Financial Frustrations

Financial issues can play a huge role in marriages. I would see a counselor if you can afford it (I know it's another cost) and figure out how to deal with this together. Or Google ways to confront this and deal with it together. I think over time this will only bother you more, unless you're on the same page.

You don't want to go into a marriage without thoroughly discussing a financial plan. Sit down and talk to him about financial goals that you both have, and the best way to divide the expenses. Talking about money is important, if that isn't a conversation you can have on your own then do it with a counselor. Good luck!

I strongly agree you need to thoroughly talk through your financial and other concerns (e.g., his health issues, etc.) with some kind of counselor. If you belong to a church, there may be resources there, or in your community (they may charge on a sliding scale). Perhaps the therapist he's seeing for his PTSD can help and/or recommend someone? If he's a Veteran, he might have access to resources through the VA. There are also great resources available in print (free, through your local library?), like any of the Dave Ramsey books about budgeting and financial planning. These are CRITICAL concerns that won't be easier to talk about after the wedding -- you need to talk this all through prior to the wedding. Honestly, after you talk things through, you might agree that his suggestion to postpone the wedding while you both work on gaining a stronger financial foundation could be a wise move. Good luck to you!

EDIT: Also, another resource organization you might reach out to is NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness -- his PTSD & depression fall under their services). All their services are FREE. They have an excellent national website and chapters in every state that offer free face-to-face classes and services. I highly recommend them.

Finances are often the major stressor in any relationship and it’s worth sorting out before you get married. It will only get worse.

Have you sent out invites and save the dates? I’ll be perfectly honest with you it doesn’t seem like you are in a good position to host a wedding. I understand wanting to get married and if that’s super important to you I’d have a ceremony and forgo the expense of a reception. If it’s that important to have a reception then I’d put the wedding off untill your finances are more stable. Or decide on a reception that’s much more affordable.

I'm in a sort of similar situation. Our wedding budget is around $7k right now. I'm in graduate school full-time and working full-time, and fiance is in the first year of his professional career. Like you, I've put aside my tax return for the wedding and I try to save the same amount every month. Its rough. We've had to sacrifice a lot of things and there are still ways we could be saving (namely, going out to eat).

I would encourage you to set up a time with a marriage counselor and/or a financial counselor and go over your long-term goals. Having a plan in place really does make things feel better, especially from a professional. And there are more & more large purchases to come later in life after the wedding, it's best to get a handle on things now, while you still can. As others have said, you may want to put off the ceremony. Have invites gone out? You could have a small ceremony and just go out to dinner afterwards.

The majority of the wedding is paid for. All I need is one more cake payment, beer and wine, and our catering total, and my dress alterations. Other than that, it's minor decorations and gifts for our bridal party. The invitations have gone out, and mostly everything is set in stone. I have some vendors that have a 0 return policy, especially after being paid months ago. We have a lot of people traveling who have already booked their hotels and taken off for that weekend. We are looking into marriage counseling, as this may help some of the stress level. I think it would be harder to have everyone else have to cancel their plans than it would be to continue. I plan on continuing with marriage counseling into our marriage, to make sure we are still on the right track and hopefully handle issues better when they do arise. Thank you for the advice and the references into counseling and financial planning!

I agree with everyone else's comments and advice about thoroughly discussing finances before you get married. The one thing i want to add is you mention you are contributing more. I am of the belief that in a relationship it is our money. As far as earning and contributing it may not be equal. A teacher marrying a doctor will not be able to contribute in the same way financially. However, you definitely should be on the same page with spending and how much you want to put away together. If one of you is trying to save while the other is spending too much, that doesn't work well. I hope everything turns around for you!