Kylie
Beginner October 2022

Fiancé won’t help with wedding planning

Kylie, on November 15, 2021 at 4:34 PM Posted in Planning 0 34
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My fiancé and I are getting married October 2022. We have the venue, caterer, bartender, priest, and photographer already. I’ve been the one to search and find all these people and I’m the one who talks to all of them. My fiancé won’t get any of the things I ask of him done in the time it needs and I’m feeling overwhelmed and lost. I don’t know how to deal with it all by myself. When I talk about wedding plans, he just goes along with what I say or want and when I ask him to do something all I get is an “ok” response. It’s just like he doesn’t care at all. I wanted to elope so it’s not like I wanted to
Do all of this.

34 Comments

Latest activity by Kylie, on November 23, 2021 at 8:42 PM
  • Kelly
    Dedicated February 2022
    Kelly ·
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    What helped me was sitting my fiancé down and giving him direct tasks and letting him know exactly what we need and what I am looking for and then asking for his input. He seemed to handle it better when I sat him down and went step-by-step. For example, our wedding ceremony venue I told him what I was looking for and in what areas and if he had any ideas to bring those forward after he finished the search. He was the one who ended up finding our ceremony venue we chose! Sometimes you have to draw the whole picture for them lol

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  • Sheree
    Savvy April 2022
    Sheree ·
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    Sit him down and tell him how you feel! They really don’t understand the amount of work that goes into it, you gotta spell it out for them lol
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  • Kylie
    Beginner October 2022
    Kylie ·
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    I tell him I feel under appreciated and overwhelmed but he just says sorry and thanks me for what I’ve been doing. Which is nice but then there’s no difference after.
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  • Kylie
    Beginner October 2022
    Kylie ·
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    Thank you! I’ve been giving him small tasks to do before this amount of time: but t we lost our first photographer because he couldn’t give me a day to plan the engagement shoot. I know he means well but it sucks
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  • Allaura
    Dedicated November 2022
    Allaura ·
    • Flag
    He he expressed any part that he I really interested in? My fiancé is a baker so he’s in charge or cake. Lol maybe try to find something he can take and run with. Or honestly if he’s not into it then I’d just be like “I need to talk to you about the wedding for at least an hour. I’m feeling overwhelmed and literally all you need to do is listen, let me say things and then that’s it we don’t need to talk bout it for the rest of the day/week/whatever” lol
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  • L
    Savvy June 2023
    Linda ·
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    Is he having second thoughts?

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  • Kylie
    Beginner October 2022
    Kylie ·
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    Thank you for the advice!
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  • Kylie
    Beginner October 2022
    Kylie ·
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    No, he’s just not a planner. I understand it’s not his strong suit so he’s unsure of himself but I need the help 😭 he’s excited to get married just not into the planning part
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  • M
    Dedicated November 2021
    Madison ·
    • Flag
    I’m in the same boat. Our wedding is Saturday and my FH has no clue what’s going on he just knows what time to show up. The past 10 months I’ve been asking him small questions and he answers the same way, that he doesn’t really care about all the decisions. He wants to get married and that’s it. I know it’s frustrating and I know I feel like our day is more my day because he hasn’t had much input. Try making decisions by presenting the two options you are thinking and maybe he’ll say one is better than the other?
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  • Kylie
    Beginner October 2022
    Kylie ·
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    Thanks for the advice! I’m glad it’s not just me. I hope you have a beautiful wedding!
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  • Heather
    Rockstar November 2021
    Heather ·
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    Hi Kylie! I'm sorry you feel alone and overwhelmed. That's how I felt with my now husband when we were planning Smiley sad He did finally help here and there, but his cousin was such a sweetheart and helped us soooo much. When we got to discussing certain things she kept reassuring me that almost all guys usually really aren't planners lol. But everything eventually worked out (thank goodness )! You mentioned that you wanted to elope. Are you doing this for him, parents, etc??

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  • Kylie
    Beginner October 2022
    Kylie ·
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    It’s for both. He didn’t want to elope so his family could be there.
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  • B
    VIP July 2017
    Becky ·
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    If he wants the wedding, then he needs to help. If he doesn't do the tasks you ask him to do, then they don't get done.

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  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Put all planning on hold until he pulls his weight. You are not marrying yourself. Is there anything he will contribute an opinion on or organize? Men generally care a lot about food and music so get his feedback on menu/bar/dj or have him seek out those vendors.
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  • Samantha
    Rockstar May 2022
    Samantha ·
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    Yes this. All my fiance really cares about is the food and music so these are the two things I had him handle. The rest doesn't matter to him so I knew he wouldn't take as much care with it.

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  • Jessi
    Super October 2022
    Jessi ·
    • Flag

    I'm definitely the planner in our relationship, but my fiancé knows that this is also his wedding and that I refuse to plan it alone and he wants to help. We've split things up according to whether or not one of us cares more about something and depending on whose skillset matches the task. For example, I care about every printed/designed thing since I'm a graphic designer, he cares about the suits so those went to their respective people. Though neither of us care a ton about flowers, I understand the whole vibe we're going for, so that's on me. He's much better at spreadsheets/comparing & contrasting so I gave him the room block to figure out. We also have been planning specific days/times to talk about wedding planning together and get on the same page.

    Especially if he's pushing for a wedding and you are adamant that you don't want to plan alone, you guys need to talk this out and figure out what he can help with. It doesn't matter if it's not fun or he doesn't care about something - in life this type of stuff happens all the time and you'll have to work that out too. Since you mention that he's not good with hard deadlines, are you able to set them for him so they'll be done in time? If not, he might be better at getting some of the initial research and vendor info written down for you to contact after. I know for us planners it can be so much easier to just do something instead of asking for help, but it's important that he contributes to this if that's something you want from him since that's literally the least he could do.

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  • Chloe
    Devoted February 2022
    Chloe ·
    • Flag
    You're not his mother. You are marrying an adult man. Give him tasks that are not THAT important - it seems like you've got the most important vendors figured out, so give him a list of what's left to be done and when. And then take a step back and let him do it - or not do it. And then watch him scramble and deal with the consequences when he realizes that you're not stepping in and taking it off his hands, as you seem to have been doing until now. He seems to be leaning back comfortably, knowing that you will step in and do his job. Which, by the way, sounds like a nightmare if you ever decide to have children or need his support. Do you really want to babysit your husband for the rest of your life?
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag

    Gosh, we see this scenario here so often (bride wants to elope; groom wants a big ceremony and reception; bride agrees and then has to plan the whole thing when groom won't "help'). I am sorry you are dealing with this but you have plenty of time to turn this around.

    It's time to rethink your planning and how you talk about it with your future spouse. He's not not "helping." because he should be your equal team member (and remember this for future discussions about housework, cooking, and child rearing, if you're planning to have children!). What he's doing is taking advantage of you and this needs to stop.

    Compile a complete list of all of the things that still need to be taken care of, with approximate deadlines/timeline. Discuss with him and come to an agreement on any item that you can do without. Then, for the rest of the stuff, divvy them up according to who has more time available and preferences (e.g., if one of you hates making phone calls but the other doesn't mind them).

    Share your progress and check-in on whatever frequency makes sense for your relationship and timeline, but don't micromanage his tasks. Make sure he understands that if he doesn't do them, they won't get done. And remind him that he WANTED this wedding reception.

    And for yourself, remember that as long as you have your future spouse, an officiant, and a marriage license, you don't actually NEED anything else.

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  • Heather
    Rockstar November 2021
    Heather ·
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    Why not opt into a microwedding? Maybe find a service that specializes in that in your area. For example, there is an elopement and microwedding service in my area where they just perform the ceremony part, but still make it magical. They literally take care of everything for you even for day of. They will set everything up, take everything down when you guys are done, coordinate of when to walk, and so much more. You just tell them what you want such as photographer, videographer, live music, flowers, etc. They can also give you recommendations for like hair and makeup, limo services, dinner recommendations for afterwards. My best friend's sister got married last month and she used one of those services for her special day. The only people there were literally just her immediate family and her husband's immediate family. Afterwards they all went to a nice restaurant to have dinner and that was it Smiley smile This was actually an option I was going to go with if his aunt had not offered to have our intimate wedding in her beautiful backyard.

    If this is not doable because you had already booked everything with a deposit then I suggest to have a heart to heart with him to tell him how you feel. If he wants his family to be a part of it then he needs to step up! Stand your ground. Let him know how stressful and alone you feel. Give him a task, let him know when it needs to be done, and then follow up with him. I had to keep doing that with my husband cause he just kept forgetting lol. But definitely communicate with your FH as best as you can. Communication is definitely important in a relationship. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I really hope he steps up!! Good luck!

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  • Samantha
    Expert August 2022
    Samantha ·
    • Flag

    I ended up pretty much planning the entire thing and finding everything. There have 100% been times that it's been frustrating, and that I wished he would have taken the initiative, but ultimately the only part he cares about is that we a) get married and b) mostly stick to the budget. He's been more than happy to offer his opinion on things if options are presented to him, but he admitted multiple times that he didn't know where to begin or how to start looking at things, whereas I'm a bit addicted to WeddingWire and have been able to source a lot of our vendors that way. And it got to the point where I had researched the information, so I felt like I needed to be the one to plan and execute and take full ownership of that.

    A way we have kind of worked it out is he has really taken on pretty much every chore around the house except vacuuming, that way I'm not coming home from work, trying to plan the wedding, trying to clean the house, and trying to cook. I shared my schedule with him and let him know when I had calls with vendors or something else to do in the evening, and he made sure to be the one to cook dinner that night. He's also been the one planning our menus for the week so it's one less thing I have to take full ownership of.

    He may genuinely not be interested in planning the wedding, but there are ways you can spread out the mental load between the two of you and make it more of a team.

    I think part of what we run into as brides is the execution of tasks seems to be the simplest if you're the one who researched and planned. Following a task through to the end is easier if you're the one who started it in the first place, and that might be why he isn't getting things executed in the timeframe you expect.

    If there are enough tasks left for this, I would divvy them up and then he should be responsible for each step of completing that task. If you're researching and planning then leaving the execution to him, you're still taking on the mental load of that action.

    That was a bit rambly, and may or may not have actually been helpful, but having my FH take ownership of actions around the house so I can have ownership of the wedding actions and not want to rip my hair out has been a big help.

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