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Just Said Yes October 2021

fh is too concerned with not hurting people's feelings

Allie, on February 12, 2021 at 4:21 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 3

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So, we have two issues, both at least partially related to FH being a bit too much of a people pleaser.

Issue 1: FH has a small group of guys he regularly hangs out with. They are all groomsmen. They keep asking (and FH feels pressure to pick) who will be the best man. The two he/we spend the most time with are currently in conflict with one another, so he doesn't want to pick one and potentially upset the other. He doesn't see the other three guys quite as often and has considered and rejected all three for the position for various reasons. I told him that he can just have all groomsmen if he wants and just dish out the best man responsibilities as they suit the guys or have the two closer friends be co-best men, which would work out nicely as I have both a maid and matron of honor. He still feels pressured to choose someone and he doesn't think the two guys could get along well enough (I disagree). I'm at a loss of how I can support him/help him make a decision. Any ideas?
Issue 2: FH was on the phone with a long time friend and talk of the wedding came up. Friend asked if he could bring his brother to the wedding as his plus one. FH has met friend's brother "maybe two or three times," and I've never met him. Friend also lives with his long term girlfriend, who we've spent time with several times and get along well with. FH sort of demurred and reminded friend of his gf, but never said no. It was weird. FH has brought up inviting Friend's brother in addition to the couple since friend requested the invite, but I'm not willing to give three spots to someone because they wanted to invite someone to my wedding that I've never met while I'm already having to make tough choices and not invite the majority of my college friends. Now I'm at a loss if we should address std/invite to Friend and Girlfriend or Friend and Guest. I'm leaning toward just inviting the gf by name and not bringing up friend's brother unless specifically asked. Is this the correct way to go about it?

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Latest activity by Ashley, on February 12, 2021 at 11:16 PM

VIP November 2021
Allie · on February 12, 2021 at 4:30 PM
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The first situation...they really shouldn't be pressuring him into deciding who the best man will be if he isn't ready to choose...but he also probably should have waited to ask until he had it all figured out. I'm sure they want to know because they want to know who is taking charge of planning his portions of things, and that costs money that maybe they need to make sure they have. It's really not fair of him to not give some kind of answer. It sounds like you've done a lot to show your support to him, but maybe try to explain to him that it wouldn't be fair to pick someone so close to the wedding and expect them to pay for things that they might not be able to afford. Maybe putting it into their perspective could push him along?
Second situation....every guest gets a plus one if that's what you decided. If you didn't specify the girlfriend, unfortunately that means he doesn't have to take her and can take his brother. I'd absolutely not give someone two plus ones though. That sounds ridiculous. So he can take his brother or girlfriend and that's it.
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Expert September 2022
Courtney · on February 12, 2021 at 4:43 PM
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Oof on issue number one. I do think trying to have them be co-best men would be the best route to go. It's easy to explain and say that you have a maid and matron so it's a nice balance if he also has two.
For issue two you should absolutely address the invite to friend and gf name. Especially since they're long-term and you already know the GF's name. Don't feel obligated to invite the brother, that was a rude request of the friend.
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Super October 2021
Ashley · on February 12, 2021 at 11:16 PM
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In order to be a best man, all a guy has to do is wear the right thing, show up on time, and be supportive. Anything else is a bonus, not an obligation. There’s no reason two people cannot share the title. I’ve seen it done several times. They can both give speeches, too, if that’s important to them.
If you don’t want to include the girlfriend since he doesn’t seem to want to bring her, I would just address the Save the Date to the friend only and wait and see what happens. It could be that he and the girlfriend are going through something that he didn’t want to share. Wait until you have to send the invitations to figure out how to address it. I wouldn’t give more than two spots to the friend, though (one for him, one for girlfriend or guest).
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