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Haylie
Dedicated October 2021

Fiancé's dad inviting more guests-help!

Haylie, on April 5, 2021 at 10:19 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 11
To start off, my FH is not close with his dad at all ( or his fathers side of the family) and is more or less including him out of respect, since it’s still his dad after all.
This weekend his father sent a text to us saying “Hey give me a call when you can, I have a few more people you need to invite”, followed by the list of people, and their addresses. This didnt sit with us well seeing as we have already sent out save the dates, and Had gone through the guest list multiple times with his dad to ensure that was everyone.
His dad said he would pay for the extra guests but we don’t want that for 2 reasons: 1. We don’t want to take any of his money, as he is the type of person to hold it over our heads and we don’t want to give him any control over the wedding. 2. Yes, the extra guests would run up our expenses, but it really wasn’t about the money to us. We feel if these guests were so important, then they should’ve been on the original guest list. My FH has met some of these guests maybe once or twice when he was a kid, but other than that , has no current relationship with them; the others he has absolutely no idea who they are.
We’ve also come to learn that his dad has already verbally invited them to our wedding without speaking to us and is saying “well they probably won’t come, just send an invite and then they will send you a wedding gift.”I was always told that even if you thought that a guest wouldn’t show, you still had to intend for them to, and I don’t like the thought of sending out invites just to get a gift. We have been more than accommodating when it comes to who our parents want to invite as far as distant relatives and a few family friends, but it really bothers us that these people weren’t originally on the guest list so we don’t feel like they need to be invited.
I told my FH it was more or less his call on what to do, since it was his side of the family and I didn’t want to cross any boundaries, but his dad has started messaging me separately saying that “it’s no big deal, just send a couple more invites in the mail.” And that “I’m sure you invited whoever you wanted, why can’t I” ( It’s not “a couple” invites, it’s 10 people, and a few plus ones, and I have cut down my side of the guest list a considerable amount already to fit with our budget and who we actually want at our wedding.)

Neither of us are sure what to do! Has anyone else dealt with their parents inviting people like this ??? How did you go about it ?

11 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on April 6, 2021 at 1:59 PM
  • SLY
    Master January 2022
    SLY ·
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    Yes. FH and I have both dealt with this with our moms and they both said the same thing! "Just invite them, they won't come but send an invite to be nice".

    We just looked at the list and thought about how many of those people we actually keep in contact with, and if they'd made an effort to do the same with us. If the answer was 'no', then they were crossed off. We ended up inviting none of the extra people we were given because, like you, we had only seen these people maybe twice our entire lives, and that was when we were kids.

    I totally agree that you shouldn't accept FFIL's money because of the reasons you listed out. It's easier to just not take the money, and stick with your gut. You both make the final decision on who goes on the list, and if they don't make the cut, then they don't make the cut. Simple as that. Keep putting your foot down, and every time he brings it up, just say "We have already finalized our guest list, and are not accepting anymore entries.".

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  • A
    Expert September 2020
    Amanda ·
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    I would not invite them. It sounds like his dad is trying to appear more involved in his sons life than he actually is. He can get his invite and whatever else you already planned for and be grateful to be involved. Just let him know deposits have been paid there is no extra room for guests. If he keeps pushing, keep declining.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Then you put them on a do not invite list, with your guest list in case they call for information about why they did not get an invitation. And you write 2 lists: Dad, we were able to invite these people. And, Dad, we were unable to invite these people. It is not a matter of money. We completely filled all the spac s we have with people we know, including those on your first list. The room is full of as many as fire capacity allowed us. No more. Very civil, but very clear. No wiggle room. No, I thought you said you would try. Last line, If you invited them in person you eill have to tell them, no.
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    Your reasons for not wanting to invite all of these extra people are valid. But it doesn't sound like you will be able to come up with any reason that will convince your future father-in-law, so it's time to stop discussing this (or anything wedding related) with him. Reduce contact, end the conversation, ignore the phone calls and texts (or block him!), whatever it takes. Your decision has been made and there's no reason to let this person dictate anything about the wedding.

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  • F
    Expert April 2022
    Fred ·
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    Completely agree.

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  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    I agree that your reasons are totally valid, and I would not give in. I would also politely ask his father to direct his concerns to his son. Also, what is this "I’m sure you invited whoever you wanted, why can’t I" nonsense. Of course you did, it's YOUR wedding, not his.
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  • D
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
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    Put your foot down and be bold with him! If he doesn’t like the fact that he cannot control your wedding then maybe you should consider uninviting him as well. As much as people say “oh I will pay for the guests “they have no idea what goes into actually paying for the guests! You’re not just paying for the one meal. You’re paying for the extra chair, the extra tables, the extra invitations, the extra favors, the extra drinks if it’s open bar, the extra servers to tend to more guests, The extra thank you cards, the extra cake that needs to be made. I get so annoyed and offended when people say the whole “oh I will pay for their meals.”
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  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    Yup!
    People like that don’t listen to your reasons, they just want to convince you.
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  • Liz
    Devoted August 2021
    Liz ·
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    Had this situation last weekend with my FIL's. We had to seriously had to put our foot down and used COVID as an excuse with venue capacity for social distancing.
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  • Jennifer
    VIP August 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    I agree with the others. Put up a united front and tell FFIL that you can't accommodate any more guests, and he should have included them to begin with if they were VIP guests in his eyes. Even if he paid for them, who's to say he won't come back in a month with 5 more couples to invite?

    Also, the fact that he was pressuring you on the side is not okay and your FH should address that with his father as well.

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  • Michelle
    Champion December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Agree with this. Dad is a guest and doesn't have room to talk about inviting when he doesn't have a relationship with your fiance to begin with. Put your foot down. Keep saying no. Unfortunately people like that think your rules don't apply to them. If he doesn't like it, he has the option to stay home.

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