fh vs Brides Parents

My situation was slightly similar. We are splitting the costs with our parents, so they accompanied us on all the venue tours. We unanimously chose the venue that we booked (it was very clearly the best one we looked at out of the 5). They also accompanied us on the food tasting at the venue, and they had a say in what our menu would be. They were not involved with the photographer and DJ because they honestly didn't want to go on all these interviews. I would maybe try and sit down with everyone and try to come up with ground rules. I don't know your parents, but do they really want to be that involved with every single detail? Maybe you can all figure out what vendors they care about the most and a budget range for each (like spend no more than X on a DJ, etc). I see your fiance's point that it's your wedding, but at the end of the day....money talks. Hopefully you guys can create a more collaborative situation rather than this idea of you present and they have final say.

Kind of similar - my parents are paying and FH was brought up that whatever he wants he needs to buy so he finds it a little off putting that my parents, especially my dear mom, get a say. My dad couldn’t care less, but my mom is being very helpful, almost overstepping. I’m in a bit of a spot because she’s paying for the whole thing so I can’t really NOT hear her out, but FH is getting a little bit of FOMO, and it’s difficult because he doesn’t want me to say anything to her and he won’t talk to her either.

I realized that could’ve been taken as he won’t talk to her PERIOD. He talks and loves my family, he just doesn’t want to bring up his feeling somewhat left out because he doesn’t want to offend my mom.

My and his parents aren't paying for the wedding at all but they're still opinionated anyway ahah. So I understand that your parents paying for it would make them especially opinionated. There has got to be a middle ground for you all to be happy about. Perhaps you all can narrow it down together.

I had dome issues with my FH initially. I suspect, if yours is anything like mine, he is most likely projecting some frustration. Mine wanted to help plan the wedding, but because of health issurs hasn't really been able to. Have you been including FH in wedding talks or doing regular updates with him? I found that letting FH express gis frustration and then making more effort to include when possible helped to alleviate a bit of that. I think also just him seeing that your parents are probably going to okay your choices will help.

Your parents having a final say is a stipulation to paying for the wedding. They've been clear about that. If he doesn't like it, he should pay for the wedding. It's pretty simple. I'd say your best bet to get him on board is to show him what everything costs lol.

Your parents probably just want a final say due to cost, not due to style or anything else. If they wanted control over the style of things they'd have said so, and wouldn't have told you "do your wedding however you like it just tell us who the venders are before you buy so we can double check." I'd imagine they just don't want to end up paying for a 10k venue when they were thinking more like 6k, same goes with catering, photographer, etc. If your FH really doesn't like this for some reason, maybe ask your parents what their overall budget is instead and tell them you'd rather work to not go over that number than have to check in with them for every venue, but at the end of the day, this is their money, if they want to be apart of the process, that's the price. It sounds like your parents are being extremely relaxed, count yourself lucky with the deal you have. Show him some in law horror stories on weddingwire, maybe that'll make him see how reasonable your parents are being. They don't want any input, just want to OK the vendors that THEIR money is buying? Sounds like they're a dream. It sounds like your FH just doesn't understand wedding etiquette and feels like he deserves this money because he assumes your parents HAVE to pay it, instead of treating it like a gift.

I would print out a very long / detailed check list of everything that needs to get done during wedding planning, and print out some average costs of vendors and other misc. wedding expenses in your area. Present them to your FH, and say that if he doesn't like what your parent's proposed then this is what he can look forward to doing and paying for. I bet he will change his mind real quick, lol.

Wow thats awesome your parents are paying for the wedding. I agree with your parents, you, and your fh. I think just because they are paying for everything does not mean that its only their choice. I think they should come together with you both about the vendor choices and come to some sort of agreement when it comes to vendors, decor, etc. It is not fair to feel like you don't have much of a say in your own wedding.

If he is not there for majority of the planning, does he trust your choice? Maybe you sort it out with your parents when you make decisions and present it to him as YOUR choice?

I think that it is your day. If its final say in regards to being out of budget, thats completely understandable... but if its choosing between vendors who have same price, you should be able to choose. I would sit down and discuss this with them and have an open conversation. Just so everyone is on the same page and no bad blood bubbles.

Our parents are splitting the cost of everything 50/50. The only vendor items they didn't pay for are the engagement photo shoot, the ketubah (Jewish marriage contract) and our wedding bands.

If your parents are paying for the wedding I think it is fair that they get to make some executive decisions if it comes to something being more affordable than another choice...

My parents are helping us pay and I have been taking all of their suggestions into consideration because it wouldn't be possible without their help. Like I asked their opinion before we made any decisions on anything and i would hear them out if they had any disagreements with what we were going to choose.

They haven't told us that they will be making any final decisions but if they did I wouldn't argue with them at all because they don't have to contribute anything and I have always been the type to avoid confrontation.

I've had this discussion with my mom and FH many times. I'm glad both your parents are being upfront about expectations. I do think it's a bit unfair for your parents to have final say. I'd prefer you and your parents plan together and then you and FH discuss to make sure that you guys are happy with the choices. If your parents are unwilling to agree, you need to decline their offer to pay and have a wedding you all can afford on your own.

Do you think you guys can find vendors that everyone is happy with? Maybe he would be in agreement if the deal was that all of you had to agree on each vendor rather than him feel like they get the final say to shoot down something he wants. If everyone agrees, no harm no foul.

View Quoted Comment

^ this!!

He might be more open to the idea if you can convince him that their input is only so that you don't end up going over budget or getting taken advantage of by disreputable vendors. I'm sure they're not actually trying to have the final say in your choices-- it's very reasonable that they'd want to confirm that you were making a reasonable decision when it's coming out of their wallets!

Of course, if they're being unreasonably pushy about certain choices then that's a problem, but it's a problem to take up with your parents, not your FH.