t see any need for her to be along for the ride.

View Quoted Comment You don’t have to see a need for it, but you have to respect that it is her child you’re talking about so if she isn’t comfortable with the idea of her child going off site without her than it is what it is. Just because you believe everyone in your wedding party is a responsible adult doesn’t mean she feels that way when it comes to the care of her child and since the father will be busy taking pictures during that time, I can’t see how he can really watch his daughter during pictures.

I don't have children either, and we aren't having a flower girl...but in your situation i would just talk to the mom and say you are planning on having immediate family and wedding party only photos and that she could stay back and enjoy cocktail hour or whatever.

OR have your FH talk to his best man and explain that the mom does not need to come with due to it being family/wedding party and that you and your FH do not want extra people there due to the photographer being on a time crunch and wanting to get everything done in a reasonable time..

Personally i don't get why everyone feels the need to always say you cant separate the mom and child, that's rude....uhh no.

like i said i don't have kids, but if i did and my child was in a wedding, why would i need to be there if im not in the wedding? that mom would only want to be there solely because shes pushy and wants to be involved.

so yeah, id just spell it out point blank that you only want the family and wedding party present at the photos.

View Quoted Comment Ok Sarah, maybe cool your jets, because no one got that far yet. No one has expressed discomfort, except me, actually. All I was asking is whether there is an *etiquette* issue with simply not inviting her along in the first place. If it’s that big a deal to her and she wants to make it an issue, then your point certainly becomes valid, because a decent person wouldn’t fight with a mother over the oversight of her child.

Oh, and since you like handing out respect for other people, I’ve blindly decided for you that you have to respect that it is my wedding we’re talking about, so if I’m not comfortable with some woman I don’t like (who insisted her child be in our wedding to the point my fiancé felt bad and agreed to let her be in it) coming off site with us then it is what it is.

View Quoted Comment My jets are plenty cooled. I’m speaking as a mother. You said you see no need for her to be there, but that isn’t your call to make. You certainly don’t need to invite her, just like you didn’t need to include her child in the first place. And yes, you can say she can’t be there, but then she can say her daughter can’t be in your photos. I was simply giving you the perspective of a mother who understands just how much no one else is paying attention to the wedding party children while they’re taking photos because I’ve seen it first hand.

So I think that the dad would be fine taking care of the daughter during the picture, but here's my 2 cents as a mother.

I would still want to accompany my child for the photos, because if my husband is in the wedding, then this is also meant to be a time that's fun for him and to celebrate his friend. My husband is an amazing dad and is very capable of taking care of our kids without me, but I would want to take my kids to the venue after their photos were done (this is what we did at my wedding) so my husband could enjoy himself and so my kids wouldn't get bored. If you wanted them to stay for the entire time, then I would just watch my kids off to the side so my husband could enjoy himself.

I understand that you don't like this woman, and that's fine, so I personally think the best course of action would be to take the pictures with the flower girls and then have the mom take her daughter to the venue. Then she'll be out of your hair and her husband can enjoy being with his friends.

View Quoted Comment

I agree also with this. You don't want to tell her what she can and can't do with her child without sounding bossy and then that will probably just piss her off, so avoid her acting out on your special day and causing you grief or angst.

I'm speaking as a mother and as a probably too anxious bride. But there are several reasons I would want her there. Firstly, you said pictures are before your ceremony and she's 5. She will not be in every picture which means there's a period of time she'll need to be entertained. 5 year olds do not just stand there waiting for their turn to do something--- she will absolutely need to be monitored or entertained in some fashion. If her mom isn't there and dad is busy with pictures, who is making sure said 5 year old isn't running and ruining her hair, getting her dress dirty, etc?
There's also the fact that you'll want dad focused on pictures. Good photography is great but if he's distracted and trying to make sure daughter is doing what she's supposed to, there's a good chance the pictures won't be as good or will take longer to get the pictures you want.
I know in a perfect world the 5 year old would be an angel and all of this would be moot, but likely, that's not the case. I know you may not want mom's energy, but her ability to appropriately watch her child and keep her child happy might provide a better energy than a pissed off bored 5 year old trying to hold it together before a ceremony and a pissed off bride watching a 5 year old melt down.

View Quoted Comment That’s a good idea, I’ll definitely consider that. Thank you!

So my flower girl belongs to our friends and neither are in our wedding party. I feel kind of the opposite that idc if they need to come a little early for their daughter to be in some pictures because I feel like her mom would give her good direction for pictures and to remember what to do walking down the aisle and such. I guess we have to invite them to the rehearsal dinner to because we can't just invite their kid haha. But this mom doesn't annoy me and isn't rude haha. I could see where the situation gets sticky in which now they have to commute in separate vehicles, but if there's potential she would mess with your vibe and energy before your actual ceremony I would say you can try to mention/have your FH mention that she doesn't have to come for pictures if she wants the time to get ready and maybe she'll be fine with it. I would just spin it to "favor" her to see what the outcome is. I don't think you could outwardly be like you can't come.

View Quoted Comment Ha! Your situation sounds way more pleasant! This one is definitely a rough one, but I promise I won’t just outright tell her she can’t come- that would be pretty awful. I like the idea of giving her a positive spin! Otherwise I’m going to have to get my sister in law to babysit her and secretly sage her