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Just Said Yes September 2019

Flaky bridesmaids

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Kaeleigh, on June 11, 2019 at 1:38 AM

So tonight I received a message from one of my bridesmaids saying that she booked a trip the day of the rehearsal dinner and would not be back before noon the day of the wedding, we have a hair and makeup appointment scheduled at 8 am, there’s nine people including me who needs hair and makeup done. The bridesmaid in question said that I was targeting her for planning this trip, and should give her the benefit of the doubt because it slipped her mind. Am I crazy for telling her she is out of the wedding? We’re 87 days away. She knew the dates way before she booked this trip, and then told me that the rehearsal was not important and that she doesn’t need her makeup done, nor does she need to be there for pictures. How do I handle this without becoming a total bridezilla? She’s already gaslighting me and guilting me to make it seem that I’m in the wrong. I told her that I didn’t want her in the wedding if that’s how she felt and she said it was my fault.. blah blah blah. I run a pretty tight ship and remind my girls weekly of events coming up. I’m just stressed by this and I don’t know how to address the conversation after her telling me that it’s basically my fault. How should I address it or should I just cut her off completely?

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56 Comments

Super September 2019
ASMini914 · on June 11, 2019 at 8:29 AM
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There are a lot of discussions on these boards about what bridesmaids are expected to do and not do. While those often turn into heated discussions, and people feel very differently... the ONE thing everyone generally seems to agree on is that the bare minimum expectation of a bridesmaid is to be there on time for your wedding and wearing the correct attire. Which in this case includes the hair/makeup that you are paying for them to have. I think you’re 100% justified in asking her to step down. This is the bare minimum and she can’t even be there, and on top of that was rude by telling you that the look and the photos don’t matter...
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Dedicated June 2020
Margaret · on June 11, 2019 at 8:31 AM
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I'm glad that you're aware of how she's deflecting and taking zero responsibility. I'm sorry that she made these decisions and clearly didn't take you or the commitment she made into account. I wouldn't even try to explain it to her. Just tell her to enjoy her trip and that it's not necessary for her to be there. I wouldn't write her off completely as she must've been a good friend if you asked her to be in wedding. Decide what you want to do moving forward with her after the wedding. Don't engage in arguments with her, no stress needed.
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Dedicated September 2019
Jessica · on June 11, 2019 at 8:39 AM
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How far is the trip? Flights/Trains/Buses get delayed all the time, people get stuck in traffic, crazy weather could cause cancellations. I would simply say it's not out of ill will, but that logistically there's too many factors that would stress you and FH out.
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Just Said Yes September 2019
Kaeleigh · on June 11, 2019 at 8:46 AM
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It’s three and a half hours away, and I’ve personally traveled with this bridesmaid before, she takes her time and even stops at other places even when she knows there’s a deadline.
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Devoted June 2020
Sarah · on June 11, 2019 at 9:04 AM
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The week after Labor Day is irrelevant... Hell, even if it was the Saturday of Labor Day weekend, or July 4th, or Memorial Day, or Christmas.... It doesn't matter.
The bridesmaid in question agreed to the date and then just under three months away flaked out and booked a trip for the wedding weekend. It isn't like the trip was planned first. If she had a problem with the date, she should have said something to the bride earlier on and saved her the pain of booking hair, make-up, shoes, and the dress.
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Master May 2019
Chandra · on June 11, 2019 at 9:11 AM
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I'm usually team think carefully before kicking out bridesmaids but holy crap. Kick that girl to the curb, revoke any invite and get her out of your life! Booking a trip the day before and part of your wedding day when she knew the dates is wrong on so many levels.
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Expert May 2021
Jaime · on June 11, 2019 at 9:12 AM
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I agree it is pretty rude of the bridesmaid to book this trip when she agreed to be part of the wedding party. I'm not planning on expecting very much out of my bridesmaids, but being present for the wedding festivities I think goes without saying. She is being super defensive, likely because she knows she screwed up big time and is trying to pin the blame on you. I'm not often on team "kick out the bridesmaid," but in this instance it seems like it might be best to ask her to be a guest given her travel schedule. I just don't see any way she is going to come back from a trip on the wedding day and be ready to be part of the wedding party.
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Dedicated September 2024
· on June 11, 2019 at 9:14 AM
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It's your wedding at the end of the day. If she feels that her trip is more important than your rehearsal dinner than she should be out of the wedding. You are not a bridezilla for choosing to do this. It is NOT your fault. She is trying to manipulate you in order to get her way, and personally, I would cut her off completely. You don't need that kind of person in your life at all, but ESPECIALLY not at your wedding. This is your day and if those you chose as Bridesmaids think them not being present for any part of event or preparation for the wedding without a valid excuse (like a medical or family emergency) then they should not have the honor of being your bridesmaid. Best of luck to you, congratulations on being so close to thwedding, and remember; THIS IS NOT. YOUR. FAULT. AT. ALL.
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VIP September 2019
Melissa · on June 11, 2019 at 9:20 AM
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You are definitely not in the wrong at all. As a bridesmaid she knew the date and still booked a trip which was super irresponsible of her if she really wanted to be in the wedding. And a bride
inviting 5 other people is absolutely insane. Rehearsal I can understand not making, but photos are something she should be there for. If I was traveling back from a trip to a wedding, I for sure would not want to go directly to the wedding. I would be exhausted. I’d also be concerned about travel delays, flights, traffic and whatnot. I think you have every right to ask her to step down. As for the guests, I hope she fully understands that her extra friends are not welcome.
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Just Said Yes May 2021
Samantha · on June 11, 2019 at 9:28 AM
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It's your wedding! End of story! If she really cared she wouldn't have booked a trip like that, and the way she responded makes it obvious she doesnt care about YOUR special day.
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Dedicated September 2019
Jessica · on June 11, 2019 at 9:35 AM
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Oh heck no! Not even out of spite, just logistically that's not going to work. And then also, clearly your wedding isn't a priority to her, I wouldn't want someone like that in my party, only have people in there that would never in a million years do that to you. You deserve better.
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Master October 2019
Jolie · on June 11, 2019 at 9:37 AM
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I probably wouldn't even pay her dress back to her. She doesn't seem like a friend at all to you and the fact that she sees this as a non-issue is beyond me. I have to agree with everyone else that she shouldn't be in your wedding. You will forever remember her as that girl who didn't care about your day as a friend. Missing pictures?? I'd say alright you can miss pictures and everything else. Seeing as you already paid for her hair and makeup (which maybe you can cry about it to the vendor to try to get your money back for her portion) you shouldn't pay her back the $60 for her dress. Call it even, kick her to the curb, and I wouldn't be friends with someone like that either!
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Expert June 2019
MrsJohansson · on June 11, 2019 at 9:49 AM
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Bye bye bye...

People base priorities on what they care about. Your day is not a priority and honestly, it comes off like she has little respect for you as a friend and a person.

Do you still want her at the wedding at all?
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Devoted September 2019
Farrah · on June 11, 2019 at 10:02 AM
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Why on earth would someone that’s IN the wedding, plan a trip literally the day of. that’s really mind blowing to me and I would not be okay with us. I say tell her if her trip is so important, then she needs to step out of the wedding.
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Dedicated August 2018
Sarah Katreen · on June 11, 2019 at 10:21 AM
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I would look at your relationship with this woman assuming she is a friend. Is this behavior in character or out of character for her? Is she otherwise a genuine, compassionate friend? Would you mind if she was no longer in your life? If she is otherwise a loving person, have a heart-to-heart chat. If she is not a kind person and you don't see being friends with her afterward, then take the high road and kindly release her. If she is a relative who will stay in your life, let her know that you would like her hair and makeup to be done when she gets there and just accept she will not be in some of the photos.
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Devoted June 2019
Mrs.V2Be · on June 11, 2019 at 10:23 AM
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Ha- this! My luck I would ask her to refrain from coming and she would crash with all of these friends and make a scene.
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Savvy December 2015
Woman On The Go · on June 11, 2019 at 10:28 AM
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I usually try to be as kind as possible, but she's trying to deflect and provoke you. Whether that's from her own insecurities or what, I don't know. If she's complaining about the money she's spent, I'd pay to get the dress back and reimburse whatever other expenses she's paid, stop responding to her, and hope she cools off and apologizes.
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Master October 2020
Mandi · on June 11, 2019 at 10:28 AM
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When I was in my best friends wedding, I was also signed up for a study abroad trip.
It didn't ever occur to me that they might coincide.
I was beyond relieved when I learned we were leaving the day after the wedding, but still felt so guilty that I was leaving the country 4 hours after the reception ended.
The fact that she has no guilt here is super odd.
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Super August 2022
Lynne · on June 11, 2019 at 10:28 AM
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I would cut her out. That was very rude of her to do that to you.
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Dedicated September 2019
Vicki · on June 11, 2019 at 10:38 AM
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With everyone else on this one... I would offer to buy the dress back from her, just so she can't make a scene. I would also reach out to your other bridesmaids ASAP and let them know that she is no longer in the wedding party and why. If she tries to make a big deal about it to them, hopefully they will defend you! I have a bridesmaid who cant make the rehearsal due to her travel schedule but she was upfront about that from day 1 and all that matters is that she's there on the day (and she's been clear that she will be there as early as I need her to be)!
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