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Just Said Yes August 2021

Fiancé wants to delay the wedding but i don’t want to

Marites, on July 21, 2021 at 2:50 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12

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Our wedding is in 23 days! Everything is ready but today, fiancé told me he can’t get married because there are red flags.

Fiancé and I have been together for 4 years. I’ve been married before and it wasn’t a good one. I had trauma and no skills set to manage my feelings. I had outbursts and fights happened on and off. But we managed to griw and work things out. On Christmas day last year, he proposed. It meant the world to me.
These past couple of months, we had fights and old issues and concerns have been brought up. When we fight, I threaten to leave. It’s something I do to gain control. He’s fed up and no longer feels he can tolerate it. We are in counseling and it seems that we’ve been communicating well.
Today, we finally sat down and he said he needs more time and he was wrong when he proposed. I’d like to honor that but it will hurt so bad. He doesn’t want to break up and he wants us to continue working together. I feel blamed and I ruined this supposed to be the best day of my life. I am scared I’ll flare up and resent him and eventually leave him.
He is a good guy and he has flaws. We had fights that we valid but I always escalate them leaving him feeling miserable.
I have a hard time accepting this without telling myself I don’t deserve this. I am posting this to seek support.

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12 Comments

Latest activity by Kari, on July 22, 2021 at 11:07 AM

Super October 2022
Jessi · on July 21, 2021 at 3:01 PM
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I'm sorry you're going through this. It's definitely tough, especially so close to your date. I do think that your best option right now is to honor your fiancé's wishes and cancel your current plans. If you're still under the impression that this could cause you to do the same things he is concerned about, then his concerns are valid.
You mention that the two of you are in counseling, but are you in counseling yourself with a separate therapist? Just because you guys can work on your issues doesn't mean that your own problems have been solved. Both of you deserve to have a marriage where you feel safe and supported by each other and right now it seems he believes you're not there yet. It is completely valid that he doesn't know if he wants to make a long-term commitment to someone who threatens to leave any time an argument starts.
If he's willing to keep working towards it and that's what you want then keep working. If you're not in individual therapy then I would look into that and start ASAP. You can acknowledge that you're causing these red flags, which is a good first step. However, just being able to say that you do those things doesn't mean that they're excusable. If your fiancé feels as though those are worrisome and you want to be with him, then you have to work on those things... and you can't be upset with him for speaking up.
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Just Said Yes August 2021
Marites · on July 21, 2021 at 3:05 PM
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I have scheduled my own therapy session. Thank you for your insights and advice. I need to hear this.
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Super October 2022
Jessi · on July 21, 2021 at 3:21 PM
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I wish you luck and hope you both are able to make things work.
I used to yell to gain control during our arguments. I'd win every argument which was good for feeling in control, but we were miserable. It took a lot of work to program that out but we are at a point now where if I even begin to raise my voice I notice and will stop to apologize. We also communicate so much better than we ever used to. (Not trying to make this about me so I hope it doesn't come off that way, more just trying to say I understand and I've been there.)
It is possible, and I definitely believe you guys can get there as well.
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Super July 2020
Cool · on July 21, 2021 at 3:27 PM
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I hope that ultimately you see that he is doing this out of love. He is willing to keep working with you be to be fair, you threatening to leave is a valid red flag for him and not fair to him. I think it’s great you’re in therapy together and separately. You need to decide if you truly want this also - you said you’re again afraid you may leave him. If you feel this, now is your time to evaluate that.
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Savvy April 2022
Sheila · on July 21, 2021 at 3:29 PM
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It sounds like you have a lot of insight which is good and you should be really proud of yourself! It's not easy and it's a great start. For me personal therapy is such a positive and I hope you can find the right therapist for you.
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Super September 2021
Sharon · on July 21, 2021 at 3:45 PM
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Jessi said it perfectly. He is right to be concerned and to want to address the issues before you get married. You even acknowledge these are issues that need to be worked on. As difficult as it will be, I think you should respect his wishes so you can both enter your marriage feeling confident that you will be able to work through any future problems together as a team. I wish you both the best.
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Just Said Yes August 2021
Marites · on July 21, 2021 at 3:49 PM
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A lot of my outbursts lately was about his choices to contact an ex gf and decided they want to be friends after 7 yrs of not speaking with each other. I felt threatened and all my insecurities sprung up. Talking with her for the first time in years created nostalgia and confusion in his emotions. He kept things secretly until he sorted his feelings and came clear about it with me. But I was already deep below my emotions and I had a hard time digging myself out to see things clear. I really blame myself for ruining a dream wedding.
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Super September 2021
Sharon · on July 21, 2021 at 3:52 PM
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Don't blame yourself. He shouldn't have kept that from you. Remember, it takes two to make it work or not make it work. No one is solely to blame.
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VIP May 2020
Jai · on July 21, 2021 at 4:49 PM
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Beginning a marriage with a good foundation is important and i think that you're doing great by doing therapy and couples counseling. I do individual therapy and we do couples counseling, and have actually come a long way from where we once were. I'd respect his feelings and postpone your plans for now maybe revisit in 3-6 months to see where you guys go from there. Honestly I'd be upset too if my hubby wanted to be friends with an ex who he hasn't spoken to in 7 years. And that would concern me. But at least you two are open and honest with wanting things to work!
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Dedicated October 2022
Viviana · on July 21, 2021 at 5:59 PM
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This is such a bummer and I understand where your sadness comes from - this is devastating to hear your fiance wanting to cancel/post-pone. But - it's a good sign that he is still willing to work things out with you. Like previous post said, beginning a marriage with a good foundation is extremely important. Best of luck between you two and I hope everything works out in the end!
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Master October 2020
Yasmine · on July 22, 2021 at 3:18 AM
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It seems like you definitely need your own therapy/counseling services without your fiancé. Goodluck with everything
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Master May 2020
Kari · on July 22, 2021 at 11:07 AM
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Sounds like your fiance is doing the responsible thing and delaying your marriage until you two are at the point where your relationship is healthier than it is now. The situation you describe is definitely one full of red flags. You threatening to leave the relationship to gain control during an argument is abusive and hurtful.
From the level of trauma you describe, I would recommend therapy/counseling for you and only you, in addition to what you are doing as a couple. Until you work through the demons of your past and find productive coping mechanisms you are going to struggle to be a supportive partner to anyone, and it will likely impact all of your relationships going forward.
I am sorry that this is coming up now, so close to the wedding, but better now than not at all. I would delay the wedding and continue to work on yourself and your relationship.
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