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Super August 2019

fh inviting his ex crush to our wedding

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Michelle, on June 6, 2019 at 8:49 AM

So I really need to vent and I apologise now that it's so long. I'm pretty upset by the fact that my FH is inviting his ex crush to our wedding. I have never met her before as she lives a few states away but I feel like they are a lot closer than just friends and it's bothering me.

Quick background. The two of them went to high school together and ended up having feelings for each other. They never actually dated but that doesn't mean they couldn't still have feelings for one another. Eventually she moved a few states away but they stayed in touch through social media and phone calls and whatnot. Then 3 years ago, he and I met. A little while into the relationship he was telling me about her and I found out she literally called him about everything under the sun. There were times that she would call while we were together and always needed something. That's where my dislike for her started. All I could think was why does she feel the need to constantly contact him and why does he constantly answer? I even expressed my concerns to him and all I got was "you have nothing to be jealous about" which angered me.

Fast forward to now. After much discussion and arguments, he is still inviting her. I finally decided to come to terms with the fact that she's coming. What I now have a problem with is that he's doing everything in his power to get her to and from the wedding and even asked if she wanted to book a room at the small Inn we are staying in. He asked one of his friends to pick her up from the airport and bring her to the wedding on the morning of the wedding and back the next evening. This friend is not spending the night at our venue which is about 45 minutes from where he lives so if she spends the night he would have to drive all the way back to get her which I feel is unfair to him. My FH's solution? Why doesn't she ride back with us? I was speechless! All I could do was stare at him and then he got mad at me for it. Ugh!

I just feel like he doesn't care at all about my feelings about it all because he can't understand why I feel the way I do. And I'm stressing out about it a lot!

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31 Comments

Devoted April 2018
Karma · on June 6, 2019 at 12:33 PM
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This is something that needs to be talked about STAT! I would highly recommend pre-marital counseling with a mental health professional. I almost think he enjoys you being jealous... meanwhile he tells you it's nothing and they're only friends? That's called gaslighting... and that's extremely harmful to a relationship.
I'm sorry but with this description, it sounds like an emotional affair. She's not an innocent party either. She knows she diverting his attention away from you.
He seems to be going way out of the way to make sure she's at the event, gets escorted everywhere, having her ride with you both AND is nearby your hotel room on your first night as man and wife?!?! So are so many flags here you could have a parade.
If you do not take care of this now... you will have a marriage lacking trust and there will be resentment and suppressed anger. You do not want that.
STOP THIS BEFORE THE WEDDING! I would actually make him 'un'invite this woman or there will be no wedding.
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Super December 2021
Casey · on June 6, 2019 at 2:00 PM
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I agree- you need to deal with this NOW. BEFORE your wedding. Seek couples counseling- he needs to hear from an objective 3rd person. You mentioned your best friend agrees and she just isn't objective (not that I disagree with you or her but she is YOUR best friend.)
This is an affair, even if it isn't physical. Now she's staying at the same inn as you on your wedding night? Believe me, you will be miserable all the way up to the wedding and probably the whole night and until she goes home. Then, you're starting off with resentment, anger, and many more issues in your marriage.
Your relationship has major issues that need to be worked on before you proceed such as gaslighting (as mentioned by Karma), emotional affair, etc.
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Devoted April 2018
Karma · on June 6, 2019 at 3:49 PM
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Thank you, Casey!
Even though he said they never dated but she even contacts him when OP is around... it may not be physical, but who knows what they're texting back and forth... I just don't believe she's only reaching out when she has questions about 'stuff'...
This has my Spidey senses going haywire... my ex-H cheated on me first emotionally then outright physically and I don't want to see this poor girl go through what I did.
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Super December 2021
Casey · on June 6, 2019 at 4:17 PM
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You're welcome! That exact scenario happen with me and an ex boyfriend, too! I could just /tell/. First emotional, then physical. Sometimes you just know. I also don't want her to suffer this- ESPECIALLY if it happens in her wedding night (same in? C'mon...) I sure hope she listens to us all and he gets help/she's his errors and fixes things. Fingers crossed for her!
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Super July 2020
D · on June 6, 2019 at 7:26 PM
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I feel for you. Talk to FH and tell him once again how you feel. Even if you don't have "anything to be jealous about" doesn't mean you have to share a car with her. Make yourself heard and don't just fume. Being passive aggressive won't resolve it. I'm on your side!
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Expert May 2010
Theresa · on June 6, 2019 at 10:46 PM
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In many ways, I think emotional affairs are worse than physical ones. With a physical affair, there is something absolute that you can point to, and not much wiggle room to get out of. Emotional affairs? They can do exactly what your FH is doing, and accuse you of just being jealous, and pretending there's nothing there. From your description, it sounds like he can't function without her input on everything, just like she can't without his.
You are totally justified in being upset by this, and I think it's something you really need to address, to your satisfaction, before the wedding. If you don 't, I think this is going to be the big issue in your marriage for a long time to come.
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Super October 2020
Renee · on June 7, 2019 at 6:01 AM
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The fact that he even suggested that she ride with you guys is absolutely blowing my mind. Wow...just wow. There are a lot of red flags here. I agree with the counseling asap. I would sort that out before you got married and possibly even continue counseling after. I just get a bad gut feeling reading your post and feel like there could be more to their friendship. *hugs* I hope you can work this out
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Dedicated June 2020
Margaret · on June 7, 2019 at 9:11 AM
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Oh no, no. I wouldn't be focusing on him and her right now, I'd be focusing on yourself and how to get out of this. You will not get what you want. You have intuition for a reason. There is nothing normal about this situation. I feel like red flags are being dropped and now is your opportunity to make a very serious decision...
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Savvy December 2015
Woman On The Go · on June 7, 2019 at 10:44 AM
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As per PP, this is an issue you need to deal with asap. It's certainly possible at this point nothing's going on and you've misread the situation or their relationship (best case scenario). I'm sure he's happy to see a friend from hs who also sounds like a confidant. But he's not being respectful of your boundaries or feelings. As for her staying at the same inn and riding with you...honestly, she can rent a car, get a taxi/Uber or whatever. Not his problem, not your problem.
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Dedicated October 2021
Emily · on June 11, 2019 at 10:57 AM
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The fact that he admitted that they had serious feelings for each other makes all of this wrong. I wish I had a picture to show you that my jaw completely dropped when I read that he wanted her to ride with you after the wedding. Like is he serious?!?!?! I would bring to his attention about how things would be if the roles were switched. Sometimes men need that analogy to make it clear through their (thick) skulls :'D Good luck!
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Expert June 2019
MrsJohansson · on June 11, 2019 at 3:50 PM
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When I first read the beginning of the post, I thought this was insecure but relatable. However as I read more, I think your partner is crossing a lot of boundaries... you are feeling the way you feel for a reason. I think your partner is not respectful of your feelings and putting too much focus on this "crush's" comfort, trying to keep her close... your wedding day is not really the time to catch up.

Please, please, PLEASE postpone the wedding until you two resolve this. Go to counselling alone and together if you want to try and make it work. Personally, I'd leave his behind and let him figure out himself if it were me cause he obviously doesn't care how this is impacting you. Wow.
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