Feeling uncomfortable with future in-laws due to different backgrounds and I'm worried about other things

Okay first- I agree with everyone else. You seriously need counseling. Going to counseling is for those with "mental health issues or trauma"? Outdated, wrong, and insulting.
Also, you CLEARLY have trauma. You keep saying how "society" will push these views and etc.. But Morgan, it's you. Read your own responses- does that sound like someone who isn't obsessed with who is inputting more money?? Sure sounds like you're obsessed with whose pockets jingle the most to me.
I think you need counseling, and to look inward. I also honestly don't think you sound ready for kids yet. I can't imagine my mother telling me I couldn't get the counseling I need to live a better, fuller, happier life because it would bring imaginary shame to our family. If these are the messages and feelings you'll be ingraining into your children then they will also need therapy (harsh but true, I'm sorry.)
Also, drop your stigma around therapy! There is nothing wrong with it and honestly almost every person ever would benefit from at least some therapy in their life because it isn't just for "unwell" people. For example- couples counseling is NOT just for unhappy couples on the verge of breaking up. It's more of a routine tune up many seek before marriage to make a great thing even better! Honestly, individual and couples therapy for you would probably be ideal.
Again, 60s/Pirate, MOB, Iva, Sarah, Cassidy, Naikesha and more have all given plenty of sound advice. I hope you listen. I hope you read your own responses and see who is REALLY putting their value in money (hint: you.)

I'll add one more thing. As my screen name suggests, I'm a recent mother-of-the-bride. I couldn't care less if daughter's fiance came from a family with fewer financial resources than daughter did -- that would mean absolutely nothing to us. However, I, honestly, would be very concerned if her fiance seemed to have very low self-esteem (related to finances or whatever else). Low self-esteem is often at the root of some unhealthy choices, like infidelity, substance abuse, etc. Basic psychology tells us that people who "feel unworthy" are often endlessly seeking some thing or some one to "make them feel worthy." I would not want that for daughter. Regardless of where we come from, healthy self-esteem and reasonable self-confidence greatly increase the odds that we will be happy and successful in our lives and relationships. I don't say this to be cruel or rude to you, but based on what you've shared here, I think you might find tremendous benefit in seeking help in coming to love and appreciate who you are and where you've come from.

We are the same way. I just finished college at 36 with student loans. My mother works at a Walgreens. I'm the first of her kids to get a college degree. His parents paid for all 3 boys to go to school. One has a doctorate, one a masters, and one a bachelors. His parents have been extremely generous over the years and even for the wedding. But they do it out of love. They don't think they're better than my family. His parents love my family and so do his brothers. We can't control these things but just be happy they care about you and your relationship.

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I don't really know whether my fiancee's inlaws do out of love. They probably do secretly think they're better than my parents. They have made comments that it's sad that my parents couldn't take my brother and I on vacations or to concerts or pro sports events.

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Look I don't make an unhealthy choices. I'm not much of a drinker and I have no desire to cheat on my fiancee.

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Not suggesting you would, just sharing from this parent's perspective, personally, I'd be much more concerned about what might be perceived as a lack of healthy/appropriate self-esteem in a future SIL or DIL, than I would be by differences in financial resources. From what you've shared about your accomplishments, you've done a lot that should make you feel very self-confident and self-assured about your future prospects, but what you're writing suggests you feel like you and your family are inadequate compared with your fiance's family -- and others (school friends, etc.) -- strictly due to financial issues. If that's true, I feel very sad for you. I'm sorry you didn't get to experience some things, yet, in your life, but there is truly no dollar value on self-worth. If your fiance's parents suddenly lost their financial stability, would you think less of them as people? I'm guessing, not. Flip that scenario around, and ask yourself why you believe they might think less of you? As a parent, I'm much more impressed by someone who worked their way through school than I am by someone whose parents paid for everything. (And, I'm a college professor, so this is an issue I am very familiar with. In my experience, students who "pay their own way" tend to work harder and value their education more, than some of those I've encountered whose parents paid for everything.) Like I've said in a couple of posts, to a great extent, the issue is about looking at the same "facts" from a different perspective. One could say "I was disadvantaged because my parents couldn't afford to pay for my education," or "there were tremendous advantages (e.g., increased sense of accomplishment, independence, better time management, humility, etc.) that I gained by paying my own way." Those advantages are all STRENGTHS that you bring to every relationship and experience that someone else may not have. You get to choose which perspective you take. Good luck to you!

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So? That doesn't mean that they secretly think they're better than your parents. It only means that they think it's sad that your family wasn't able to go on vacations. YOU yourself feel the same way - you're sad that you haven't been able to go on vacations or to concerts or other events. Stop assigning judgment and values to neutral comments that they say. You are unfairly maligning them by doing so. You have given no evidence here at all that they actually look down on either you or your parents. This is all about your issues around money and your past, not them.

I'm going to be really frank - you need therapy. You have major hangups about money and it's coloring every interaction you have with your inlaws and major decisions that you're making in your everyday life as well as decisions about your future that will affect not just you but also your future wife and future children. Every statement and action made by your FILs is given the worst possible inflection by you. Why do you automatically assume the worst? This is something you need to work through in therapy.

Speaking of your future wife, where is she in all this? You mention her, but not much about what she wants and feels. Does she want the college funds? Does she want to accept the down payment offer? Why do you talk about these issues like you get the final say? How does she feel when you turn down every single present, no matter how big or small, from her parents? When you assume that her parents are looking down on you and her parents? Do your choices routinely negatively affect her? How does she feel about that? You talk about her not understanding your perspective; do you understand her? Are you trying to?

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I didn't say anything about getting the final say. She wants the assistance from her parents, but she doesn't understand that it makes me uncomfortable and useless like I'm not good enough in her parents' eyes. She doesn't get mad when I refused presents because I've said that i never received any kinds of expensive gifts.

Like I said before her parents say things like it's sad how my parents weren't able to take me on vacations or other places. That to me is looking down on us.

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Other than finishing college, I haven't really accomplished anything in my life.

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Also part of the reason I don't want accept help with a house down payment is because it also seems like her parents have zero confidence that we can get a house on your own. It's hard to have people basically think you need their help for something that you can do own your own.

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It's hard to view my future in-laws as blessing when they have much more resources than my own family does. It kills me that my parents can't do anything major to have an impact on my life and lives of my future children. it hurts like hell that my parents will have to painfully know and see her parents doing so much while they can't do anything for us.

It's not really clear what you're looking for with this post/thread. People have made suggestions for ways you might address/rethink your concerns. You don't seem open to any of those suggestions. Basically, it seems, based on what you're posting*, like you're convinced your future in-laws (and maybe your fiance?) don't think you're good enough for her and "look down" on you and your family. If that's the case, then maybe you should break it off and look for someone you feel is more similar to you. Personally, I don't think that's what you should do. I think you should get some help to reframe how you're seeing yourself and your family's finances, because I think you are putting much more emphasis on that than I'd guess your current future in-laws are, but you seem VERY set in your thinking and unwilling to consider any other positions/suggestions. I'm not sure what you're looking for people to tell you, "You're worthless because you don't come from money"? I don't think that's true by a long shot, but based on your posts, that's what it seems like you believe. Good luck!

* I'm sometimes suspicious that some threads are "social experiments" rather than legitimate posts; I'm starting to think this is one of those.

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Society does push those views. You'll find a bunch of people like me who have to deal with people constantly shoving travel pictures all over Facebook and other social media sites. It sucks that even at 35, I still get envious seeing friends to going to NFL games, vacations to Hawaii, Europe, and other places while I've only been to two American states and have never gone to a major sporting event.

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As an alternative, you could stop looking at Facebook and avoid that means of "society" pushing its views on you.

View Quoted Comment I'm going to refer you to MOB's last post because it fits what I would write as a reply now to a T.
You seem hellbent on not being open to.aby other ideas/view points/encouragement or suggestions/compromises or literally anything. At this point this thread has become a pity party. I'm sorry to be harsh but I don't know what else to tell you. You also seem to not reply to anyone's full comment and instead hyper focus/only reply to one piece. Your reply here- you ignored everything I wrote and replied only that (in short) "you're wrong, I'm right, society does."
Honestly, I hardly feel like writing another counter point reply because (as pointed out above) it doesn't seem to do any good or hardly even get read/acknowledged.

That being said- I will add two things and (like Vicky) I'll be blunt here. First, you have to DEAL with people sharing their (what I'd call) "highlight reels" on FB/social media? Guess what? EVERYONE does. Pretty much everyone posts only the good/the best on social media! And anyone who is their friend/follower sees it! Fun bonus, you don't HAVE to see it! You can unfollow, unfriend, or straight up delete social media! Congratulations, fixed! Even more fun fact: they are shoving anything in your face. They're likely sharing because they are excited and assume (rightfully so) that if you follow or friend them that you WANT to see what they're up to in life and if you're friends they probably assume you're actually happy for them!
Second, I'll let you in a secret: lots of people feel envious seeing other people do fun and expensive stuff. It's human nature. However, yours seems wildly imbalanced and unchecked. You need therapy, seriously. Listen to all of us trying to help you. Envy and jealousy are natural, normal emotions. However, letting them get this much control over you and your life ISN'T.

I really hope you listen and get the help you need to live a happier life, I really do.

They AREN'T shoving* darn, that's an important word to have a typo.

So, my father is a therapist.

I've been to therapy. My FH is in therapy. We've been to couples' counseling.

YOU NEED THERAPY.

This is not shameful. This is not a bad thing. It is a thing you do to get healthy.

Would you not go to the hospital if you had a broken leg?

Your brain is an organ, and it's clearly got anxiety and/or depression. The fun part is, we have ways to fix that! We have medication and talk therapy. Both of which require a doctor for your brain.

Deciding you *know* what everyone else thinks of you, that *society* pushes things on you and you can't possibly push back, that you can't talk to your FW about any of this...

Yeah, not to be rude, but you'll be in divorce court a lot faster than you think. And you'll still need therapy.

Please. Google mental health resources in your area, and get yourself to a competent mental health provider. There are often low-cost options through universities and other similar organizations.

Honestly I would accept the help. You’re saying your parents will be viewed as failures, but by who? Have your FS or her parents said that? Everyone comes from a different background, and I would be happy if they were trying to help me get ahead and let my children get ahead. They want you, your future kids, and their daughter to be happy and comfortable. Life is much easier with money, struggling financially is so tough.

My mom didn’t start working til I was in elementary because what she would have made would have been less than childcare costs. My dad was laid off from his jobs multiple times because his positions became obsolete. Money was a struggle for sure. I went to grad school, and I’m now I’m about 85k in debt. My parents couldn’t help. My fiancé was even worse off in a sense growing up financially. My grandfather left my mom some money, and she was gracious enough to buy a condo to let us live in for relatively cheap (only $800/month for a 2 bed, 2 full bath) because she knows how hard it is to start off a marriage being poor. Accept the help and be grateful. Don’t put yourself in a position where you’ll be struggling.

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Morgan, please stop comparing the two families. Comparing/competing will drive anyone crazy. It's very unhealthy. Ok, I really suggest some counseling so you can understand a person's impact is so far beyond money. Your parents, if kind, fun, interested in your kids, will have a HUGE amazing impact.

I really think counseling will help you go into your marriage with a healthier belief system around money which will create a healthier marriage and relationship with both families.