Fiancé wanted wedding but not planning

Meh. I don't really see it as a "you want it, you plan it" situation. It should be a partnership, just like the rest of your relationship. Things should be planned and agreed on equally.

You're right, if he's the one who wants it, he should take the lead in planning. Yes, it's a partnership. But this is supposed to be a compromise between your desire for a small wedding that wouldn't require much planning, and his desire for a bigger wedding that would require a lot more. He can't just increase the planning required, and then leave you to deal with it.

I'd say it is about time to tell him that if he wants anything more than your original vision, he needs to step up and begin planning it.

As for "Fiancé wanted wedding but not planning," I want to be in the Olympics without having to practice any sports, too. But that's not how life works.

I agree that he should taking the reigns on planning since he wanted the big wedding. What has he said when you bring that up to him?

Omg thought it was just me

He never rejects the conversations - he's always open to talk about it and researches things with me. But it's just in the moment with no action to follow. I don't know how to plan a wedding so I feel like since he wanted to be traditional and have a big wedding then he should jumpstart the leg work - not just talk about when I bring it up and then do nothing.

Maybe just start suggesting things that you want? Since he isn't interested in the planning process anymore.

I wanted the courthouse and BBQ after with our families, but FH wanted to be married by his father (Methodist Minister) and in a church. For some odd reason he didn't realize that with that comes all of the other wedding related things he didn't think about. I'm doing it for him because it didn't matter to me that much to not do it, but it is frustrating to have to plan and pay for something that I wouldn't have done.

I've decided that I just need to embrace the fact that if I have to go to this scale then I'm going to do it the way I want. We're getting married in a chapel, having photographs done at the Swan House in Atlanta (was in Hunger Games I'm so pumped), and our reception is at an awesome bowling alley where we're eating pizza, sliders, and drinking beer.

I'd have loved for him to just take the reigns and plan it, but I also know that what he might do would "scare" me. Most men aren't planners and can't haggle so I figured I actually saved myself some frustration.

Yep. I don't give a crap about weddings and he wanted a big blowout with everyone he's ever known. We had to compromise, so our wedding is a similar size and scale to what you're planning and every minute of thinking about this shit is about as much fun as stabbing things in my eyeballs. FH is not interested in playing a part, and is overwhelmed just by the process of planning, so basically, I'm just doing what I want.

That probably should have been a discussion before you guys decided on the larger, more traditional wedding. He might have no idea that you aren't willing or able to plan it. It sounds like you guys compromised, which is great, but if the who will plan what wasn't an explicit part of the conversation, you just refusing to do anything is a little petty and childish IMO.

Have the conversation now. Say that he's the one who wanted the traditional wedding so you would appreciate more help in planning. Or you guys can pay for a full service wedding planner and tell them to do whatever they want within your specified budget.

If your bothered about him not helping out then I would just tell him how stressed you. When my husband and I planned our wedding we both learned to work as a team. Of course I did most of it because what do guys know about flowers and decorations right?

I assigned him ordering food, alcohol and helping out with timeline. He had a blast ordering alcohol haha

No not exactly. We're getting married in FH's hometown because its his home town and its easier for ppl to travel from where we live now, vs. them traveling to my home town/state. I figured since it was his hometown he's be more helpful. But I couldn't be more off in assumption. So we sat down with a wedding checklist from the internet and went through everything. He picked the things he cared about the most (DJ, bar, groom & GM attire, honeymoon) and I put him in charge of them. Then things that were more practical for him to do than me (for example our officiant is his childhood pastor and Idk much are secondline bands bc I am not from NOLA) he took those over as well. It resulted in him being over 7 things for the wedding, and he's taking the initiative on those things, everything else he can care less about.

To be honest I am in the same exact situation. He is the eldest in his family and the first to get married. I kind of have to drag him along to plan things but we have made amazing progress.

It'd be nice for him to take the reigns and plan some stuff but i know most men aren't like that... they like to be told where to be what to wear and when to show up. LOL I have done all the research but my FH randomly brings me home wedding magazines or vendor info he heard about which is nice. He likes when i come to him with all the info then we both decide what to go with. He's actually been pretty awesome to work with during all of this Good luck!

I do think that you guys could ideally compromise, as others have suggested. Tell him straight out that you do not feel capable of planning a big wedding like he wants. Offer him these options: he actively helps plan the big wedding, you plan a wedding with a scale you are comfortable with, or you hire someone else to do the planning. It should not all be put on you.

I ended up in a similar situation with DH. I wanted a courthouse wedding and he wanted to invite everyone he ever met. We comprised with a small backyard wedding that he still thought I should plan. We fought a lot about his lack of input and even about how he didn't want me to talk to him about the planning. I ended up having to decide for myself what I did care about and what I didn't. I focused on the things I cared about and learned to let go of the items that I didn't. I found my best friend and my aunt (we got married at her house) to be great sounding boards for wedding planning. And I managed to finally impress on my man that I could not do it all alone, and assigned him some tasks to take the lead on. I showed my husband the WW checklist and it clicked how overwhelming planning a wedding can be. He was at least more receptive after that.

Why is it a partnership when the groom wants the wedding, but it's totally acceptable for the bride to plan everything herself when she's the one who wants it?

I was in the same boat. I tried talking to him but he just didn't understand *why* it was so stressful. Then one day I happened to get a very dramatic phone call from my mother while FH was with me, and seeing me breaking down in tears over the wedding really seemed to get through to him that I needed help.

I'm having the same problems with my fiance even though we DO want the same kind of wedding. He just assumed that nothing needed to get done until "a few months" before the wedding, like with a regular party. So the burden of planning has really fallen on me, because I seem to be the only one who realizes: if it doesn't get done now, it won't GET done.

He didn't start taking planning seriously until we were rejected by a couple of our top-choice venues because they were already booked, which drove home my point like nothing else - 10 months is not "way too soon" to be stressing about things.

I recommend doing what FFW did! And showing them the checklist organized by month can really help emphasize these ARE things that need to get done way in advance.

You should have a conversation with him about how you feel. In marriage there are going to be ups and downs, and days you take the lead, and days he takes the lead. I believe right now you are feeling like it's not a partnership. Ask him to step up with planning the wedding. There were times when "I just couldn't" during planning and DH was able to handle everything because we always comminucated with each other. Having him gave me the oppurnity to relax and come back to process a better person. There were also times when "he just couldn't" and I did the same for him. In the end, everything was beautiful and we were a stronger couple cuz we worked together and supported one another. Talk to him.

Just throwing this out there - do you have room in your budget for a planner? Someone to do the legwork and you yes/no ideas? It may be an option if you can set aside money in the budget.

I'm all about planning our wedding but a recent conversation about when we need to make decisions by made me so glad it's not in his hands. My FH seems to think we really don't need to book anything until about 2 months out. He couldn't understand why I would need to know how is groomsmen were before August....

Potentially he thinks that 10 months out, you have plenty of time before you need to worry about this?