FH wants only wants close family at ceremony

Definitely don't invite everyone without telling him. I think you should talk with him and explain why you want more people there, and that it's kind of rude to have a big reception (the gift part) without inviting people to witness the ceremony. I think it's fine if its a private ceremony.. but 30 people isn't private. Although if having a larger ceremony will make him super uncomfortable, you need to take his feelings into account. ETA words.

First, do NOT invite people without telling him. It's his wedding, too.

I think here, it's really just a communication issue and while I'm not a psychologist or therapist or anything, I'm talking from experience--if every time you bring up an alternative, he starts an argument, there may be something hiding behind this that he hasn't said yet, perhaps a concern or reason that he is uncomfortable sharing. FH and I were sort of like that about the wedding for a while, but he wanted the big wedding and I wanted small. I had to step back for a few days and then approach him with a rational, logical reason for wanting a small wedding, and we eventually compromised on it. This is just one of many disagreements that you and your FH will go through, so it's a good thing to learn NOW how to discuss and argue without making everything a full-fledged fight. It's kind of a learning experience!

You'll have to start getting moving soon, obviously, with a final guest list, but I think both scenarios you offered are pretty fair. Plenty of people do intimate ceremonies and full receptions, although many think of intimate as being 20 or less. Maybe you can cut that down and that would alleviate some of your guilt? Alternatively, cutting the guest list is always a good idea, in my opinion! But ultimately, you have to do what's right for both of you. Just approach him with your concerns and make sure you're open to hearing his!

No one is going to think anything, and even if they do, it's your wedding ceremony.

Invite immediate family (and no, 30 isn't private....10 is private) and then have the party.

A relative had a very private ceremony with just 4 guests & then held a reception afterwards for about 100 guests. They were very open with their plans so everyone was fine not being invited to the ceremony & still rocked the reception : )

If you are having an intimate ceremony and a larger reception, it really needs to be intimate- immediate family only on both sides. Otherwise, some guests will surely wonder why they were not good enough to witness your ceremony.

I literally gasped reading the idea of inviting people without telling him. I would definitely not be more worried about what the guests think than my FH (which is what this is feeling like). I agree with Celia, have a private ceremony and a big party afterwards. If we did immediate family only it would be 26, so it may still be a slightly bigger group for you guys too, but that's a good move where no one will wonder about it.

I think you should respect what your FH wants.

Inviting people without telling him is the quickest way for him to start questioning whether you are the person he really wants to be with forever, in my opinion. This isn't like sneaking in an extra dessert to the Christmas table, when he doesn't like that kind.

This is a HUGE deal, and honestly if I were against that many people and my FH went behind my back, I would be questioning how much he really loved me, and what else he was doing behind my back.

Also, you should be more worried about what HE thinks than "what people will think", unless by that you mean they will have feelings hurt. But even then he should come first, but he should also be willing to talk about it, as long as you are bringing it up in a completely non-confrontational manner.

Do not invite people without telling him! It's his day too and I'm sure that's not how either of you want to look back on your wedding day. Definitely talk to him about how you feel, but do it soon. You don't have much time.

I just want to point out that my immediate family (parents, siblings, and their families) has 20 people not counting FH and myself, as I have two stepparents and 5 siblings total between the two families, most of whom are married and/or have kids. This number also does not include grandparents.

FH has only has parents, brother, and SIL, so I totally get that some families are tiny.

But please can we stop assuming 30 people is not only close family and maybe a couple of your very best friends? I don't know the OP's situation, but big families are not unheard of, especially since divorce/remarriage and children outside of marriage have become fairly common.

Thanks for the advice!! I talked to my FH about it last night. The 30 did include only immediate family on both sides including my best friends since I've known since college. Our reception has 135 put that does not include all of the plus ones. We are going to sit down this week and review our guest list and make any necessary changes so that we are both happy.

I compromised with my FH after he wanted an intimate ceremony. So we are having 10 guests (parents siblings and grandparents) then having the big reception a month later so we can invite 100-150 people. It has been a win win for both of us and has ended up saving us some money.