Kevin
Just Said Yes August 2022

Fiancé wants Catholic Church wedding, but I’m not a practicing Catholic.

Kevin, on July 31, 2021 at 8:15 PM Posted in Planning 0 9
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Hello all, first time here. I’m actually the groom in this situation, and my girlfriend (not yet fiancé, though we’ve been talking about dresses, rings, and venues all year), she wants a Catholic wedding.


I’m fine with this, however, we haven’t been to church in years and I never made it through to confirmation. We are both baptized Catholic, and she’s done all the necessary sacraments and this means a lot to her.
It means so much to the point that she recognizes that I’m not fully into the religion and doesn’t want to have a church wedding if it means I’m not into it. Again, I have no problems doing the wedding at church, I just can’t lie to her nor myself and say I’m 100% on board with the Catholic faith, especially if we haven’t been attending for all the years we’ve been together.
I don’t want this to be where we draw the line, as we’ve been together for over 4 years now and living together for 3 of them. But if she won’t even talk to me to find a compromise, I’m not sure how we’re supposed to go all our lives together. And that’s knowing that most other issues we tend to resolve just fine, it’s just this one in particular that I’m not sure where to turn.
Tl;dr, she wants a Catholic wedding; I’m “fine” with that, but fine isn’t enough for her. She wants to know I’m fully committed to the faith and I’d be lying to both of us if I said I was.

9 Comments

Latest activity by Katie, on August 1, 2021 at 12:59 PM
  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    She will have to become a currently practicing parishioner ASAP or you will not be allowed to marry in the Catholic Church. However if she is making an ultimatum that you must convert to beliefs you are not comfortable with then you may need to go separate ways. Marriage is about compromise and if she is not willing to do that with you then she’s not ready for it with anyone.
    • Reply
  • W
    Super September 2020
    Willow ·
    • Flag
    If she wants you to be fully committed to the faith but you're not, get premarital counseling by a secular provider before you get engaged. Premarital counseling specifically focuses on all the scenarios that might come up after marriage. Is she going to want to raise kids Catholic? How do you feel about that? Is she going to want to go to church every Sunday?


    A breakup is much easier than a divorce. Figure this out now. It sounds like she may be trying to force a square peg into a round hole. That is no way to continue a relationship or start a marriage.
    I'm also wondering why this issue took so long to come up, and if she's so committed to the faith, why has she been cohabitating with you for the past 3 years? She doesn't get to pick and choose which parts of the faith to practice then want you to be fully committed, whatever that means.
    • Reply
  • W
    Super September 2020
    Willow ·
    • Flag
    Also, she hasn't been to church in years, but she wants you to be fully committed to Catholicism??


    I get that many Catholics engage in birth control and premarital sex, but church attendance is the bare mininum of being a practicing Catholic, esp if you want your wedding in one.
    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag

    DH is Catholic, I'm not even Christian.

    He really wanted to get married in the Church, so we did precana.

    I came away traumatized, but willing to do it for him... he was displeased with the program, but willing to talk to the priest about it.

    The priest refused to talk to either of us and then denied us the Church wedding (with less than 4 months to go before the wedding). ...I may have vowed to never set foot in the church again, which is going to get awkward, as I'm pregnant and we haven't really discussed baptism.

    *If you are not comfortable, the priest will know.*

    DH and I got married in a civil ceremony that our friend designed for us, which acknowledge both DH's faith and my own beliefs.

    The only way to deal with this is to talk about it. If she refuses to talk about it, then she's not ready to get married.

    • Reply
  • Dana
    Savvy October 2021
    Dana ·
    • Flag
    That's ok you have to be confirmed to get married in a church anyway 😂 she'll have to compromise or throw you through classes to be confirmed. But also does her religion really mean that much to her? If it does, you should've been aware of it years ago and known it's what she would want.
    • Reply
  • Emilia
    Expert June 2019
    Emilia ·
    • Flag

    Maybe you should talk to a conselor or even a priest and present the situation. They might be of some advice, if you meet the right open-minded person. Here in Western Europe there's a lot of couples who marry in church without one of them even being baptised, as the church tries to welcome everyone... The couple just have to agree on the fact that if the religion is present in their every day life, the persont that doesn't have or practice faith wouldn't be against it...

    I wouldn't actually judge your FW as someone who is not fully into the faith, as she doesn't go to church. Me neither, I hadn't been going a lot for some years. Firstly because the church in my country is not really about the faith, it's about money and politics. Then I moved to another country and couldn't really "feel" the service in anotrer language... But I knew I still needed the presence of God on my special day. Since then, I practice more.

    • Reply
  • K
    Dedicated September 2021
    K ·
    • Flag
    You might have to go to reconciliation before they will marry you. I’m not personally a fan of people going through the motions to get married in the church if they don’t practice or believe. I’m a little confused as to why she is so gung-ho about this but lackadaisical about other aspects (like not attending Mass, moving in together, etc). That said, as a Catholic I understand why this is important, even if she’s just now reawakening to her faith (that’s a very good thing, from my perspective!)


    The Catholic Church will marry Catholics to non-Catholics, so I would maybe look at your situation in the same way. No big deal. But it sounds like maybe you have concerns that your actual values and beliefs around religion are not aligned, and that that is something you’re just now discovering and wanting to resolve. It’s worth resolving. Is she going to expect you to start attending Mass together? Will she be disappointed to learn that you don’t believe? Are you going to raise your kids Catholic and is she going to expect you to help her reinforce Catholic values and traditions? Food for thought, and I would definitely have a talk. But don’t lie.
    My fiancé doesn’t really believe but sees a lot of value in the morality and traditions of the church. So I’m fine with that. He does go to Mass with me though.
    • Reply
  • Katie
    Expert August 2021
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree with this. I also think you should have a good long talk with her about how you feel and how you would be lying if you said you would commit to the faith. You need to be honest with her about this, do not sugar coat it because you don't want to hurt her or lose her. If she refuses to compromise then I'd seek couples counseling first and then if that doesn't work then part ways.
    • Reply
  • Katie
    Expert August 2021
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    He said she hasn't been to church in the years they been together, so for me it's obvious her religion doesn't mean that much to her.
    • Reply

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