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Dedicated July 2019

Fighting with family over wedding?

Marisa, on August 18, 2018 at 10:43 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 14
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Anyone else fighting with family over wedding stuff? And how are you handling it? I’m stressed out and tired of my mother being so negative with a lot of my ideas and especially with her throwing it in my face that “she has a say because she’s paying for it.” While it’s nice that she’s helping us to pay for it, we don’t need her money and I’ve already paid all my deposits without asking her for money because I don’t want her negativity. Multiple times I’ve told her that this day really is all about me (and my fiancé of course) and that I’m doing what I want. At first I welcomed her advice but after her being negative with most of what I said I’ve stopped - she turns my excitement into stress. We are going to look at a bridal shower venue next weekend and before even hearing what I wanted for it she told me she didn’t like the venue and the theme and she actually made fun of it saying that she’s going to be embarrassed ... (an old country club with a Beauty and the Beast theme - she was the one who told me I needed a theme and is telling me to use Love is Sweet which I told her everyone uses and no). The fact that I’m going to look at this venue with her is giving me such anxiety. I really don’t want her opinions and want what I want. She also feels like because she is paying for the bridal shower she should have full control and I explained to her I’m giving her ideas because otherwise she will make it like her which I’m nothing like. I’m honestly to the point where if she gives me crap again telling me I can’t have what I want and holding her paying over me I’m about to tell her I’m paying for 100% of it and she does not have to come. I almost thought about not even having a bridal shower because the planning with her has been so stressful but I do want to celebrate with the ladies. My future MIL also mentioned that she never heard of this country club before which is around the corner from her house and that if it was good she would have heard of it .. I explained it’s an old military country club that was only open to the army base. Since the bar closed a few years ago, they opened it to the public. My dad worked at the base and used to always go to this country club for events and he loves it. I can’t be rude to my FMIL who I’m sure will also have a fit with the theme. She does not seem to like the idea that it’s old. How do I nicely tell my further MIL that this is what I want and this is what it’s going to be? Any advice is appreciated!

Fighting with family over wedding? 1

14 Comments

Latest activity by Cheryl&rock, on August 20, 2018 at 4:52 PM
  • needmorewine
    Expert May 2016
    needmorewine ·
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    You should take a step back from planning the shower. Your mother is correct in that if she is paying for the shower then she should have full control of the planning. You should not be involved in the planning other than giving a guest list within the number of people the person hosting has agreed to host. It does not look good for the guest of honor to be planning their own gift giving event.

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  • Laura
    VIP November 2019
    Laura ·
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    Why does a bridal shower need a theme?
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  • M
    Dedicated July 2019
    Marisa ·
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    Thanks. I’m more so giving her ideas now. She will turn it into something that is very much her style and I will end up being upset. I want to have a memorable bridal shower that is unique to my likes. I don’t need her to plan it or pay. I could give my MOH the money and she could but she has two young kids and a lot on her plate so I don’t want to have her to go through the trouble. My cousion gave her mom (my mom’s sister) ideas for what wanted and did not want for her shower and my aunt was very stern about doing exactly what she wanted .. her shower was very much her and she loved it. My mother will turn it into something that’s not like me and what I like. And the wedding is also a gift giving event and we all plan those ourselves.
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  • G
    Devoted September 2019
    Gell ·
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    In the case of the shower, it is not the place of the bride to make decisions in the planning. This is the sole prerogative of the host. Your Mom certainly can ask for your input but she is not obliged to.

    Nor should you be threatening to pay for and plan your shower on your own. People don't plan or host gift giving events in their own honor.

    As far as the wedding is concerned, if you are paying for it, just stop sharing with your Mom. Tell her you want her to be surprised, like everyone else.

    ps you do have options if you are not happy that standard etiquette sys you should not be involved in planning the shower- don't have one.

    pps weddings aren't actually gift giving events. Although most people do give a gift, there is no requirement to do so as there is with a shower.

    You can easily find the etiquette around these wedding events online.


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  • M
    Dedicated July 2019
    Marisa ·
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    I don’t think it does but my mother says it does so I came up with one to try to make her happy and she hates it. my cousins was just kind of rustic without a theme. First I came up with a nautical theme having a sunset cruise on a yacht and she turned that down first because it being over at 8pm would be “too late for people” in so how would they stay awake for our wedding that ends at 11? Lol. Now I came up with this other theme since it’s my favorite movie and play and my wedding won’t be princess like at all . My future MIL is also saying the style of the shower should match the style of the wedding which I don’t agree with and think should be whatever the couple wants. Since my wedding is beach and chic, I want antique tea party like for my bridal shower
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  • FutureMrs.L
    Master September 2018
    FutureMrs.L ·
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    I have no idea what's going on with my bridal shower other than the guest list, and date... Other than that, I haven't been involved at all. I don't need to be.

    If your mom is paying for your shower, she does have a say, especially if she's hosting it. You shouldn't be hosting or even planning your own shower. I didn't even think I was getting a bridal shower until my dad, and his girlfriend sat me down ad asked about dates i'm free. She and my MOH are throwing it together for me. It's their show, they decisions on such in regards to planning it.

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  • M
    Dedicated July 2019
    Marisa ·
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    I’m sure they will consider your likes and dislikes. My issue is that my mom won’t. It will end up being something she would throw for herself.
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  • needmorewine
    Expert May 2016
    needmorewine ·
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    If the shower she wants to plan for you isn't good enough, then you always have the option of declining and not having a shower at all. Showers aren't required or necessary anyway. Making a bunch of demands about an optional party someone else has offered to throw in your honor comes across as really ungrateful.

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  • C
    Master July 2018
    Cuoghi ·
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    My thoughts after reading your post

    - My mom was a major pain in my side similar to yours. Everything was negative, so after a few attempts at me trying to include her in planning and her being mean or nasty, I stopped talking to her about any wedding details. Basically I planned everything without telling her about it and it was much better. Come wedding time it was a big surprise for her, she got to be a guest, and she enjoyed herself and said I did a great job. (She and dad also paid) Was it sad to not have her involved? A little. But it wasn't worth the stress and emotional toll to put up with her.
    -The day isnt about you. The wedding ceremony is about you and your fiance. When you invite people and have a reception, it actually becomes about them. Weddings arent fairytales, brides arent princesses, a wedding is a day to make a legal vow to someone else and celebrate that.
    -Don't plan your own bridal shower. Just provide z guest list and show up. Let whomever is planning it do whatever they want to do. It is not your party to host. In 6 months it won't matter where it was, who was there or what the theme was.

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  • Brittany
    Just Said Yes December 2018
    Brittany ·
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    My mom and MoH were arguing about who “had to” throw the shower. I told them both that I didn’t need anything extravagant and that if they couldn’t afford it not to throw it at all.

    I recognize it it is optional but it did hurt my feelings granted an insnanely expensive bachelorette party was planned which I am grateful for but believe was unnecessary. I feel that my MoH didn’t look at the big picture when planning the bachelorette trip financially and is now seeing the repercussions. My mother advised her that the trip was too expensive for and the bridesmaids felt pressured so the argument now is they want to host a shower for me but my mom thinks it’s ridiculous that she didn’t consider the shower budget when planning the bachelorette trip.

    Either way- I just would rather not have a party and avoid conflict. Who wants to attend an event that someone feels forced to throw for you? Not me.
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  • Nicole
    VIP November 2017
    Nicole ·
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    If she is paying then she gets a say. If you don't want her input on the wedding stuff you and your foance need to politely decline her offer of financial support and pay for it all yourself.
    You should not be helping to plan the shower. If she has offered to plan and entirely pay for the shower, she gets to plan it how she wants. If you are not happy with that you have the option to politely decline the shower. Otherwise, stop complaining and be grateful for whatever type of event she plans for it. She is spending her money and throwing you a party so you can get gifts from your family and friends. Does it really matter what the decorations are? Be thankful for whatever you are given.
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  • Teresa
    Super September 2018
    Teresa ·
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    Just my thoughts so take them as you please;

    You should not be planning your bridal shower so go ahead and let her have this one. As PP it is actually considered rude and in poor etiquette for a bride to plan a gift giving event. If you must be involved then nix the bridal shower and have a party. Do not call it a shower and request people bring no gifts. I am actually having a dip party at my house yet my MOH is planning it, only because everyone wanted to get together.

    If she is paying then she has a say. If you dont want her opinion or ideas and cannot find a way to compromise then tell her you appreciate her willingness to assist financially but at this time you be handling it all, and pay for it yourself. Whenever someone else pays then that seems to be where issues come up. My family has not had a say in anything and I have shared many ideas with them, but its 100% my money and they know that.


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  • K
    Expert September 2021
    Ka-Rina ·
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    I hate to agree with everyone on here who says that the bride shouldnt be involved in bridal shower planning... well... In normal circumstance it is kind of expected that whoever throws you as shower cares about what you like or want!!!! and arrange the celebration accordingly.. which doesnt seem to be the case here... which im very sorry for BUT id say save your energy and do not fight this fight... you will need all the strength for the wedding. if you let her do the shower exactly as she wants you will kind of have this card to play - hey mom you did everything you wanted for my shower.. it was exactly the way YOU wanted though you knew i wanted something else. well now its MY WEDDING time and please step back and let me enjoy this time. and pray it works

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  • Cheryl&rock
    VIP June 2019
    Cheryl&rock ·
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    Wow... Since your mom is paying for the shower and hosting it, you have no say. It's not your place. You really shouldn't even know right now where it will be held, theme, or anything.
    Be happy she is throwing you a shower!!
    As for the wedding, you pay, you say.
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