Fiancée and i at Impasse

Marriage, and relationships in general, is about compromise. It is important that you and your fiance sit down and figure out a budget and plan that you are both comfortable with. You will not always agree on everything, and wedding planning is a good way to learn how to negotiate with each other. I would recommend seeing a couple's counselor, especially if this situation has led you to question marriage as a whole. While weddings are wonderful and fun celebrations of your love, they are not the marriage itself.

I get you. My fh is the same. Would rather courthouse and he can't see spend a lot on one day. He's quick to want to spend money into updating our house and everything. Also he doesn't want a full wedding ceremony because he has social anxiety and just hates the idea of All Eyes being on him. I sat down with him and I made it very clear that I will not do a courthouse wedding. I told him that I want a dress and I want lovely pictures and I want a nice venue. I think you should sit down and have a conversation with your fiance in which you both compromise. Make it clear to him that you do not want a courthouse wedding and that is not how you ever Envision getting married. However even though you more so probably want the wedding then he does he still have the right to have a say as it is his day too. I think you should really research how to do weddings on a budget. There are plenty of brides that still get their special day and don't spend thousands of dollars. For example look up local country clubs and look at having a brunch or a lunch wedding. Two of my friends that got married last year did things on a very more affordable scale. What had her ceremony in a park and had all the people she was going to invite there and then afterwards she just had a reception at her Clubhouse and did party trays from our local grocery store. My other friend at her church ceremony and then afterwards and we went to a country club and our food was build a burger. We are going to have a post-nuptial ceremony in which we invite more people and for that I think I'm just going to do a pizza buffet and have some sides if I'm not spending a ton of money on food and then just go to Total Wine and have some beer and wine for the guests. Maybe before you speak to him start looking up some budget-friendly wedding ideas that you can agree to and maybe even start contacting some places just to get an idea pricing. That way you can share the information with him but also I think you two should come to an agreed-upon budget. Also in my opinion don't have any shame to say I want this so I'm going to pay for it. He doesn't see the purpose of spending a lot of money on photography but I want nice photography to look back on and I've heard the horror stories of Photography so while I'm not going to spend thousands I'm still going to pay a good photographer to have the pictures and video that I want to have.

I agree that this is just the first of MANY major decisions you'll need to make as a married couple, that initially, it may seem like you are on "opposite" sides. Actually, as pp mentioned, there is a LOT of middle ground between you to be explored regarding how you approach your wedding (e.g., explore lower budget options, push the date out to save more, shrink the guest list since that drives many of your costs, etc.). However, I'd also encourage you to seek couples counseling to help you work on some of the issues you've mentioned like your self-esteem concerns, your fiance's preferences about financial priorities, and most especially your communication related to problem solving. There is no shame in seeking help and it doesn't matter how long you've previously been together. Good luck to you!

I am so sorry about this disagreement! I understand how hard this must be for you and your fiancé. There’s always the elopement option, that will save money and only invite close family! That way it’s not a courthouse but still somewhat of a wedding

It's definitely tough when you don't agree on how to handle finances for your wedding. Would it be an option for you to do a courthouse wedding to start, and then do a 1 year vow renewal ceremony where you can invite more guests and have the day you really want? That is becoming a popular way for couples to get married and save up money for the actual big ceremony/reception. Another option would be to elope like Alexandra said, that way you can still have all the wedding details you want on a smaller scale. It sounds like you both care about each other a lot, but wedding planning and budgeting require you to be open and honest with each other. I don't think that means it is time to call off the wedding or give up on the relationship, it just means you have to look for more effective ways to communicate with each other. I also agree with PPs that it might be a good idea to see a couples counselor.

I understand disappointment but something like this should not make you question being married altogether. Frankly, I'd be more concerned if your fiance wasn't worried about the finances because committing to paying for a wedding is ALOT. You don't realize how much it costs until you actually start booking and paying for stuff. My FH wanted the big wedding and I was fine with the courthouse. This wasn't because I didn't WANT a wedding but because I didn't really want to spend $20k of my own money on one day when I could spend it on buying a house or a nice vacation. We talked and decided that this was a once in a lifetime chance and we would buckle down and save money to have the wedding. That being said, I think we both wish we had scaled it back a little bit. We let his mother overpower our guest list and now it's turned into 250 people and a lot of stress/pinching pennies. Definitely talk to your fiance and figure out what works best for you as a couple. Maybe a smaller wedding with 50 people is something he'd be open to! Then you get your day, the photos, dress, etc but you aren't putting a ton of financial strain and stress on yourselves

A wedding and a marriage are 2 different things. From your post, it sounds like you’re more focused on the wedding than actually being married. That’s interesting. But regardless, maybe compromising and having a celebration with a small amount of guests that doesn’t cost much. However, you mentioned having self-confidence issues. So will a wedding eliminate those issues? Or will a wedding increase your self confidence issues since you’ll be the center of attention that day, with all eyes looking at you? There’s also the months of trying to plan a “perfect” wedding with all the many details. So with confidence issues, a wedding actually seems like it would more stressful on your personality. Possibly your fiance is right in suggesting a courthouse wedding (to save money and also keep you feeling a lack of self-confidence in front of your guests).

My husband first wanted the quickest and cheapest wedding, but I wanted something small (but larger than what he wanted) and reminded him that while the wedding SHOULD be about you, it always winds up also being about blending families together, so in many ways it is also about families. It's nice to keep that in mind, even if it means spending more money. Maybe waiting a little longer to get married would be your best choice as a compromise (getting the wedding you want but allowing for the money to save up for your partner)?

I had to remind my husband all year last year that it would be worth it to have the medium-sized wedding (80 people versus the like 25/30 he wanted) and you know what, he'll tell you today he's so glad he did it!

To an extent I think this is normal. My FH randomly has outbursts of stress because he doesn’t communicate his feelings until they boil over. But in the end when he calms down we always come to a compromise. Give them time to cool down and revisit it in a week or so.

I think it's great that once your fiance heard how you felt about a courthouse wedding they dropped that idea entirely. You can still have a beautiful budget wedding without a courthouse style. Sit down with your fiance and separately determine the 3 most important things of the day for you (food, dress, location, dj, etc) make those 6 things a priority and cut corners with everything else that remains. The easiest way to cut costs is to cut the guest list.