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Nelia
Dedicated October 2024

Fiancé not doing his part

Nelia, on January 10, 2024 at 1:33 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 14
Hello 2024 brides ! I need advice , my future husband has not gotten his guest list together when our kids wedding planner said last October he needed to finalize his guest list MONTHS ago . He also was confront by my one bridesmaid and asked last weekend if her boyfriend would be in the groomsmen’s party and my future husband said he wasn’t sure yet . I am getting to the point I just want to tell him if he can’t provide his guest list , addresses and names of family/ friends / coworkers he wants then they aren’t coming . I’ve wanted so badly to help pay for our wedding to feel like we are making progress on our vendors , but I am having to pay my student loans and other bills we have . He also told me last night the reason he’s delaying his guest list is there may be a “problem” that may not actually be a problem at all . He won’t elaborate on what it is . His mom is a very much a terrible alcoholic and the person he wants as a best man he hasn’t spoken to in 4 years …yes 4 years ! I just texted him that I was going to send my save the dates out this week to my guests on my side so they can finally put on their calendars when our wedding will be . I have a lot of family flying in or driving to our wedding and need to request time off of school / work. I need serious advice , we meet with our pastor for premarital counseling next Sunday and I don’t know if I should bring this up or not . We also struggling to figure out how to reduce costs for our wedding as I am unable to really help pay for it because of the other bills and loans I am paying back . Help !

14 Comments

Latest activity by Jacob, on January 11, 2024 at 10:19 PM
  • Andrea
    Rockstar January 2024
    Andrea ·
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    Yes, bring this up at your premarital counseling. You need to get on the same page and learn how to communicate with each other.
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  • LM
    Super December 2022
    LM ·
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    Ah, the hassles of the groom's guest list is so triggering. So many of us have lived through this frustration -- you are not alone. That said, I would bring up these very pressing and important concerns at your premarital session because that 3rd party professional should have skills to help you two better communicate. If you are not comfortable with that person, I would suggest another counselor where you can feel safe, and for him perhaps Al-Anon which has online and in-person meetings. Best wishes.
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  • Nelia
    Dedicated October 2024
    Nelia ·
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    Thank you , it’s his mother who is the alcoholic . He has so many family issues , but I do plan to bring this up in our counseling session next weekend . I am under so much stress from my job and trying to help with our wedding and just had a recent death in my family last week so that has been crushing me as well. I’ve been seeing my therapist I’m going to be seeing her tomorrow. Thank you for your comment.
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  • LM
    Super December 2022
    LM ·
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    I also suggest making wedding decisions that meet your budget now, no regrets. You want to feel in control and confident starting your life together with a wedding you can afford. I do not suggest using credit to pay for costs. Everyone has bills, they are never ending, but money will not appear out of nowhere so just cut unnecessary items out.
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  • LM
    Super December 2022
    LM ·
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    I'm sorry for your loss. I urge you two to lean on each other, the rest is money and a day. Best wishes with everything.
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  • C
    CM ·
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    The secretiveness regarding “a problem” could mean anything from being unsure about numbers to postponing the date or worse. It is not only unfair to keep this from you it’s putting you in a position to fear the worst. He really needs to tell you what the problem is right now or else.


    Who is paying for the wedding if you can’t? Unfortunately, you can’t force FI to give you a final guest list. Do you have a general idea of numbers and a venue yet? I don’t know why you need a finalized list this far out . If his side won’t get save the dates it’s not the end of the world. He’ll just have to work within numbers and budget.
    Your friend was rude and out of line to ask if her boyfriend is going to be in the wedding party. His mother and old friend are his issues to deal with.
    I would definitely bring all of this up in counseling and would tell him ahead of time so he’s not blindsided.


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  • Nelia
    Dedicated October 2024
    Nelia ·
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    Yeah, it is very unfair that he’s not telling me what’s going on with the guest list I don’t understand what his problem is and I talk to him earlier today over text that I told him I was going to send my save the dates to my people already since he hasn’t gotten his side figured out and that his friend that he’s unsure of that I’m willing to apologize for things that happened in the past in the beginning of our relationship if that will smooth things over at this point, I don’t know what is going on in his head and I don’t know if he was is wanting to just cancel the wedding or whatever he won’t tell me what the problem with his guest list will be and the only thing I can think of is probably talking about it in counseling next week when we see our pastor . I’m under so much stress right now for my job to trying to get this wedding figured out and if we’re going to be able to pay it and the death of my uncle that happened last week that his funeral is going to be tomorrow I just feel hopeless right now. I don’t see any end in sight for any of this, thankfully I see my therapist tomorrow and I can talk to her about some of this
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  • Nelia
    Dedicated October 2024
    Nelia ·
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    Thank you at this point I don’t know if I even want to even go through with this wedding with how I’m feeling emotionally and the fact that we have already signed contract with certain vendors and we haven’t really scratched the surface with paying some of them down. He told me that we would talk about his guest less and the groomsmen when he got home but I don’t know if that conversation is going to go well at this point I just want to be left alone for the rest of today and tomorrow to grieve with my family, even though I won’t be at the funeral physically for my uncle.
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  • C
    CM ·
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    I’m very sorry for your loss.


    The fact that he thinks it’s OK to leave you in the dark to the point that you don’t even know if he intends to cancel the wedding is, IMO, nothing short of emotional abuse.
    Finances sound like another major issue. At the very least I’d consider postponing, for multiple reasons.
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    I would hold off on sending the save the dates until your plans are more firm. You'll need to make sure you have the budget for everyone, and it sounds to me like you're not sure. I think that you need some help with counselling for right now anyway, and that's probably the priority. It sounds like your fiancé is reluctant, perhaps is it because he's realistically thinking that you can't afford your plans? Just a thought.

    I'm sorry for your family's loss. Take some time for yourself.

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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    The fact that you have been continually planning then cancelling your wedding plans for 4 years now due to lack of finances is concerning. Tbh, it doesn’t sound like a wedding is financially feasible for you. And there have also been multiple concerns in your relationship. I would stop trying to force an event you cannot afford, and start putting your time and effort into couples counseling. Once your relationship is sound, you and your spouse can easily get married in a manner that works into your budget (ie, go to the courthouse or host a microwedding for a small group of VIP guests, etc.). Getting married is all about the commitment you are making to one another; not throwing a party. You don’t need a wedding to get married.
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  • C
    CM ·
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    With the uncertainty as well as the financial pressure you seem to be under I agree that at the very least it would be good to hold off on sending save the dates. It's unlikely that anyone needs this much of a heads up if your wedding is in October.

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  • Natalie
    Super November 2020
    Natalie ·
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    There definitely seem to be some red flags here! As noted in your previous posts, the two of you have been trying to plan a wedding for four years! As an outsider, it seems that you are trying to make planning decisions but are unable to contribute financially, and he is footing the bill but unable to afford the wedding you are planning. You and FH need to get on the same page. Be realistic about what you can afford. Weddings require a lot of money, with a lot of money due upfront when signing contracts and reserving dates. You need a solid plan on how this money will be saved to ensure it will be available to make these deposits and payments. Also, the guest list needs to be established ASAP! Instead of having “my list” and “his list,” it needs to be “our list.” He needs to be open about the “potential problem.” The guest list and budget are the first two things that need determined before finding any vendors! I wouldn’t send out any save the dates until the two of you are on the same page!
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  • Jacob
    Savvy June 2024
    Jacob ·
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    For the guest list situation with your fiancé, it might be time to set a firm deadline. Let him know that you need his list by a certain date to ensure everyone gets their save the dates and invitations in time. It's totally fair to expect this from him, especially since you've got family who need to plan their travel.

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