Mrs. Spring
Master April 2021

Feminist/preparing for Divorce Vs. Normal/optimistic

Mrs. Spring, on September 27, 2020 at 12:40 PM Posted in Community Conversations 0 33
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I've always had the desire to keep the legal name that I was born with since childhood. My FH and I have been together for 5 years and he has known this. He just now told me yesterday that he thinks I'm being too uber feminist with wanting to keep my name and he fears my decision to do so is not genuine since he suspects I'm preparing for a "what if?" divorce. Backstory: my dad abandoned his wife and kids (i.e. my mom, me and sibling) about 10 years ago. Other examples he gave was how I wanted to keep our finances separate and how any children we may have will have both of our last nanes hyphenated.


Do you all see this as an issue? Is it wrong to keep finances separate and keep your maiden name? Is it uber feminist? Is it preparing for divorce?Feminist/preparing for Divorce Vs. Normal/optimistic 1Feminist/preparing for Divorce Vs. Normal/optimistic 2

33 Comments

Latest activity by Mrs. Spring, on December 24, 2020 at 5:26 PM
  • Yasmine
    Rockstar October 2020
    Yasmine ·
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    I don’t think that’s a problem. Have you thought about at least hyphenating you’re name? I do see why he would feel some type of way about hyphenating the future kids names though. Is there a reason you would want their names hyphenated instead of having his name?
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    Yes, I thought about hypenating my name but in the end, I'm still CHANGING my name.... which I do not want to do. I can't believe this is still an issue in our country where women are considered free. Even in countries where we're taught it's unfortante to be a woman in (Saudi Arabia), the women does not change her name to her husband's.
    I would prefer for any possible kids to have hyphenated names because I want to pass on both of our heritages to them. Also I used to live in South America, abd this is the norm in Spanish speaking countries for everyone to have hyphenated names, one from mom, one from dad.

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  • Yasmine
    Rockstar October 2020
    Yasmine ·
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    So tell that to your fiancé (if you haven’t already.) It seems like you’ve made your mind up and aren’t willing to compromise on any of it with him so let him know that. It’s not an issue but it’s not wrong for him to feel the way he does just as it’s not wrong for you to not want to take his name. Just assure him that it has nothing to do with divorced.
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  • Cassandra7
    Super August 2006
    Cassandra7 ·
    • Flag

    I've been married 37 years with the same name I was born with (just like my husband has been with the same name he was born with). No problem. Not preparing for divorce. Just being a person.

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  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag
    I do not see an issue with you keeping your name. I kept mine and I know others who did. I’m not some ultra feminist or something like that, I just didn’t want to take his name aha I wanted to keep mine as is. Nothing deeper to it either
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  • Belle
    VIP August 2022
    Belle ·
    • Flag
    I am not keeping my name because of possible divorce. I never thought of a divorce in the first place.


    I am keeping it because I am honoring my family. I just don’t understand changing a name in general. If I change my name, many of my friends will lost contact because they can’t find me under my last name. We travel a lot and we have lived in 3 continents so far. Not to mention how many paperworks I need to do to change my name and proof it each time I need a visa or move to another country. Nah. Too me it’s the hassle, and I am just lazy for that 🤷🏻‍♀️
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar April 2021
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    I’m planning on changing my last name. We’re going to have a joint checking account & he will pay the bills with it. One of my checking accounts is tied to my student loan & I don’t want to mess with that. That account will also be my fun money account. We have kids from previous relationships, are in our late 40’s & definitely won’t have anymore children.
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  • VIP August 2020
    ·
    • Flag
    I definitely don't think it's a problem that you don't want to change your name. Ask him to change HIS name (which is an actual option here) so your family can have a shared name and to prove that HE isn't planning for a "what if," or ask him how he'd feel of you did that. It might help him understand why it's important to you to keep yours.


    For finances, there is a middle ground here that you might want to consider, especially since you're planning to have children. Keep your own separate accounts, but also have joint accounts. For example, my husband and I share an account that (when we both have normal jobs, I'm currently a student) we each put money into, but we still have separate accounts so we can have our own money for things that aren't related to the other person (clothes, hobbies, student loan payments, etc) and to buy gifts for each other. We figured out our combined living expenses (rent, utilities, food) divided it by two and added a little bit for savings, which we've used for things like going on vacation and buying new furniture. I think it could lead to fights if you have to deal with things like figuring out who paid for which kid's last field trip or other random things that come up, and having shared money set aside for that kind of stuff could help you prevent some of those issues while making your spouse feel more secure, without giving him access to every transaction you ever make.
    (If you have vastly different incomes, you could each put a percentage of your income into the shared account instead of dividing your expenses evenly.)
    • Reply
  • C
    Super December 2021
    Casey ·
    • Flag
    There's nothing wrong with either of your two opinions- but they definitely aren't meshing. I do think it's a little unfair of him to change his mind on you, or pretend it was less important to him than it is and suddenly spring that on you. I would be honest, remind him that this is common where you're from, it's about family and heritage. The kids will have both last names, not just yours, so I don't know what his issue is there. As for the finances, lots of couples keep them seperate and they all have their own reasons. I think the last name stuff is very personal and if it's non-negotiable to you that's okay. For the financial, perhaps this can be where you compromise? My FH and I have seperate accounts but 1 joint account. Maybe this would work for you, too? This way you aren't combining finances completely but there are some shared things. How you handle the account is up to you both to decide, but it might help him feel more secure.
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  • A
    Super October 2021
    Ashley ·
    • Flag
    Ask him if the fact that he’s not considering changing his name means he’s preparing for a divorce, too.
    It could be that he feels weird about it since our society has groomed us to believe that it’s just expected to be done that way, and until the 70s, was required. It’s outdated thinking, and you are absolutely not wrong. A name is a huge part of a person’s identity, and you should not be expected to change it because you are a woman.
    I’m not changing mine, and my fiancé knew how I felt about that before we started dating. Either both of us change our names or neither of us do because it’s not fair otherwise. It’s something I feel very strongly about.
    We are also keeping our personal checking accounts and then having one joint account for shared bills such as groceries, electric, etc, so that we don’t have to worry about who is paying what. I handle actually submitting the payments, and I will continue to do that with the joint account.
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  • AshleyR
    Master January 2021
    AshleyR ·
    • Flag
    I would ask him how he’s planning on “proving” to you that he’s committed and not planning for divorce since he isn’t changing his name either.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    I whole heartedly 100 percent agree! Thanks
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    I have compromised in many other ways, such as living away from my friends and family to live in his hometown.
    Thanks for your input to the thread.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    You brought up some valid points. I'll definitely take what you said into consideration.
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
    • Flag
    We have separate finances
    We have a joint savings account and that's it. And that's what works for us. I would sit your FH down and talk to him about why this is important to you (keeping last name and finances) and how important it is to pass along the heritage of both last names and separate finances.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    Thanks for sharing. I'll definitely consider doing joint if we decide to have kids.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    Thanks for your input, Ashley. I agree, our names are a big part of our identity.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    Right. I'm so sick of society's double standards.
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  • Katelyn
    Savvy May 2017
    Katelyn ·
    • Flag

    This may be a major red flag. Most couples divorce because of finances and children, so I highly recommend discussing both and coming to an agreement on both before marriage. On finances, there are lots of ways. We have a joint checking and savings and my husband has a personal account where he transfers a small amount for himself. (I don't have one b/c I hated hating two accounts and I vastly out-earn my husband, so it didn't make sense financially.) Other couples have only a shared savings or none. It's about finding a system that works for both of you. On the name change, I did not change my name because of the history associated with it. A married woman changed her last name to her husband's because she lost her status as distinct legal entity from her husband. (Married women couldn't enter into contracts, own property, or obtain loans in their own names. Some of these restrictions remained in place until the 1960s and 1970s.) My husband didn't want to change his last name, so he respected my choice not to change mine. Any children we have will have his last name and my last name as a middle name. I am proudly an "uber" feminist and personally wouldn't marry someone who thought my being an "uber" feminist was a bad thing or who didn't consider himself a feminist.

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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    Thanks for your contribution to my thread, Jai.
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