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Fired as moh

Karla, on July 1, 2022 at 11:18 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 11
So I was asked to be MOH for my best friends wedding. I live out of state while her and most of the other bridesmaids live close together. I planned a Bach party on a destination beach in florida but the planning process was extremely stressful. I tried to get the other bridesmaids to help but they said since I was MOH I was in charge of paying for decor and all party favors. They all stopped replying to my stuff so I just started booking things. About 3 weeks out they started telling me to change plans and reservation times and the bride agreed with their recs which added in to stress. The weekend overall was more chaotic than planned due to bad weather and me trying to change plans, and girls running over an hour late to reservations and activities. I also spent 3 hours decorating and arranging things by myself while everyone else had fun. The bride at one point got upset because she thought I was being too type A and causing stress while trying to remind the girls on a dinner reservation time. A few weeks after the bride calls and says that because of how stressed I was at the Bach party she thinks I will have more fun at her wedding if I wasn’t her MOH and I would be my “best self” if I was a bridesmaid. This has been very hurtful since the most stressful part of being MOH is over and things that made the Bach stressful were caused by outside influences. I am wondering if I should still be in the wedding or not


Latest activity by Elly, on July 15, 2022 at 8:17 PM
  • Jm Sunshine
    Jm Sunshine ·
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    You sound like such a sweet and supportive friend trying to make your friend's Bach super special. I really have no advice other than saying you are being poorly treated and under appreciated. I personally am not even sure I would want to attend wedding after all that.
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  • Bird
    Expert June 2021
    Bird ·
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    This sounds like the bride committed a MAJOR faux pas. She most likely doesn’t realize how hurtful she’s being. I would try to give her some grace though because this wedding planning stuff is very confusing and there are so many unwritten rules. I’m 99% sure she would never want to intentionally hurt you.

    Some options could be to let her know how the bridesmaids treated you and why you seemed type A and stressed in a letter or email... this way she has time to absorb it and not have to respond right away.

    The other option is to say ok I’ll be a bridesmaid, no problem. And go woth the flow. Maybe in a few months you could tell her how the whole Bach Party and MOh thing irked you.

    Or you could say you won’t be a bridesmaid at all and just attend as a guest or not attend at all? But then your friendship might be in jeopardy.

    Good luck in whatever you decide. Sorry you’re going through this.

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  • Imani
    Rockstar July 2022
    Imani ·
    • Flag
    Wow! So sorry you went through all of that. I completely understand you being hurt by all of their actions. In all honestly, I wouldn’t even want to be in the wedding anymore. You’ve went above and beyond. I don’t even think being a guest is a good idea either.
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  • Cathy
    Dedicated September 2022
    Cathy ·
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    Maybe it would be better to be a bridesmaid? Just to be clear, she wanted you to step down from MOH & then become a bridesmaid? If so, go with it & enjoy yourself!!
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  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
    • Flag
    This is so insulting. I don't know if she thought she was alleviating a burden on you, but "demoting" a MoH to bridesmaid is typically a symbolic move that says I'm stripping you of an honor. Surely she is not that dense.

    She could have just said, thank you for your effort, don't worry about any more party planning
    • Reply
  • Tia
    Beginner October 2029
    Tia ·
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    The way I am, all of this I did for her, I wouldnt show up and I’m not talking her either. You’re gonna feel my absence. I’m not gonna say anything until you ask me what happened. People oftentimes know what they are doing or what’s going on but pretend not to. They have disrespected you to no end, and the bride is acting oblivious. Let’s call a spade a spade, they all did that on purpose. I feel like they used you and I’m so sorry for that. And the demotion part, I never accepted a demotion in my job so why would I in my personal life with close people? Just know you did your due diligence and wish them the best and move forward. The friendship would be pushed to the back until she can prove her loyalty to me, I’m which I don’t care either way. Do what’s best for you and listen to your feelings on this one.
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  • Jacks
    Champion November 2054
    Jacks ·
    • Flag

    That is a MAJOR major etiquette error. We get questions all the time about demoting wedding party members. The fact that someone who considered you their best friend is willing and able to spin on a dime and treat you that way says a lot about them, not you.

    Personally, I wouldn't go. That would be a hell no for me.

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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    Agree with Jacks. This bride showed her true colors and has zero respect for you. Demoting someone to fill a lesser role or none at all is a friendship ending move. Don’t attend the wedding and find new friends. You did nothing wrong, they all did and they don’t care how badly you were treated nor the bad etiquette they chose to follow.
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  • Orianna
    Devoted December 2022
    Orianna ·
    • Flag

    I'm going to second Jacks and Michelle. Not only all of that but she did it after you already spent all the time and money on her bachelorette party. It sounds like you put in a lot of work and money and effort to making sure she had a great weekend without any input at all from the other members of the wedding party despite asking. Type As don't ask. They just take on the burden themselves and do it. You specifically asked and they were awful about it.

    It's going to be up to you regarding if you still want to be friends with her and even go to her wedding, but to me that is such a jerk move from her. You deserve a lot better than the way she is treating you.

    • Reply
  • I
    Beginner October 2022
    Is ·
    • Flag

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. That's a really inappropriate and unkind thing of her to do (especially since a big part of the MOH role is planning that- now the new one just does nothing?). I think it's a two way street- do you still want to be friends with a person like this? Because doesn't sound like a friend you deserve (you deserve much better). You know her best though- if you still value your friendship and think there's something salvageable (and maybe this wedding planning has brought out her worst side and you know her to be better), I would personally try to discuss it with her expressing your feelings (just because she is the bride doesn't mean she gets to treat people like that- she still needs to respect her friends and the people that she loves). But I'm also a person who always confronts when there's an issue (I can't just pretend it's all good when it's not!). It's really up to you though and what you want to do personally. It sounds like she doesn't value people, especially those she loves, so in all honesty and as hard as this is, you might have to let the friendship go. You deserve to be treated so much better.

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  • E
    Devoted August 2023
    Elly ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    I am right there with you on this one!
    Personally, the other bridesmaids sound cliquish and catty. If the bride thought someone was being too "Type A" she probably isn't planning the majority of her wedding...yet. The only thing I can say from a neutral standpoint is that I don't know how the initial messages or communications were between the other bridesmaids and the bride. If someone felt offended or taken aback, this would have been the time to speak up or extend an olive branch in terms of communication. It would have been one thing if the bride said, "Hey Karla, I've been meaning to speak with you about how things have been going between us/the other bridesmaids".

    Either way, for the bridesmaids to stonewall you like that when you asked for suggestions is rude. Unless this was going to be a simple lunch/dinner meet and greet at a restaurant with no decorations and favors, plans can be changed within three weeks. It's not easy to change gears that quickly. For that matter, if asking for an attendance count is too stressful now , how do they think its going to be to get a final guest count for the wedding?

    It is pretty obvious that in the weeks that followed, the bride was being persuaded by others. No one, and I mean NO ONE buys the whole, "I think you'd be your best self if you stepped down". This is an excuse given to kids. It also strikes me as gaslighting:

    If you "accept" the other bridesmaids and the bride get to go on their merry way, not acknowledge your feelings or the wrong they did.

    If you decline, they get to fall back on the excuse of, "Oh, I told her that she seemed stressed and she could step down and _____ could take the load off of her shoulders".

    And I completely agree with the points:
    -"I never accepted a demotion in a job, why should I accept one in my personal life?"
    -Make them feel my absence.
    Spot on.

    You need better friends and support. I am so, so sorry they turned you out. I would not contact the bride unless she wanted to speak to you in person. And even then, it is up to you if you want to maintain the "friendship".

    If this came up, I would just say, "I felt taken aback that after much planning and weeks had passed you would tell me that I would be my best self if I stepped down. I gave you my best efforts at all times which is what a MOH is supposed to do for her friend. I just wish you cared enough about my feelings to talk to be before things got this bad so we could have had a chance to smooth things over. Now I feel as if I am being cornered in a situation where I will be looked down on, disrespected and can't save face."

    It's up to you to attend, but I personally would not. To me the friendship is gone.

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