A
Beginner September 2019

Fiancé doesn’t like “friend” and doesn’t want to invite him to the wedding. Help!

Alexa, on July 4, 2019 at 8:35 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 19
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Hi everyone!

I feel like I am stuck in the middle of a SUPER awkward situation and don’t know what to do.

”Brandon” is a family friend who we met through my older brother a few years ago. He doesn’t have a lot of close family himself, so my family has invited him over to a number of events/dinners that we have had. In addition, Brandon started attending the church that my fiancé and I attend about a year ago, and he will often sit with us.

My fiancé and I have been dating longer than we have known Brandon, but in short, my fiancé does not like him. I won’t go into all of the details, but Brandon can be rather needy/annoying and is extremely socially awkward. My fiancé is also convinced that Brandon has a crush on me... while this has never been confirmed, I will admit that he has been maybe more “flirty” towards me.

Things have recently gotten more complicated...

Brandon has started to talk to one of my cousins (I consider her one of my best friends) who lives 4 hours away from us. They have now met a few times in person and would consider themselves a couple.

And now the real kicker...

My fiancé has made it very clear that he does NOT want to invite Brandon to the wedding (in September). I have mentioned to him that he is probably expecting to attend/it would be polite to invite him, but he is pretty set in what he wants.

I am not really sure what to do. I know that Brandon will mention something eventually about the wedding to my fiancé and I, and I just hope I can run away before my fiancé says anything to him...

Should I be supporting my fiancé in this? I know it is important for him that Brandon not be there, so should I just go along with him?

19 Comments

  • Sarah
    VIP September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    Outside of your friendship with Brandon, he is now dating one of your cousins. He should be invited as her SO. Unless Brandon has behaved completely inappropriately toward you, I don’t see how him maybe having a crush on you at some point is reason enough to tell your cousin her significant other can’t attend.
    • Reply
  • CDickman
    VIP September 2019
    CDickman ·
    • Flag
    Hmm that gets tricky. Do you want to invite him? Also depands in what you mean be flirty. I would talk to Brandon about how he is flirty. Also I wonder with how you described him if he has a slight social disorder. I would say yes invite him. But the flirty issue is what makes me question.
    • Reply
  • Wendy
    Rockstar August 2020
    Wendy ·
    • Flag
    I have a HS friend who is very socially awkward and a lot of my friends don’t like him for that reason... my FH has not met him but he agrees based on the stories.. I’m still inviting him, so if that’s the only reason why your FH doesn’t like him then I think is very unfair... now, if it’s because of the flirty part I can understand but if you want to invite him then you should...
    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    VIP September 2020
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    Brandon sounds like he most likely has Aspergers, a form of Autism. He might not even be fully aware of how his actions seem to others..
    How flirty is flirty? And does that matter if you didn't ever reciprocate... Especially now he's dating your cousin!
    Sounds like FH is jealous over something he shouldn't be. Has he ever been this way before? If so, maybe have a chat with him. Guys CAN find you attractive- he did, and as long as you aren't falling all over yourself flirting back, and have been faithful to FH, he needs to get over it. Okay he might've been hurt before by someone but the jealous thing is NOT attractive nor does it lessen vet time.

    Get out of the issue by having him e your cousins plus one. Supportive of jealous finance and Brandon's feelings aren't hurt when you tell him "Oh! I figured you'd be cousin Sally's plus one!"
    • Reply
  • Yoice
    VIP March 2019
    Yoice ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree with Sarah.
    This would bring a ton of drama not only from Brandon but your cousin who’s your best friend and probably family in general. I’ll talk to fiancé and explain this to him and talk him into avoiding all this unnecessary drama. Your wedding day is so busy that you jump from people to people so is not like is just you two and Brandon.
    • Reply
  • Margaret
    Dedicated June 2020
    Margaret ·
    • Flag
    That's tough. I'm sure you feel terrible. Also, now that he is in a relationship with one of your best friends, this might impact your relationship with her as well. There seems to be more going on to this of you FH is so adamant about him not coming. Also, it sounds like if you try to convince FH to let Brandon come, then it gives off a particular idea to FH. Sounds exhausting.

    Anyway, long and short of it, yes, you need to support him if he feels that uncomfortable, but it's something HE has to address and shouldn't expect you to handle. Also, be prepared for backlash from cousin.
    • Reply
  • A
    Beginner September 2019
    Alexa ·
    • Flag
    I don’t particularly want Brandon at the wedding, but I understand that it would be wrong to not invite him.
    I think my fiancé finds it a little creepy how everything went down (I am not so sure). Brandon was “flirty” towards me, my fiancé mentioned something to him, and then soon after, he starts talking to my cousin who he has never met before and lives hours away.
    I agree with basically everything written here, but that does not change the fact that my fiancé doesn’t want him there. I don’t want to go behind his back and invite him.
    • Reply
  • A
    Beginner September 2019
    Alexa ·
    • Flag
    Also, before my cousin and Brandon met for the first time, my fiancé made it very clear to my cousin that he did not like Brandon and that he would not be invited to the wedding.
    Now, I have my mom bothering me to “make sure that Brandon is invited to the wedding”. Ughhh now I have to somehow tell her that my fiancé doesn’t want him there.
    • Reply
  • CDickman
    VIP September 2019
    CDickman ·
    • Flag
    You don’t have to go behind his back. Just say Brandon is my cousin date. He is invited. Nothing will happen between me and Brandon. Then invite him.
    • Reply
  • October2019
    Dedicated October 2019
    October2019 ·
    • Flag
    I think you and your FH should decide what to do. I don't agree with you just telling your FH your going to invite him or FH just saying you can't. I probably wouldn't invite him since even you said you don't really want him there. He is a grown up regardless of his social ackwardness he should be able to move past it.
    • Reply
  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
    • Flag
    If he’s dating your cousin he needs to be invited as her boyfriend, period
    • Reply
  • MrsJohansson
    Expert June 2019
    MrsJohansson ·
    • Flag
    I think your fiancé sounds insecure. Even if Brandon has a crush, he should trust you.

    • Reply
  • CDickman
    VIP September 2019
    CDickman ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Not if it’s a disability.
    • Reply
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Champion March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree. He may also have a social disorder and unless you’re having an immediate-family only wedding, he should be invited as your cousin’s SO.
    • Reply
  • T
    Devoted May 2010
    Theresa ·
    • Flag

    It's your fiance's day, as well as yours. He has been open and honest from before the "beginning" of your cousin dating Brandon about not wanting him at the wedding. He told your cousin he did not want Brandon at the wedding, so it's entirely possible that your cousin wasn't planning on bringing him.

    Unlike everyone else, I think you need to honor your fiance's wishes and not invite him. Tell mom sorry, but you're not going to be inviting him. Tell her why if you want, it doesn't sound like your fiance is too concerned about people knowing how he feels. It also sounds like you aren't entirely comfortable with him either, so you could tell mom that two of you aren't inviting him (united front), no further answer required.

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    Brandon still seems to be in the casual friend category. And you sound like you think you ought to invite him, not like you feel any strong relationship. So if the one who feels strongly about it, FI, says no, I would leave it at that. Now if you invite cousin, and by the time invitations are out, they are exclusively dating, then if you invite her, you invite him. Make a bargain with FI that you only in it him if he is then SO of cousin. Which would mean he is not stuck on you. And FI needs not spend time with him.
    • Reply
  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    If he's actually dating the cousin you're backed into the corner of inviting him and will have to explain it to your fiance that's how it works.
    If he's not dating the cousin he doesn't need to come, it's common to not invite people who have recently flirted with you to a wedding. Tell your mother you are uncomfortable inviting someone who was flirting with you recently to your wedding and find it disrespectful to your marriage as it makes your fiance uncomfortable. If she doesn't understand tell her too bad.
    • Reply
  • Brooke
    Expert November 2019
    Brooke ·
    • Flag

    Are you inviting your cousin who is seeing Brandon? If so, I'm guessing that would be her plus 1. Also, if you and your family are friends with him and you want him there, I wouldn't see a problem with him coming. You should sit down with your FH and have a discussion of WHY he doesn't want you to invite one of your family friends who is now dating your cousin.

    • Reply
  • N
    Expert August 2019
    N ·
    • Flag
    How does your cousin feel about this whole thing? How would you feel about a girl friend of your FH who you were really uncomfortable with that seemed flirty with your husband all of a sudden dating his best friend that never spoke much until you confronted her? I honestly don’t feel like you’d lose sleep over not having him, more like other people would. Chat with your cousin and think about the above situation.
    • Reply

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