Flakey Friend

Maybe something is going on that she isn't comfortable discussing with a group of people. Have you tried messaging her individually rather than in a group message?

Reach out to her personally and not through a group chat.

Hi Ashley, if I had to guess, she may be worried about covid and torn on being there for you and the whole covid situation. We experienced a lot of unusual silence leading up as people are trying to decide. One of my bridesmaids was concerned (totally understandable) and I called her just to let her know if she was not able to come due to covid, it would not end our friendship and I would totally understand. I would reach out via phone and start with “hey these are the precautions we have in place and just wanted all the bridesmaids to be aware” and this may open the conversation. Good luck ❤️

I would reach out to her directly - maybe a phone call or ask her to meet up in person? - and ask her how she's doing. Mention that you haven't heard from her about her dress, and that you're wondering if she was able to get that taken care of? Or you could mention that she hasn't been responsive in the group chat, and that you just wanted to check in and see if everything is OK. Is her sister still planning on doing hair/makeup? If so, check in with her sister directly to make sure she's still good to do that. As a side note, if you don't already have a contract with her sister, I would put one together. It's possible that she's worried about COVID. I would definitely reach out to her separately from the group chat to make sure everything is OK.

That’s the thing, a few months ago I reached out to her just asking how she is doing and whatnot and she never responded back to me. And I found out that she never responded to our friend (she’s also a bridesmaid) when she tried talking to her. The three of us were all very close and now that’s not the case.


I know she is dating a new guy who doesn’t seem to be that great of a person, so I don’t know if that has anything to do with it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I just don’t know how to word the conversation to reach out to her about the wedding.

View Quoted Comment I think leaving the wedding out of the conversation is the most important part. Be a friend first and a bride second. "Hey, haven't heard from you recently, I'm worried about you, is everything okay?" Direct, not group. It's been a few months since you said you reached out so try again. Assure her you're reaching out to her about her, not about your wedding, and mean it.

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"Hey I just wanted to check in on you since we haven't spoken in awhile! Is everything ok? I'm worried about you. Let's connect soon - I miss you! " Don't mention the wedding at all. Be her friend first and find out what's going on (if anything). Life is hard right now for a lot of people, whether they share it or not.

View Quoted Comment Agree with this

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So reach out to her again. As a friend, not related to your wedding. Check in with her as a friend from whom you haven't heard in a while so you're a little concerned about her. Don't bring up your wedding, just find out how she's doing. After you reestablish connection, then you can ask about your wedding. But be a friend first, a bride second.

Ok, I reached out again. Just asked how things were going bc I haven’t heard from her. No response yet and that was 3 hours ago 🥺

Have you you also reached out to her sister to see if she is going through anything?

Chances ate it’s not about you or the wedding. You mentioned a not great boyfriend.
So prepare for things like - her saying it’s too expensive, she’s too busy, weddings are stupid. It won’t be her, it will he him. If he’s new and abusive, right now is when he’s working on separating her from her friends. He’s telling her you don’t like her, you make fun of her, you just asked her out of pity, that you picked a dress to make her look fat, that you are a bridezilla...the list goes on.

Is she not answering the phone for days? Don't depend on messages, try to talk with her. Most likely the issue is not with you.

Don't mention the wedding reach out and say Hey I haven't heard from you in awhile how are you doing would you like to go grab a bite to eat and talk about life, DO NOT mention your wedding

I had a similar situation with a BM a few weeks prior to our wedding, well the entire process to be honest. This BM had been a very close friend but once I got engaged she started changing, she immediately also got engaged and then planned her wedding to be a few months before ours (no big deal). However, even before the pandemic hit she was slow to respond to things like ordering her dress or communications with MOH/BM group about planning things like Bridal Shower/Bachelorette party. The pandemic hit and she went off the deep end of shutting us all out, we even dropped off a bag of goodies and wine to her house on her original wedding day to cheer her up and she later said she hated it because it reminded her of what was supposed to be happening. Fast forward to November and she did attend my local bachelorette party but was keen to make scenes and turn the moment into hers any chance she had, it was to the point that my Man of Honor took her home to her husband because she became hysterical over non-related issues. I had been reaching out to her for months about getting together even virtually for coffee and a chat but she declined multiple times and then after her breakdown at my party I reached out again for her to chat and get things off her chest. She ignored all my messages and when it came down to attending our wedding I had to literally DM her on Instagram where she told me she was going to wait until the MORNING OF THE WEDDING (we live in VA wedding was 6 hours away in NC) to see if she was ok with attending/participating. Yes she was planning on basically ghosting our wedding as a member of the wedding party. It was at that point I had to politely ask her to step down from her BM position as it seemed she was not in a good place in her own life and I honestly didn't want our wedding day to become an outlet of emotions for her to display as she had at Bachelorette party. It was the best and most difficult decision I had to make but honestly it was a huge relief. I have still worked on trying to talk to her and reconnect but she has placed herself out of reach. I guess what I am saying is if she is unwilling to even connect with you as a friend and is shutting you out of her life even after attempts to connect and help, I would go ahead and ask her to step down sooner rather than later and spare yourself the additional stress and re-organization of wedding party/planning closer to wedding day. Additionally, I agree with not mentioning wedding things to her in the communications, I did not bring them up to this BM until it was about whether she was even attending or not but that was the only wedding communications we had, the rest of my attempts had been just wanting to know how she was doing or what I could do for her.

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Agree with you, Samantha. The stressors of a relationship, whether a good or a bad one, but especially if this person she is with has a reputation for not being the greatest, could be at play here.

Having been the person in the bad (former) relationship situation, it would've helped to just have someone reach out directly, rather than text and assume the worst. Give her a call at a time where you know she typically may be available, like during a lunch break or on the weekend if she works a "9-5" type office job. If she doesn't like to talk on the phone, try a video chat, a handwritten note or an email.

Ugh I hate that you are having to deal with this nonsense. It is said that if you want to know how someone really feels get engaged, plan a wedding, or have a baby. Actions do not lie. If I were you, I would look at the actions for what it is. She is telling you with her actions that she does not with to be a part of your wedding.

I suggest changing your plans of including her. Send her a private message telling her that you do not appreciate her actions as of late and in order to move forward peacefully without the unnecessary stress, she is no longer invited to the wedding.

Big hugs to you!

Thank you all for the help!! I really do appreciate it and I agree with everything that everyone has said. I reached out to her, simply saying hello.. how are you etc. She responded back a day later and said “ Hi I’m okay. Just trying to survive. I love you, sorry I haven’t been the best friend. Just was in a nice fat pile of depression. Thanks for checking. “ I responded back saying that I love her too and I know it’s a crazy world but everything will be ok and so on. No response after that. Now, I recently had to inform everyone that we had a different BM back out due to COVID anxiety, in hope that it would hint at the other BM to come out and say something but she never did. So now I really don’t know what to think. Side note, I’m super anxious and awkward dealing with this stuff so even if I were to tell her I don’t want her in the wedding (in the nicest way possible) I’d probably have an anxiety attack 🥺

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For sure this an anxiety worthy situation. I struggle with manic depression and sometimes, as much as we may not want, we need to show up for life. Especially if we are being depended on. I hope this is resolved promptly, being that your nuptials are coming up rather soon.