fh Against Counseling

Why is he against therapy? My best advice is you going to individual counseling. Working on yourself will benefit you in the long run, regardless of where this relationship goes.

View Quoted Comment He has said that basically he doesn't feel comfortable opening up and potentially breaking down in front of a stranger and that it’s a waste of our money. I understand what he’s saying, but wish he could see my point of view and the potential benefits.


I definitely agree in pursuing individual counseling. I can always work to better myself.

First thing I would do is postpone the wedding. Do not go into a marriage if you aren’t on the same page. Secondly I would tell him that if he isn’t willing to do counseling together that you need to take some time away and then get counseling for yourself. If you don’t fix this before marriage it will alway be there and likely get worse. Good luck.

The daily arguing is a red flag. His unwillingness to open up to a professional in order to improve your relationship is a red flag. He needs to be willing to bring in intervention when it's needed. He needs to be willing to self reflect and identify solutions. He needs to be ok with being vulnerable. You're at an impasse right now. This is not sustainable. And his attitude is one of toxic masculinity. Is he the kind of guy who always holds his feelings in? Not healthy.


I'd first hold off on any wedding plans. Then I'd give him an ultimatum. You both need to be in therapy, whether couples or individual. After some therapy sessions, evaluate your relationship.

Hi ! Is there anyone near you who could talk him into this ? Just someone, a guy friend, someone from his circle (?), who would innocently tell him that it's good to ask for help, especially before the wedding, that counseling can be good for you... Would this be a solution ?

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Yep. This.

Bonus: ask him if he's ok with the daily arguing, and why in the WORLD would he not want to try and fix it?

His "reasons" to avoid counseling are just excuses. The entire POINT of counseling is to support you emotionally and give you a safe place to break down, judgment-free.

Postpone, at the very least.

If he continues to avoid counseling, cancel, and honestly, give good thought to ending the relationship. But, at all times, COMMUNICATE that is what you are doing.

He needs to know the consequences.

My fiancé and I worked through our communication issues without therapy because he grew up in a family where you don't talk about thoughts or feelings at all, so it was even uncomfortable for him to talk to me about it, let alone a therapist. BUT it took 3.5 years and there was a lot of "I don't know if this will work out in the end." It also required both of us to be completely open and honest with each other and being willing to compromise and change in order to make it work.

Especially since you guys are already engaged, I don't really suggest doing it that way unless you're willing to postpone your wedding until you get things under control. I would probably postpone your wedding even if you do go to therapy, though. If you guys can't communicate now it will not magically get better once you're married. If you want to keep trying without getting therapy then I can at least offer up suggestions based on what we did:

First, you guys need to have a heart to heart about if he'll be willing to work on this with you, if not, then it's not worth it. Then you have to figure out what the communication differences are and how you can both work towards compromising. Compromise is important because it lessens the idea that one of you is right while the other is wrong. If you both have things to work towards then you focus on that instead of what the other person is doing wrong. (For example, I always yelled during arguments, which made FH shut down completely. I had to work on keeping my calm and not yelling, and as long as I could do that then he had to say something to me and keep up the communication.) Don't try to take on everything at once. If he's not comfortable opening up about everything at first then come up with what is your definite need from him and he does the same for you. Once you guys have the first portion down, you can move on to other issues, but it's important to find the core issue and work on that first.

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Also, I see a ton of people saying him not being comfortable is a red flag or makes him toxic. There are people who don't grow up in an environment that values therapy and counseling - it's not completely uncommon for people to still believe it makes you a weak, lesser person. When you're already feeling down that's a hard pill to swallow to get help. There's nothing wrong with him not being completely comfortable with the idea, but it does make this harder for both of you, which should be something he needs to seriously consider. Maybe if you go to therapy by yourself first and are willing to share a bit with him he may open up to the idea.

Therapy sounds like the right step.

Love is not enough to make a marriage work. There needs to be communication, trust, respect, shared responsibilities, the ability to resolve conflict, and more.

If your FH refuses to go to counseling and is unwilling to take other steps to make your relationship work, its likely won't work. I don't think people should give ultimatums often, but in this situation it feels like you are at a dead end and counseling may be the way to work through whatever conflicts you are having in a productive way. Perhaps approaching it by asking your FH if he enjoys how your relationship is currently working and if he is happy. If he says yes, then its time to share that you aren't happy with the constant fighting and want to get to a place where that isn't your norm. If he says no, then the follow up is how do we get to the point where we are happy and not fighting constantly. If you discuss together with him the possible solutions, and you've tried other things and they don't work, but therapy is a possible solution you haven't tried then maybe it seems more like an acceptable option to him.

It would also be worth trying to figure out why he is so opposed to therapy. It might be stigma, it might be a past negative experience, it might be the expense, etc. If you can figure out what the opposition is, then you can better work around that and finding a way to try therapy in an approachable way.

Fighting frequently is no good, and legally binding yourselves to one another is not going to magically fix it. This situation can be worked through (depending on the root cause of the arguing and such), but if you aren't both willing to take the steps to work through it, then it's just not going to end well.

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I agree with this, especially the part about not hoping that marriage itself will fix this problem.

Therapy is great for some people, but not for others. Are you seeking someone to mediate these arguments and help you both to resolve these issues, or is he not opening up to you? Would he be more comfortable opening up to a sibling or friend (that you both trust)?

If possible, I'd hold off any more wedding planning and work on your relationship. This isn't a red flag, but it is concerning.

My cousin's husband is the same way. She wanted to do counseling, but he didn't. He said that he didn't need someone to help fix their marriage. They are still together to this day, but they figured it out somehow. You definitely need to find a way to communicate with your FH as to why the daily arguing is not getting fixed. Is he afraid to open up to YOU? Is there something he does not want to discuss at all? Is there a certain topic that he is touchy about? Is there a way to take it step by step without going all in if that is too much for him? But I agree with a lot of what everyone else said on here to post pone the wedding. A marriage is not going to magically FIX IT. You have to fix this now so when you guys do get married you will know how to communicate effectively. Good luck!

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I agree with this 100%. I went to college for psychology/counseling and it can start with you going to individual counseling and getting some communication tools that you can use at home. It could turn out that either the tools you are given help and YOU feel more comfortable with him not going or he will see how the counseling is beneficial and will be more comfortable joining you. Worth a try!

What r u guys fighting about? What’s causing the fights

Would he be open to online therapy! BetterHelp is a really great platform. It isn’t expensive and no one would have to know. Maybe he would compromise and try this?

A part of our wedding getting married in a church is we do marriage counseling with the priest. We know him so I am comfortable with him and my FH doesn't really have a choice lol

In your situation we have been there. He doesn't believe in "counseling" but it is important to communicate. If he's not willing to try between yourselves, maybe you need to put the wedding on hold...maybe he will reconsider trying. It takes 2...

Does he have a mentor- someone he looks up to he could talk to separate from you both for him to just release what his frustrations could be? Maybe will help him open up to talking with you.

I hope things will work out- wedding planning is also stressful we have our bumps- its part of relationships/marriages--- its about if both of you are willing to work on it.