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Cassandra
Devoted September 2021

fh Family inviting more people. Please help!

Cassandra, on February 10, 2020 at 7:12 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 16
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My FH and I are starting to get RSVPs in for our wedding. He has a huge family and it was impossible to invite everyone to the wedding. There would have been 80+ people just from his dads side alone. We decided to not invite 2nd cousins and their kids. We didn’t even invite most of his 1st cousins.


However, we did invite all his great aunts and uncles. One of his Great Uncles decided to write in his daughter and her two kids (second cousin and second cousins once removed) into the RSVP and told us to email if it wasn’t possible. I’m so frustrated because we don’t want to cause any drama or hard feelings with family, however we don’t have the budget to invite everyone in his family. We aren’t inviting second cousins so we don’t want to offend the other second cousins or the first cousins who weren’t invited.
Has anyone else had to do deal with a similar situation? What is the best way to politely turn them down?

16 Comments

Latest activity by Cassandra, on February 11, 2020 at 7:15 PM
  • Onya
    Expert October 2020
    Onya ·
    • Flag
    Due to tight limitations on our budget, we've had to be pretty brutal in chopping down our guestlist. I'm so sad that we can't have you there with us on the day, but we look forward to catching up afterwards!
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  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
    • Flag

    The good news is he already opened the door for the conversation where FH calls him and tells him, unfortunately, his daughter and grandchildren are not invited due to guest list limitations, but you're hoping he can still attend. Hold firm....

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  • Light
    Dedicated October 2020
    Light ·
    • Flag
    If we go one person over our limit it's an extra $1,000 so we've had to be super strict. Hold your ground and make to make lists of who's invited the day of!
    • Reply
  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
    • Flag
    Tell him exactly what you just said.


    ”we wish we could have so-and-so there, but we can’t afford to have everyone and we really don’t want to offend the other second cousins and even some first cousins who weren’t invited. Please tell so-and-so we’re sorry and hope to see her soon!”
    • Reply
  • N
    Dedicated July 2020
    N ·
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    Yes I feel ya. This exact same thing is happening on my FHs side (we opted not to include cousins but FHs family wants some to attend-none of mine are invited and my family knows better than to ask lol).


    Luckily we had a few unexpected declines so I’ve reworked it to include the write-Ins to keep the peace but we did not open the invite to others or my cousins. We just are handling it on a on a case by case basis.
    • Reply
  • Cassandra
    Devoted September 2021
    Cassandra ·
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    I guess my one worry is that if we allow one family member to do this, what is to stop the others from doing it to? I just want to be fair to everyone. I wouldn’t even mind his second cousin coming but I think it’s unreasonable that he also RSVPd for her kids
    • Reply
  • N
    Dedicated July 2020
    N ·
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    You are totally valid here in telling them no so I wouldn’t stress about it too much. One of ours also wrote in the kids 🤦‍♀️ (So what was an invite for 2 turned into 5 adults and 1 child). It’s frustrating but my thought is, it’s our wedding it doesn’t have to be 100% fair across the families. If we make an accommodation for one it doesn’t mean we have to for another or go back and invite all the cousins, etc. if we get substantially more wrote ins we’ll start declining them at that point. Right now were staying pretty on budget bc they’re just offsetting the declines. I’ll probably never see some of these people again, so I went with the easy route right now lol.
    • Reply
  • Cassandra
    Devoted September 2021
    Cassandra ·
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    That definitely makes sense! This helps so much. This has really been stressful. I was considering telling them that we will try to accommodate their request if we have extra declines.. we are still waiting on 96 people to respond 😐 lol
    • Reply
  • Taylor
    VIP October 2020
    Taylor ·
    • Flag

    I invited my mom's half siblings but not their children for multiple reasons (we were over numbers already, I've never met them, between the three siblings they have 14 children, etc) These were people that I said "99% sure they won't come" due to distance and financial reasons. Well my mothers half sister (I've met her maybe twice in 23 years and we do not speak) messaged me on Facebook and tried to guilt trip me into allowing her kids to come. It wasn't just one message either. She sent constant messages about how her kids needed to meet me and my mom for 45 minutes. I was polite but firm in my answer. "I'd love to meet them at a later date but as I previously mentioned, we are at our max capacity." Unfortunately you can't control other people and their lack of manners.

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  • Samantha
    VIP October 2020
    Samantha ·
    • Flag

    You should feel no guilt whatsoever in telling them no. You can give a detailed explanation or just say, "We're sorry, but we cannot accommodate your request." I don't know why people think it's okay to invite people to your wedding, but it's so common.

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  • Cassandra
    Devoted September 2021
    Cassandra ·
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    Yeah, I feel like people don't assume or know it's rude sometimes. So I've been trying to be gracious about it. How did the half-sister react after you told her no?

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  • Cassandra
    Devoted September 2021
    Cassandra ·
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    Still building up the courage but I think I'm going to tell them today!

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  • Taylor
    VIP October 2020
    Taylor ·
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    She literally would not leave it alone. She'd respond with a "Well they've never even met their aunt!(my mom)" and "They're getting to the age that they're asking about their cousins and they really want to meet you." I just kept saying the same thing and then I managed to steer the conversation in a different direction. She messaged me the next day and said "Good news! We can make it!" Grreeeeat. Then she messaged me the following week and told me they were all going to travel but her husband was going to stay with the kids the night of the wedding so she could come. She THEN asked if I could hang out with them the day prior to my wedding. *facepalm* No. No I cannot. The nerve that this woman has is completely insane.

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  • Cristy
    Master May 2021
    Cristy ·
    • Flag

    The fact that he wrote to email him if it wasn't possible tells me that he was prepared for this to not be ok. He's taking a chance that you'll allow it. This is extremely rude, of course, for any guest to make such an assumption, but ultimately it's up to you whether you can afford to, or want to host these "other" guests. I don't think you should worry about offending this uncle, as it's clear he's prepared for you to contact him if it's a problem. You should politely explain that you needed to keep it smaller, so unfortunately you couldn't invite everyone, and have no room for extras. Stick to your list.

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  • Cassandra
    Devoted September 2021
    Cassandra ·
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    That definitely made me feel better about telling them no.


    We ended up saying “We are so excited to celebrate our big day with you! We love our entire family and wish we could invite everyone. Unfortunately, due to seat and budget limitations and having a large family, we aren't able to invite everyone. We won't be able to accommodate any additional guests. We hope you both understand.”
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  • Cassandra
    Devoted September 2021
    Cassandra ·
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    Yikes, I feel like people don’t understand etiquette when it comes to weddings. That’s wild...definitely not the day after the wedding unless you’re doing a brunch.
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