Fwbride
Super July 2024

Fh’s Bestman not coming to Bachelor party.

Fwbride, on January 23, 2019 at 12:02 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 26
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So my fiancé’s BM is the only person who said no to not coming on the combined bachelor/bachelorette trip we have planned. We made the trip as cheap as we possibly can and asked everyone their budgets ahead of time and when it went a little over me and my FH chose to pay the difference. I know it’s not because he can’t afford it because he’s been telling FH about all the money he’s making now that he has a new job and has nothing to spend it on. We invited his BM over for dinner and I cooked his favorite thing and he never said thank you or offered to help clean and then backed out on our plans for later that night because he apparently planned to go out the next night with other friends. He planned all of that after committing to our plans. FH and him have been friends since they were 12 and lived together for the past year. It amazes me that he can just act like this whole thing is unimportant. I want to have a talk with him about it because I know it hurts my FHs feelings but he’s a guy so he would never say it. How do I say “hey stop being a bumhole to your best friend and help him celebrate.” In a nice way😶

26 Comments

Latest activity by Alejandra, on January 24, 2019 at 2:56 PM
  • Nicole
    Devoted January 2019
    Nicole ·
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    Honestly, I don’t think it’s your place to say anything to him. If anything encourage your FH to speak up for himself.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    It would be terribly wrong to try to push any WP member into attending a multi-day trip in your honor. What are you thinking? Bachelor and bachelorette parties, or joint ones, are totally optional. And any couple is going way out of bounds to pressure someone who does not want to come. Please don't. Having the money is beside the point. If he does not want to go, leave him be. No pressure, no penalty. When you ask someone to stand up for you, no multiday party can be expected, it is not a paid job. Everyone who wants to go, should. That is it.
    • Reply
  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
    • Flag
    I dont see the problem. He cant make a completely optional trip. The reason doesnt matter. Be like Elsa and let it go.
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  • Fwbride
    Super July 2024
    Fwbride ·
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    No one said he had to go anywhere. But he chose to accept the role as best man so he’s going to have to choose to start being supportive or step down. I’m not going to let anyone make my best friend feel unimportant. My FH had two choices for Best man he debated between and chose the previously mentioned because of their long history. He doesn’t have to come to our party weekend if he doesn’t want to, but he does need to start showing some support. So yes I will be having a talk with him or I will let my FH know he should speak up and tell him how this affects him.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah Online ·
    • Flag
    I don’t know your FH’s friends or your FH, but I know if I tried to intervene the way you’re talking about, my FH wouldn’t have those friends anymore because none of them (FH included) put up with being told what to do/where to go/how to behave by their friends’ SOs. I don’t think it’s your place to say anything, and if you do be prepared for it to blow up in your, and your FH’s faces.
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  • Melissa
    VIP September 2019
    Melissa ·
    • Flag
    As a best man, all he needs to do is show up the day of in the required attire. I have already told my fiancé that my brother (a groomsman) most likely will not be attending any bachelor party they throw bc as a teacher at a catholic school, he does not make much and also doesn’t know anyone else and gets anxious. If the BM does not want to go or can’t go for financial reasons, you cant force him. There’s a bunch of reasons why someone may not be able to make an optional trip. I would drop it and just go with whoever has decided to attend. If I was in a wedding and invited on a bachelorette trip that was not local, I would most likely pass on it as well.
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  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
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    Show support how? I think you might be letting your own previous experiences with your BP dropping out/you replacing them tint your feelings about your FH's BM. Is he his friend? Do they care for each other? If yes, I don't know what else you want from him... A wedding is one day. A friendship is years in the making. I think you need some perspective.

    Also, if I were your FH and you got in the middle of me and my friend I'd be livid. And not at the friend....

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  • Fwbride
    Super July 2024
    Fwbride ·
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    Guess my FH said he’s the only one that doesn’t have a passport and doesn’t feel like getting one. Cool ok understandable now. But I’m still not happy with the way he’s treating my FH. I just think my FH deserves better and if that makes me wrong then I am talking to the wrong group of women.
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  • Fwbride
    Super July 2024
    Fwbride ·
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    It’s a good thing you’re not my FH. Lol. Everything I’m talking about on here has been discussed with my FH. I would like to see him support my FH because if their long standing friendship and it should come easily. The guy chose not to come to our engagement because he didn’t want to drive 45 min to our lake. We invited him out to my fhs birthday dinner at a formal place, he came in camo and said barely two words to us. It was only a group of 8 people so the silence was noticeable. I just want to know what his deal is. I don’t understand why someone dropping out of my BP has anything to do with this?
    • Reply
  • Laura
    Dedicated June 2019
    Laura ·
    • Flag

    You asked for advice on "how to stop being a jerk and celebrate your friend" and the girls on here are giving you exactly that. their advice.

    Groomsmen act completely different than a bridesmaids, just because hes not being super outgoing and participating in activities regarding the wedding does not mean hes not being a good friend to your FH. If its something that bothers your fiance then he needs to be the one to say something to him, its not your place, and would ultimately end up making things worse. No dude wants to have a heart to heart with his friends fiance i can promise you that. Said guy could be having personal issues that you both dont know about which could be making him distant.

    bachelor parties are optional, engagement parties are optional, wedding day is not. Let your fiance figure it out, youve got your own wedding party to worry about.

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  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
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    My point was you have had some issues with your BP so maybe you're projecting a little bit...

    If there is an issue with FH and his friend outside of the wedding (ie not talking at a party) that's between him and his friend to talk about. But as far as the wedding, in the opinion of those who commented, not just me, he hasn't done anything wrong.

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  • Fwbride
    Super July 2024
    Fwbride ·
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    I understand what all of you are saying. But if it were happening in front of you and you saw the way it affected your FH I bet you wouldn’t just be like “oh it’s fine”. I can’t ignore it cuz I’m not the type to just let it slide. After reading the comments I might not make it a huge thing, but I will have civial conversation about what might be going on in his life so I can maybe find out why he’s acting the way he is towards my FH.
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  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
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    If you're going to do that I would at least let your FH know first and give him to option to veto. It's his friend after all.

    Best of luck.

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  • Fwbride
    Super July 2024
    Fwbride ·
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    I will. Thanks! Might suggest they do a guys night and talk it out.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah Online ·
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    No I wouldn’t say “oh it’s fine”, but I would do nothing because my FH is an adult. If he is hurt by someone’s behavior and doesn’t want to speak to his friend about it, that’s his choice. I wouldn’t intervene on his behalf because I am not his mother.
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  • H
    Dedicated October 2019
    H ·
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    Is this the guy your FH chose to be best man or another groomsman? If it’s the best man, why would he choose this guy if you or him were going to be unhappy with how flaky he is? Don’t get a pet porcupine if you want something cuddly and lovable. It sounds like you knew what he might be like with all these events and your FH chose him anyway. Totally fine but you can’t be angry with his actions.
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  • Fwbride
    Super July 2024
    Fwbride ·
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    I had no idea he was like that my FH and I only got engaged after 6 months dating so I didn’t get to know his friends all that well. But the times I had spent with him when we were dating it he was fine and engaged in conversation but ever since we got engaged things have changed. The more I talk about it the more I’m starting to realize that maybe he doesn’t like that his BF is getting married and won’t be able to go to strip clubs with him anymore which my FH hates them anyway.
    • Reply
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
    • Flag
    It’s definitely something for your FH to address, not you (only if he wants to). Maybe he can spend some guy time with him and go to a sports bar for a drink. The GM may be super uncomfortable as a single guy doing all these “couple” things with you... dinner at your house, a group trip, etc. To be honest, if it were a combined bachelor/bachelorette party & I didn’t have a serious partner I’d skip it. And I think it’s even harder for guys to attend a group thing alone (one guest flaked on our wedding reception then privately told my hubby with his divorce he just wasn’t ready). Totally ok he doesn’t want to go but maybe your FH can just spend some guy time with him to reconnect.
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  • Fwbride
    Super July 2024
    Fwbride ·
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    There are only 2 couples in our bridal party, me and my FH and his other best friend and his fiancé. I know it’s not because he’s single since he likes one of my BM . The dinner included that same BM. In my previous comment I did say I’ve decided to suggest to FH to take him out and have a conversation about what’s going on in his life. Since he seems to be flaking on everything wedding related I don’t want to let go and have him flake on the wedding. So I think it needs to be addressed one way or another.
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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    Totally agree with you to let your FH handle. Hope it all works out!

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