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Devoted December 2018

Fh’s parents trying to expand guest list

Sarah, on October 8, 2018 at 11:30 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 10

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My future in-laws had lunch with my FH while I was out of town last week and were asking if certain people were going to be invited because they really want them there. FH told them he wasn’t sure and had to talk to me and look at where we were on numbers.

For background, when FH asked for address of 16 family members to send invites to his parents sent back a list with 60 people (distant relatives FH couldn’t pick out of a line up, their friends, and co-workers). We ended up inviting a lot of his distant relatives because his mom guaranteed us there was no way they would come (so far with rsvps that’s held true). We invited about 30 of the 60 they gave us, added several to our B list.

There are 10 friends that all of a sudden, at lunch without me, it’s very important they are invited (this would add about $1,000) because they are all local and would come. His family isn’t contributing anything to the wedding (even though financially they easily could) because they see it as my family’s responsibility. FH and I paying for most, with a little help from my parents. Budget wise have planned for 125, sent invites to 180. We currently have 84 yes and 64 that we’re waiting to hear from. I think we may end up slightly over 125 as is . The issue is I really don’t want to spend $1000 for people we didn’t even want to invite in the first place. I’m perfectly fine spending extra if more of our out of state friends can make it than we thought.

Is it rude to have FH tell his parents we’ll invite them if they agree to pay for those individuals? We have room at the venue. Do we just tell his parents that it looks like we’re going to be close to our number and the budget doesn’t work and see if they offer to pay?

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10 Comments

Latest activity by Sarah, on October 8, 2018 at 5:10 PM

VIP August 2018
Kristen · on October 8, 2018 at 12:07 PM
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I don't think you should tell them to pay for those people because then if they do, they will think that's free reign for them to invite even more people you don't know just because they can pay for them
Stick to your guns and politely tell them that you simply can't afford to host such a large wedding and you'd like to keep it close friends and family. The guest list is complete, invitations have gone out, and that's that.
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Savvy September 2019
Keena · on October 8, 2018 at 12:07 PM
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I honestly think you should let them know you don't have the money to cover extra expenses because of the expense at hand for the wedding and you already budgeted for 125 people. Inform them that it will be more stressful because you would have to order extra items from vendors and such. I also think you should let them know they can gladly come but you will need their help covering the cost for them to attend. Or if they won't cover the 10 extra people, ask them how many are they will to cover in expenses and let them choose out that 10 who should come! Also you should have your husband talk to them not you because I feel that is his place since those are his parents. #myopinions
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on October 8, 2018 at 12:25 PM
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I would just say no, you don't have anymore room to add people. You have a set budget, and you are at the budget so no more people. Your fiance just needs to tell them no or they will keep adding.
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Dedicated August 2019
Christina · on October 8, 2018 at 12:34 PM
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I ran into a similar problem. I also agree that your fiancé needs to tell them no or they’ll continue to add. If you tell them they can pay for the extra people, they may just add more and more or be offended.
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Master 0000
Judith · on October 8, 2018 at 12:57 PM
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Tell them no. You will end up with a wedding where FI maybe recognizes lots, but does not know them. And most of your wedding will be strangers. Getting invited to the weddings of people you never see is not an honor at all. Most people who are either say, boy, have they got a nerve, and decline. Or say, don't know the couple, but it will be kind of a family reunion with people I used to know. If you are having this wedding to create a party for people who don't care in the least about you, but are there for a reunion, go ahead and invite them. I am of the opinion that if parents want a family and friends reunion of their own rarely seen people, who barely know the couple, they should have that reunion. Separately, another time. Not take $5000 or more of couple's money to take over their wedding. Too bad you already sent these people invitations. Should have said , no. Put those people on a family reunion list, and you can save up a year for that party, FMIL. Not at our wedding.
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VIP October 2018
queenbee · on October 8, 2018 at 1:02 PM
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Your invitations already went out. You don’t need or want these people at your wedding which YOU are paying for. I would tell FH to tell his parents no, you can’t make room for them on the guest list. Don’t give them the option to pay for the extra people, that will just lead to trouble for you.
My FILs tried this too, even though they’re not contributing anything to the wedding except the rehearsal dinner. FMIL has handed me multiple lists of additional people to add, which we haven’t added any of those people. Then they tried to sneak FSIL boyfriend of like 3 days into their RSVP and we shot that down quick, even though FFIL offered to pay for him (a complete stranger, by the way, and this is after they have offered us no money for the entire 2 years we were planning this wedding but they’re willing to pay for a rando who FSIL won’t be dating a month after the wedding probably). FH side of the family and friends is about 70% of our guest list, and only my family is helping us. So I haven’t given my in-laws anything they’ve asked for, basically. No pay, no say.
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Devoted December 2018
Sarah · on October 8, 2018 at 1:39 PM
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This may have been easier if we said no from the start instead of saying we would do a B list. Seemed like a good way to keep the peace at the time. Now they keep asking. This particular group of 10 I see 1-2 times a year. In laws interact with them on a regular basis/daily for the co-workers. I honestly don’t care if they’re there and if we were looking at 100 guests i would send the invites. However, I think we’re going to come really close/go over a little with how rsvp’s have come in. I’m really glad all of the relatives that don’t know myself or even FH, who they are related to, aren’t coming.
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Devoted February 2016
Joanna · on October 8, 2018 at 3:52 PM
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You have a budget for 125 and invited 180. Big mistake, especially now that FH's family thinks they get to invite from the B list for any "no" RSVPs. You could very well end up with many, many more than 125 attending on the day. Hope you've got deep pockets!
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Super May 2019
c · on October 8, 2018 at 4:05 PM
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I would decline their suggestion and move on. Don't ask for them to pay for them, if they really want them there they can offer to pay for them. It's not your family's responsibility to pay for their friends to come.
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Devoted December 2018
Sarah · on October 8, 2018 at 5:10 PM
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Not a big mistake in our situation, about 70% of our guest list is out of state and we already have 30 no rsvps. We’re looking at 115-135. We’re fine spending more if more of our out of state friends can attend, just don’t want to pay for parents friends that we don’t know. Basically made a B list with parents friends to send out invitations if we weren’t going to meet our venue’s minimum (which was a real possibility for us since the vast majority of our guests are out of state).
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