Skip to main content

Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Whitney
Just Said Yes November 2020

Flower girl drama

Whitney, on April 20, 2020 at 5:14 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 17
Okay a little bit of back story before we dive in,
My fiancé’s older brother got married 5 years ago. He and his wife had issues getting pregnant. My fiancé and future in laws are not her biggest fans as she tends to divert my future brother-in-law’s time and attention away from his family to solely focus on her own, ya know “normal family drama”.

Flash forward to present day,Our wedding is scheduled for November 2020 (7 months away). We have EVERYTHING planned, except songs, despite the stress caused by COVID-19. My future sister-in-law has now decided to add to that stress and ask why her 10 month old daughter hasn’t been asked to be the flower girl. I personally would never ask a 17 month old baby to be in my wedding. Here are a few key points:1.) I have already chosen my cousin’s 6 year old (who will be 7 at the time of the wedding). 2.) It is an outdoor ceremony where the wedding party will be proceeding from inside a house and have to walk down 3 different set of stairs and navigate around a pool in order to get to the yard which then slopes downhill to lakeside. So wagons are definitely off the table. 3.) My fiancé is now being told that if his niece (the current 10 month old) isn’t appointed as a flower girl, then his brother will no longer agree to be a groomsman in the wedding and that they won’t be attending altogether.
My fiancé is absolutely mortified because this is OUR day and we should be supported by loved ones not presented with ultimatums. Are there any suggestions on how to resolve this issue? Trying not to start a family feud. TIA

17 Comments

Latest activity by Brenna, on April 23, 2020 at 1:58 AM
  • Molly
    VIP September 2020
    Molly ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    Geez! I'm sorry. Maybe you can find another title for his niece.

    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    If we're being honest, I think lots of people would be a little hurt if their sibling didn't ask their child to be in their wedding, but included a more distant relative. That being said, that doesn't mean that it's right or that they have to get their way. If you want to find a way to include her to keep the peace, ask your FBIL to carry her down the aisle and call her a flower girl. If you don't want to include her, kindly tell them that because of the venue setup, you don't feel like it would be safe for her to participate. If you say it's for her safety, they can't really argue.

    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Expert October 2021
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Like you said, this is an ultimatum. You are under no obligation to give in to this ultimatum. Graciously inform them that whilst you care for them and your niece dearly that you will be sad but understand that this is their decision. This is on them not you. There will be drama, it's not yours, so enjoy the next few months.
    • Reply
  • Ashley
    Savvy September 2020
    Ashley ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    So I have gone through something very similar. My fiancé’s family has small children under the age of two. I did not ask for them to be in the wedding. I asked my god daughter who will be 3 and her brother who will be 5 to be the flower girl and ring bearer. Since I have made that decision it’s been nothing but drama from that side of the family. Let them become absorbed in their own drama and focus on you and him for your day’
    • Reply
  • Chantelle
    Devoted October 2021
    Chantelle ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I understand why family could feel a type of way about roles in the bridal party in general, but the fact they presented it as an ultimatum for them to come to your wedding, that is so very wrong for them. I say you’re better off without them. Don’t give into that kind of behavior. Both sides need to act like a “family” not just you. Your thought process is valid and makes sense. Their thought process is dramatic and manipulative. So just rise above and stick to what’s right for you.
    • Reply
  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    Ugh, what an uncomfortable situation all around. I would personally not give in. But I recognize not everyone is willing to hold the line at the risk of alienating unreasonable people. Only you and your future spouse can decide if the risk of his brother not attending is worth being firm with your boundaries. But take heart that if this "starts a family feud" it won't actually be you starting it. They are 100% in the wrong.

    • Reply
  • Samantha
    VIP October 2020
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    So I have two nephews, one who will be less than a year old and a wagon isn’t an option at my venue either. I’m calling them both ring bearers because I love them both equally, but the older child is obviously the ring bearer. They’ll both be listed in the program but only one of them will walk down the aisle. If you want to find a middle ground you could do something like that. Honestly, I think I would explain the exact concerns you listed to the couple and ask them what they would like you to do. You don’t have to do it, just ask them to vocalize “I want you to fire your cousin’s six year-old” or “I want my child to walk to navigate the aisle despite the stairs and the pool.” Sometimes irrational people need to hear themselves out loud to realize they haven’t thought everything through. You are always well within your rights to respectfully accept her decline to the wedding, but I don’t know if your FS is okay with that possibility.
    • Reply
  • Allie
    Dedicated May 2020
    Allie ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    We went through a similar situation but with FH’s sister. Won’t get into too much detail but FH was very annoyed that she’d take such a stance on guilting him to make her newborn daughter a flower girl(she’d be 7 months by the wedding). He was taken back because like you say, it’s a day about the couple, not about her. But in the end you just have to decide if it’s the hill you want to die on. In our case, it was just easier to let her have her way this time, even though he was super mad. I ended up reaching out and asked her to be the honorary flower girl and said she can carry her down(fsil is a bridesmaid), since she wouldn’t be able to walk. Fast forward a month and we cancelled our wedding to elope because of covid19 so we no longer need a flower girl! Lol. Try not to stress to much, no one will remember the flower girl except parents tbh! I understand setting boundaries is necessary but sometimes it’s good to let things go for your own sanity!
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Divorce her. She is developmentally too childish herself to be married and a mother. Okay, wishful thinking. ... You are wise not to put performance expectations on her at that age. Perhaps you can get a small bunch of helium balloons , and when you go to take your seats after being introduced, or when others are giving speeches, she can officially as youngest ( presumably ambulatory) member of the family, come and give you a happy kiss of congratulations, and give you some balloons. (Or flowers.) And you give her back one with a weighted loop handle that keeps it down within her reach , to take back to her seat. And everyone can smile and take pics of her in her party dress, being cute. It will be better than some speeches and toasts. Because the reception is in a small, level, easy to negotiate space, it might be an easy sell, now that you are finished planning your ceremony, and have moved on to the reception. If BIL is giving a speech, he can send her over, and let her give you first congratulations kisses, and call her back.
    • Reply
  • Autumn
    Devoted July 2020
    Autumn ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    If you can't stand up to people and tell them it's you and FH day and that they don't get a say than just call off having a flower girl at all?

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Why take being the flower girl away from the 7 year old girl, to settle things with the groom's unreasonable SIL?
    • Reply
  • Naikesha
    Super September 2020
    Naikesha ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    Well I see 2 options you give in and make her an unofficial flower girl. have a decorated wagon behind the last row of seats onto the side when the dad walks down he can wheel her down or you say Thanks but no thanks. For safety reasons and the look I'm going for I will not have a unpredictable 17 month old baby in my wedding. So if that means that the brother wont stand up and be there to walk down the aisle so be it.

    I personally wouldn't bend because of the ultimatum. It's outright rude and rather obnoxious to be given an ultimatum anytime but on your wedding day come on.

    • Reply
  • Kayse
    Expert December 2020
    Kayse ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    Geez, how horrible of them. If it were me, I would not give in to a ridiculous ultimatum like that, but if you really don't want to cause a family feud, I agree with the poster who said to have your FBIL carry her down the aisle and just have two "flower girls." Is your FSIL in the wedding party?

    • Reply
  • Kari
    Master May 2020
    Kari ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    Well your FSIL is being a nightmare. But after reading everything my first thought was how you need to be really careful with little ones around water features and having a processional that passes a pool and lake would be enough for me to nix any toddler being a part of the wedding party unless carried by an adult the entire way (not to even mention the three sets of stairs). Perhaps emphasize the logistics and safety risks when you explain why a 17 month old absolutely cannot be a part of your wedding processional.

    • Reply
  • Whitney
    Just Said Yes November 2020
    Whitney ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    No FSIL is not in the wedding party. I’ve been around her maybe all of 6 times. Twice before the baby was born. So not much of a relationship between us anyway. Which is why I’m so baffled by her request. I was in my cousin’s wedding and have watched her daughter grow up so I thought she’d be the obvious choice.
    • Reply
  • Kayse
    Expert December 2020
    Kayse ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    Wow, I would have been completely baffled too.

    • Reply
  • Brenna
    Beginner April 2021
    Brenna ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Kindly tell them, that it is a lot of stairs etc that cannot be accommodated for a toddler. You should not be forced to make a decision you do not want. There are reasons behind that, and they should respect it. If your FBIL were not to go, that shows who he is a person. If you want to give in to a point, maybe she could go down with the other flower girl, or meet her at the lawn and walk the rest of the way?
    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics