Skip to main content

Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

T
Beginner August 2021

Feeling unworthy because of guests declining

TERRACE, on July 22, 2021 at 10:20 AM Posted in Planning 0 20
I’m hoping someone understands how I’m feeling right now about guests declining. I’ve been engaged for almost two years in October, and we have been planning this wedding before COVID.


I’m one of those people who’s lived all over (Pennsylvania, Virginia, Texas, Japan, Seattle, New York…) and with that I’ve made friends all over. I’ve never dreamed of the wedding colors, or the dress, or any of that when I thought of my dream wedding. I only thought about how all the people who shaped me could be in one room witnessing the happiest moment of my life.
But that’s not happening. I lost both of my older brothers to two separate accidents, and I don’t have a relationship with my father so my mom will be walking me down the aisle. When we made the guest list we kept it to 225 guests and that was a tough list to make because there are so many people I wanted there.
Then COVID hit. I made a survey for all the invitees to gauge their comfort level and needs. I gave them insight to all measures we’re taking to keep everyone safe. Based on their answers, we decided to postpone. Then the vaccine came out which many guests answered that’s what they needed to feel safe to attend. But when the RSVPs were due, only 90 of the 225 rsvped “Attending”. What hurts even more is that we’re getting married in Texas but live in Seattle. My fiancé and I are traveling to our wedding, but friends who live two hours from the venue won’t make the trip.
Now after we got the final guest list, even more people are dropping out. I’m embarrassed, disappointed, and a little heartbroken about this. It feels like they just don’t want to come and all my efforts were for nothing. I’m having an identity crisis and reevaluating friendships I thought were real and now doubt. I know part of this is grief. I feel angry that my brothers can’t be there because they’re gone and yet people I invested my time and energy just don’t care enough about me to come.
How do I enjoy this day when I feel so rejected and unlovable?

20 Comments

Latest activity by Janae, on September 26, 2021 at 5:20 PM
  • Yasmine
    Master October 2020
    Yasmine ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I am sorry that you are going through this. Maybe it isn't personal though, I mean COVID is starting to rise again pretty much everywhere. Even those who have the vaccine are still catching and being affected by COVID. Part of the decline could be that people just don't feel safe (especially in Texas as that was ALWAYS a hotspot). I'm not sure why there is so many declines, but try not to let it affect you. You still get to marry your partner and celebrate with the people who will be attending. Try to make the best of it!

    • Reply
  • Jessi
    Super October 2022
    Jessi ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I understand why you're hurt, but none of these people are declining because they've decided they hate you or don't care about you. Especially in the time of Covid stuff is hard for people. Especially with the Delta variant on the rise there are people who were comfortable traveling who are no longer comfortable.

    For some people, driving two hours for an event is too far to go for a night. For others, they'll drive 8 hours no problem. Don't kill your relationships with these people just because they can't come. It may not always seem so, but your wedding will always be more important to you than it will be to anyone else, and that's just how it goes. It's nothing malicious.

    • Reply
  • Jade
    Devoted August 2021
    Jade ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I am so sorry you’re feeling this way 😢💔 I can relate to how you feel, because my FH & I have been planning our wedding for 2 years + I have a small family & only 5 out of 15 family members will be attending my wedding next month. I also have another handful of friends that declined too, but in both cases with family + friends it’s because of covid and/ or some other personal things going on in their lives. Either way, like the person above said maybe it isn’t personal? I know it can come off that way, because trust me I was feeling down too... especially since my fiancé’s has 100 of his family members coming, whereas I only have 5. So your feelings are completely valid, but remember this is YOUR special day!! You’re having your wedding to marry the partner of your dreams & celebrate your love together ❤️ & whoever is there to witness that is exactly who is meant to be there✨ At least that’s how I’m looking at it! Wishing you the best, beautiful soul 🥰 & sending you an abundance of love, peace, & joy💫
    • Reply
  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    In "normal" years there are so many reasons why any one person might be unable to attend a wedding they want to (finances, work schedules, competing events, childcare, health, travel, etc.). Compound that with COVID's effects on all of that and add in the explosion of delayed social obligations suddenly happening this summer and you have 10x the reasons why people might not be able to attend. I would try very hard not to take this personally or you run the risk of ruining your own wedding for yourself.

    Some people like to say that "the people who really care about you will be there" as a way to be reassuring, but I don't think that advice checks out. I have had to miss weddings of people I REALLY care about because of financial or other reasons that I couldn't control. It sucks, but it's life. Your wedding is one (really important) day, but the best relationships are (hopefully) for life. Don't throw away relationships just because someone can't make it to your wedding.

    • Reply
  • T
    Beginner August 2021
    TERRACE ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you, Maggie. This really helps me understand a different perspective. I think I’ve cling to the idea that if they cared they’d be there. But I agree with you. I really don’t want to focus on everyone not there and miss out on my wedding. That’s my biggest fear.
    • Reply
  • Ellen
    Devoted October 2021
    Ellen ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. If it’s any comfort, COVID is rearing it’s head again and some people are concerned about catching it and giving it to a vulnerable loved one. I’m inviting around 80 or so people and I already have an idea who might decline. Try not to view it as personal, I just figure people have busy lives and when things opened up again people also planned trips to get away. I hope more respond soon!
    • Reply
  • Jessica
    Dedicated October 2021
    Jessica ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I actually disagree with the other posters and I think it’s ok to reevaluate your friendships with some of these people. I’m the type of person who flew to attend all of my friends’ weddings and a lot of them are less than enthusiastic about my wedding which is driving-distance away. Some friendships change over the years and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean it has to be a big blowout or confrontation, but you know where they stand.


    With that being said, we can’t control other people’s behavior, only our reactions to it. Focus on the people you have there. No need to tell anyone how many were originally invited. Your venue will make the number of guests work for the space. You will still have an amazing time with the people who are there. And you’ll actually get to spend time with your guests instead of barely being able to say hi to each person.
    • Reply
  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    I agree with Maggie.... I hate it so much when people on this site claim, "those who love/care about you will be there no matter what." Oh, my goodness, in the best of non-Covid times that's not true, and certainly in our current craziness it is absolutely not true. People who love you to the end of time just may not be able to attend, but that doesn't mean they don't care about you. A very close family member is now battling Covid.... The current rise in cases is real and scary, and it seems likely there may be new closures or restrictions, at least in some parts of the country. I completely understand being disappointed, and agree with your assessment that your grief over losing your dear brothers has to be almost overwhelming, but please, for your sake, try not to take declines personally. Those who've declined may be fearful, cautious, struggling financially or emotionally, they may have limited time off or conflicts with work, childcare, other events, etc. Hang in! Your day will be beautiful regardless of how many people are there with you. Smiley heart

    • Reply
  • B
    Savvy October 2021
    Brittany ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I understand that your mind immediately jumps to "why won't they come and support me"… but the truth is probably more that people's lives are in difficult places right now. It's not really about you or their love for you. So many people have been touched by this pandemic and are still grappling with loss of some kind… I hope you can forgive the friends and family who can't come, and enjoy the time you have with those who are able to make it.

    One idea that could include more people - have you thought of doing a Zoom component? Maybe that would allow some of those "no"-RSVPs to still join and celebrate you. Just a thought!

    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Expert December 2021
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    You're getting married to someone you love and who loves you. That's what matters and what's important. If literally only the two of you show up then there's more food, booze, and dance floor for yall to have fun with! Just breathe and be flexible Smiley smile
    • Reply
  • Janessa
    Dedicated November 2022
    Janessa ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I would say if they cannot make you a priority then you don’t need to make them .. family, friends whatever . Whomever is going to be there is what counts and even if it’s the two of you or 10 ppl make the adjustments now . Could consider an elopement or a minimony
    • Reply
  • Vale
    Dedicated October 2021
    Vale ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    One thing I've realized is that your wedding is one of the most important days of YOUR life, but as much as other people may love and adore you and value your friendship, some people just can't be there physically, whether for health, financial, or schedule reasons. As many people already said, that's in no way a reflection on how they feel about you. With a 200+ person guest list, especially in times like this, with people being overly cautious with the Delta Variant of Covid on the rise and people still possibly recovering from income loss, plus having to spend money on plane tickets as well as gifts, it can be a lot. For that reason, my fiance and I are doing a Facebook Live stream of the ceremony and reception. That way everyone can see it and be part of it, but we had to cut our guest list in half because of social distance requirements from the venue. I also put out a very honest post to everyone that we would not in ANY way be upset or hurt if people can't make it, and told them that an invitation is not an obligation, if they would rather watch the Live Feed, we were totally fine with that (PLUS, less expense on our end, less dinners to pay for!)


    I know you want everyone who matters in your life yo be there, I was that way too, in the early stages, then I realized that as long as I get to wear that gorgeous dress, marry my amazing fiance, dance, eat, take wonderful photos, spend time with the people who ARE able to make it, that's what matters. ♡
    • Reply
  • T
    Beginner August 2021
    TERRACE ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I wish I could edit this post (can’t figure out how) but now I feel horrible. I feel like most people commenting think I’m ignoring my guests safety with COVID, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. There are plenty of guests who reached out and explained their circumstances and I actually feel like our friendship strengthened because they took the time to think about how hard this is for me as I was given the chance to understand their struggles. It’s been financial, mental health from the pandemic, and health issues which I completely understand.
    But there are also friends who live close to the venue, and post their outings with no masks who live their lives like there is no COVID and still RSVPed decline without an additional word. I have spent a lot of my years giving people grace and being taken advantage of because of it. I feel like I have a right to be upset. And I know I should not direct my anger and disappointment at my guests. I don’t blame most of them. There’s only a small handful that hurt me. I’m angry at myself. I’m angry that I put it in my head that after all the horrible things I’ve gone through in my life, all the trauma and loss, that I for some stupid reason my wedding day would be the day all those friends would come together and celebrate me and I wouldn’t feel pain anymore. I have always shown up for them. I’ve traveled across country to weddings because I needed to be there to witness their day and cheer for them. I’m not a selfish person. I just really wanted empathy and support from fellow brides and I feel like I need to just disappear.
    But I’ll take a deep breath, and do my best to be better. I’m sorry if I made anyone annoyed with my post. I’m sorry.
    • Reply
  • T
    Beginner August 2021
    TERRACE ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    I really appreciate this. Thank you for letting me be upset. 💞
    • Reply
  • T
    Beginner August 2021
    TERRACE ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you, Jessica. This is exactly what I need to learn. I want to spend that day focusing on the guests there who made it no matter what. I’ve been having a lot of therapy understanding my self worth and reevaluating past friendships. I need to remember to focus on the friendships I can trust. Thank you for understanding me and your kind advice.
    • Reply
  • E
    Super July 2023
    Eniale ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    This said everything I wanted to say.

    • Reply
  • M
    Expert April 2021
    Melody ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    First, I am so sorry for the pain you're dealing with. Losing family is always hard, and can definitely create extra anger and grief in times that are supposed to be happy. I remember being so mad leading up to my high school graduation because my grandpa had passed the summer before my junior year, so obviously he wouldn't be there. I was closer to him than anyone else in my family, but I am also the youngest. He was there for my cousin's graduation and my sister's. I was the only person who didn't have him there for that event. Or for my 18th birthday. That knowledge made the run-up to those events so much harder than they should have been.

    Add that pain and anger to the number of declines you've received and I completely understand how it might make one feel less loved and even more hurt. I always try to advocate compassion and understanding wherever possible. Goodness knows I've needed compassion and grace many times myself. To that end, there are so many reasons why people decline and the thing I had to struggle to remind myself leading up to my wedding was that they didn't owe me an explanation. An explanation can sometimes help the hurt if the guest chooses to give it, but it's never something required of them. For you, I love that some of the people did reach out and it sounds like you're understanding of and sensitive to their situation.

    For the friends who live closer to the venue but have declined, maybe they were already committed to another event on that day. Perhaps they feel like the relationship has kind of fizzled out and you guys just aren't that close anymore. I'll agree with Jessica here - that does happen and, though it may hurt, it's completely okay. I made some friends through line dancing when they lived in the area to go to the local college. We would hang out on weekends, travel to other dance events together, and were generally really close. After they graduated and moved away our only real contact was commenting on each other's FB posts. 2 of them got married before I did and I wasn't invited to either wedding. It kind of stung at the time, but sometimes distance just makes those friendships fizzle.

    You are absolutely allowed to feel how you feel. Those feelings are completely valid. I would encourage you to focus on the good things that are right in front of you. You've found your person - the one you're about to make a commitment to spend the rest of your life with. That is HUGE and matters so much more than the guest list. The important thing on that day is that you begin it with the legal status of single and end it with a spouse whom you love. That's what I had to keep telling myself, and honestly the day was absolutely perfect because of it.

    • Reply
  • T
    Beginner August 2021
    TERRACE ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    This helped ease my mind. Thank you for your kind words and wisdom. I really do believe it’s grief and I agree friendships fizzle and that’s ok. I’ll try to focus on the friends who wouldn’t miss this day for the world, spend more time celebrating them. They’re my favorite people. Thank you for understanding. Smiley smile
    • Reply
  • T
    Dedicated October 2021
    Tammy ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    The best wedding I ever went to had 10 people there. The reason it was the most intimate and vulnerable wedding because they were all so comfortable with each other. Larger weddings don't necessarily mean better, they mean a ton of meet and great and time spent apart from your spouse greeting all these people who have traveled to see you. So look at it as a possible blessing that will encourage more quality time with you and your spouse during the wedding. As far as guests declining, covid is definitely a thing and people don't want to be in large groups. A large indoor wedding would be a no go for me personally no matter how much I loved you. With so many people struggling financially, physically or in their relationships there is probably a smorgasbord of reasons why and just accept its not personal. But if there are a few people like the couple you mentioned a couple hours away, why don't you check in with them, especially if it's been a while. just say hey I noticed you can't make the wedding and I just wanted to check in with you since we won't have the chance to catch up. Don't monopolize the convo with talk about the wedding if asked just say your excited and the planning is going well then divert the convo back to your friend and listen, you will probably learn why without having to come right out and ask. You can end with letting them know how much you value them and that they will be missed. Hopefully connecting with your friend will make you feel closer and valued as well and remove the sting. If it doesn't and the convo revealed its something else then put it aside for now and you can reevaluate it after the wedding.
    • Reply
  • J
    Dedicated October 2021
    Janae ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Hello when is your wedding date? I understand how u feel we were planning on having 80 and it's looking like 48 people will come. I do understand people's reasons for not coming, just don't take it to heart.
    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics