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Beginner August 2020

Fiance's friend is a trainwreck

Alexa, on January 29, 2020 at 7:21 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 11

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Hey there! I'd love some advice on this sticky situation.

My fiance has a friend who is, for lack of a better word, a trainwreck. When I began dating my fiance, I heard about this guy from my fiance's other friends even before I met him. Specifically, the group of friends has had an on again/off again relationship with him. He has also made a scene at each of the friends' weddings. He has either gotten way too drunk, gotten into huge arguments with his girlfriend (now wife), or did something rude like bringing his own fast food to the head table of the reception.
I tried to keep a clear mind when meeting him, but he's made us uncomfortable at every get-together. Most recently, we went to his wedding and he got aggressive with my fiance after drinking too much. We've decided we don't want him or his new wife at our wedding coming up in about 6 months. We wanted to simply drift apart from them, knowing it would save us from having an awkward conversation.
Unfortunately he has realized that he hasn't received a Save the Date and has repeatedly texted that he wanted to "go out" with my fiance to talk. We know he's going to ask about his invite and he'll probably expect one as a result of inviting us to his wedding.
Are we justified in not inviting him? How would you handle this situation?

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11 Comments

Latest activity by Casey, on January 30, 2020 at 6:21 PM

VIP May 2020
Destiny · on January 29, 2020 at 7:32 PM
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Absolutely justified in not inviting him! I would probably just ignore him and let the friendship fade away
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Dedicated July 2020
N · on January 29, 2020 at 7:39 PM
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I personally wouldn’t get involved with it. I’m in the same boat except it’s my FHs brother (so best man) so that’s kinda easier because theres no decision lol.

I will say though Only your FH should decide whether he’s interested in continuing that relationship or not. It’s not a “we” thing (in my opinion). If he doesn’t want to continue the relationship than yeah it makes sense this guy doesn’t get an invite and that’s his answer. If he does want this person to stay in his life, then you should let him have an invite if it’s clear he’s the only friend not invited.
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Beginner August 2020
Alexa · on January 29, 2020 at 7:59 PM
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Oh, I 100% agree. I told my fiance that I support his decision, whatever he decides to do.

And I think he's fine with this relationship disappearing. This guy is not a good friend. It's just the awkward part that this friend is somewhat aware that we're distancing ourselves and he's been texting frequently since we sent the Save the Dates. We were hoping he'd get the hint and drift away himself but he's done just the opposite. My fiance knows the right thing to do is to be upfront, but this guy is a loose cannon. We're actually worried he'd get aggressive again.
We were also on the fence on whether my fiance should hold that against him, seeing as he was drunk when he was last aggressive.
I feel like I'm biased because of everything I've seen and heard about this guy. That's why I wanted help from some fresh perspectives. =)
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on January 29, 2020 at 8:12 PM
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I feel that at the end of the day you two both agree this is not a healthy relationship so I do not feel this is a marriage or wedding decision rather a we need to not have this type of person in your life. I feel he should get the hint and to avoid aggression maybe your FH could just message him and just say that those invited to the wedding have already gotten save the dates and leave it at that. Do you feel he will come to your fh personally and do something?
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VIP September 2020
Willow · on January 29, 2020 at 8:17 PM
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If aggression is a real possibility, then he should not come to the wedding. Alcohol does not excuse his behavior.
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Dedicated July 2020
N · on January 29, 2020 at 8:26 PM
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Totally get it. You don’t need to apologize or explain to anyone why you’re not interested in having them in your life anymore especially with the issues you’ve had. Either way they’ll know what you mean if you just tell them sorry they’re not invited or just never respond. It’s just tricky if your FH wants to remain “friends”. In my case I had to bite my tongue about FH brother being best man and just hope he doesn’t get too drunk or cause too many scenes.

But sounds like you know what FH wants to do and that he isn’t comfortable being upfront. Sometimes ghosting a former “friend” is all you can do🤷‍♀️
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Super October 2021
Suzie · on January 29, 2020 at 8:28 PM
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Being drunk does not give him a pass. Aggressiveness is either within someone or not. You’re totally justified not inviting him. FH should have a chat with him, could be over the phone even. Honestly, if that was me, I would be upfront and say, hey you got super aggressive with me and we don’t want that behavior at our wedding. Make sure the others in the friend group don’t give him any details. You don’t want this guy crashing your day.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on January 30, 2020 at 11:00 AM
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It sounds justified. you don't have to have everyone come to your wedding and it sounds like you guys don't want to be friends with him anyway.
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Master May 2020
Kari · on January 30, 2020 at 11:59 AM
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I would definitely not invite him. It sounds like keeping him away from your wedding is a good thing, and having him drift out of your lives altogether might be good as well.

It's up to your FH whether or not he wants to maintain a friendship. If he does, then your FH needs to find a way to address the issue and should answer the texts but should not feel any pressure to invite him to the wedding. If the friendship isn't a concern, I'd say its fine for your fiance simply to say he doesn't want to meet and leave it at that or perhaps just not respond. I'm generally not a fan of ghosting, but this guy sounds a bit like a time bomb, so ignoring the guy might be a better resolution than trying to give some closure in this case.
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VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on January 30, 2020 at 2:27 PM
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You or your FH are not obligated to reciprocate a wedding invitation! I wouldn't invite someone like that to my wedding either! Stand firm in your decision!
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Super December 2021
Casey · on January 30, 2020 at 6:21 PM
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Your FH can be up front without being in person, too. If he feels bad about ghosting and wants to give this guy an explanation ( which he in no way owes him) but is afraid that he'll get violent, I think call or text would be safest.
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