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Savvy December 2021

Firing my brother?

alexandra, on October 16, 2021 at 9:27 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 9

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Okay so I know this sounds bad, but hear me out. My brother and I have always had a strained relationship. We never speak unless our mom forces us into a room together, and even then it’s barely civil. Out of respect for my mom and her wishes, we asked my brother to be in the wedding party as a groomsman. Now, he is completely ignoring all of FH’s brother (and best man)’s attempts to contact him about the bachelor party. When I questioned my mom about it, she said he wasn’t interest in golfing and going to the bars. I told her that he could at least be courteous to my future BIL by saying he won’t be attending. But he refuses to do that. I complained to my mom that if he was going to be a miserable ass then he didn’t have to be in the wedding. She said she conveyed that message as nicely as she could but he didn’t respond. He still hasn’t acknowledged any attempts to include him in bachelor party things or acknowledge that he got my message about the tux fittings. My fiancé is getting sick of it and wants my brother out. Honestly, I never wanted him in, but we included him out of respect for my mom. Would it be horrible if we told him to just forget about it?? The only reason I am hesitating is because I don’t know if it will do any damage to my relationship with mom because she’s trying to get him involved and might say I didn’t give him enough of a chance. Our wedding is in 2 MONTHS. If we need a replacement groomsman, we need to know what my brother is thinking ASAP or force him out altogether. HELP!

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9 Comments

Latest activity by alexandra, on October 19, 2021 at 10:43 AM

Super May 2021
Stacey · on October 16, 2021 at 9:41 PM
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He isn’t required to go to the bachelor party (and you’ve been told he doesn’t want to), so let go of that right away. Completely agree he should have the courtesy to respond, but he didn’t so stop asking him about it. In terms of being a groomsman, it might be a better idea to put the ball in his court and say something like, “Hey, we’re getting closer to the wedding and just want to make sure you’re up for being a groomsman. If not, we totally understand and it’s no worries at all.” Don’t do this over text. Based on what you’ve described, you don’t want him in your wedding party, and he doesn’t want to be in it either. Everyone is doing this to make mom happy. It sounds like she needs to let go of the idea that her two children are tight knit - this is your wedding and as much as she might dream about her kids being close, that seems pretty far from reality and she’s making you both miserable. Give him an open door to say he’s out, and have a candid conversation with your mom about her misplaced expectations.
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Super July 2020
Cool · on October 16, 2021 at 9:42 PM
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Cut your mom out of the conversation and talk directly with your brother. Ask him straight up if he *wants* to be in the bridal party. Based on the relationship you described, it sounds like your mom forced this and there’s a good chance he doesn’t want to participate as much as you don’t want him to. Be courteous and explain you’d love to have him but want him but totally understand if he wants to celebrate with you as just a guest.
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Super March 2022
Candace · on October 16, 2021 at 10:04 PM
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I think you should stop going through your mom. This has to be stressing her out too! And really it's not her responsibility. Your brother is an adult and even though he's acting like a jerk by not responding, he's not really under any obligation except to show up with the proper tux. Regarding that though, I would definitely call him or talk to him in person. Give him a deadline for getting the tux fitted, like soon. And if he doesn't, you can cordially inform him that he didn't make the deadline and you had to find someone else.
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Rockstar December 2022
Michelle · on October 17, 2021 at 2:53 AM
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Your wedding, your decision. This is not something your mom has no business pressuring you to do. She already got married and she has no say in yours. If you are not super close to someone, you don’t ask them to stand up with you. Set and maintain boundaries with consequences because mom will pressure you and dictate other things in the future if you don’t shut this down now. Talk to brother directly and limit your contact with mom and do not discuss the wedding with her because this is toxic behavior on her part.
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Dedicated April 2022
Frankie · on October 17, 2021 at 3:31 AM
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". Out of respect for my mom" doesn't mean you have to do things her way. Are you an adult or still a teen who can't make her own decisions?
I agree with Michelle's reply.
Oh, may I add... asking him to be a groomsman is not of mom's business but it's none of yours either, your groom alone gets to pick his guys. He didn't ask him in the first place for a reason and everyone should respect this, including the bride. I'm sure you wouln't want to be told who to include by your side, would you?
The fact the bro is acting like a childish jerk is one more reason why asking people in order to please mom,dad,uncle David, aunt Vanessa or grandma is the worst thing to do. Based on how he acted so far, I'm 100000% sure he will turn the big day into a nightmare, and during the 2 remaining months of planning.
Please: do yourself a favor and fire him unless having 1 millions drama stories to deal with is something ou trully want . Do it for you AAAAAAANNNNDDDDD for your fiancé. Once again: is it your wedding or mom's? Seriously ...
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Expert December 2021
Samantha · on October 17, 2021 at 4:18 PM
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Replace him. Yall didn't want him in the bridal party anyway. Your mom needs to face facts and realize yall don't have the sibling relationship she wants. Don't do what mommy wants or you'll regret it and end up having a bad time at your wedding. Cut him out, replace him, and have a great time with your FH and the rest of your family!
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Rockstar November 2054
Jacks · on October 17, 2021 at 9:30 PM
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You shouldn’t be replacing him, even if he drops out. The “second choice” person will know they are second choice. People aren’t chess pieces,
Your brother doesn’t have to attend the bachelor party. I think asking him to please your mom was a mistake. A bigger one would be “firing” him when he hasn’t done anything wrong.
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Devoted April 2023
Peyton · on October 19, 2021 at 12:28 AM
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Your brother does not want to be in the wedding. Cut him loose. He will not be sad and neither will you or your FH. Good luck!
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Savvy December 2021
alexandra · on October 19, 2021 at 10:43 AM
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Thank you, everyone, for your input. FH reached out to my brother and was upfront with him - if you’re not comfortable, we won’t be upset if you don’t want to do this, we just need to know so we can make other arrangements. My brother then sent a group chat to both of us saying it was not an easy decision but he would like to bow out. It made me so happy to settle this ourselves in a civil manner. We offered him other roles that are less involved such as an usher or helping decorate or put things together, but emphasized if he wants to be completely out of it that’s fine.
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