Feeling hurt after being excluded from sister's bridal party

This is a tough one. I understand you being hurt but I think you should just be happy for your sister and happy to be invited to the wedding and celebrate the day with her. I do not believe she is using you. She just wants to keep it small and cheap that is totally okay. You can always talk to her about how you feel and see what she has to say. But that is just my opinion. Feel free to take it our leave it =) Good Luck!

I feel the age thing is something very real to her. If you have children, she may feel that your time could be better spent with them. It SUCKS that she chose two other sisters, but she didn't include the other sister either. Also I'd just ask her. And it's obvious she still likes you, but I'm wondering why she didn't even invite you dress shopping just leaving from your house. I have a relationship with my sister that I'd literally just ask her why she chose her bp and didn't include, as I was her MOH and expect her to be mine.

I am having the same problem only I will be the bride. I'm trying to decide if my step sister should be in my wedding party. From your prospective I would say let it go, I'm sure she's trying to include all her sisters in some way shape or form into her wedding.

I am sorry for how you feel; that must be hard. With all those siblings, I can't imagine it was an easy decision for her. Maybe asking you and sister #3 to help was, in her mind, a way to include you. (of course not the best way) If she was avoiding telling you, I am sure it was tough for her to make the decision.

I would still host the bridal shower since you've offered. Maybe next time you two are together you can casually bring it up and see what she says? Maybe since you and the other sisters are bit older she felt you may not be interested?

Try not to take it personally; I'm sure your sister is trying her best to handle situations she may not fully know how to deal with.

This is a very tough one. I'm not having my sister in my wedding but I'm having my SIL and FSIL. This is because my sister and I haven't had the best relationship and I don't trust her to not cause a scene. I also have not included her in anything wedding related because I don't want to get her hopes up. I don't want her included in the wedding and neither does FH. But from what you've said, it seems like you and your sister do have a good relationship. I completely understand why you're hurt but, I think this is something you should talk to her about if it's really bothering you.

I'm torn between thinking she's using you (asking you to host the wedding in your home, sleeping over without asking, using your house as a meeting place), and trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she's immature and unable to have tough conversations. And it is obviously a tough conversation, since you're very excited for her wedding and she hasn't asked you to be a BM.

I would not ask her what your role will be in the wedding, since she may not have one for you other than "guest". Maybe there will be a reading, maybe you'll escort mom down the aisle, maybe you'll be asked to hand out programs. You don't have to accept any of these roles if you don't want to. As for the shower, it would be petty to not host it now, since you already offered and the only reason you're reconsidering is because you're not in the WP. Maybe you and your other sisters can co-host it together to take some of the financial pressure off.

I think you should still host the bridal shower but I think your feelings are valid. I’d be hurt if I was good enough to host the “Meetup before dress shopping” location only to be left behind for actual dress shopping. Try not to think your age or aesthetics have anything to do with it. If that were true, she’d be awful but I think she just behaved thoughtlessly.

I also think you should set some boundaries and distance. Not as punishment but for your own self respect. At the rate she’s going you’re going to end up staying up late crafting favors, diy projects, what have you. You just have to start saying NO. Your home is no longer a meet up place for you to be left behind.

I am sorry you've been hurt. I completely understand why you feel hurt about not being included in your sister's BP, when she did choose some of her other sisters.

It sounds like she chose the sisters closer to her in age. I guess it's possible she figured that since you and the other older sisters are significantly older than her, you wouldn't be interested in being a BM. Obviously, that was a wrong assumption. Maybe she felt she was including you by asking you and one of the other older sisters to help with the food (though really, she's asked you guys to work her wedding, and realistically, that means you'll miss out on the celebration because you're so busy doing what she should get hiring a caterer to do). What she's failed to consider, it seems, is that this makes you feel like Cinderella, having to do all the work while she and the other sisters seem to get to go enjoy the ball.

I think it was in poor taste to have her BP come pick her up from your house to go dress shopping. That's awkward that this was how she chose to share with you that you're not in her BP.

On the other hand, it's up to the bride who she asks to be in her BP. She's under no obligation to ask certain people to be in her wedding. She's not wrong for not asking you to be a BM. It does sound, though, like she could have handled it better.

I think the best thing you can do is decide what it is that you are comfortable with. Was throwing the shower something you honestly were excited to do for her? If so, go ahead and do it. Showers aren't bthrien with strings attached. They are thrown by people who want to do something special for something close to them who is getting married. But if you are feeling like the shower was something you were just expected to do and it isn't something you really wanted to do, then I think it's okay to rethink whether you want to actually throw it. Bridal showers are optional. They happen if someone offers to do it for the bride. People aren't supposed to be assigned the duty of throwing a shower or made to feel like they are obligated to throw one. It is supposed to be a gesture on the part of the host...and completely the host's idea. If that wasn't the case and you are feeling used and resentful over having to throw this shower, it may be better for you if you told your sister that after some more thought, you realized throwing her shower isn't something you're able to do, after all.

View Quoted Comment Yes! It sounds like she is used to leaning on you for things without considering your needs or feelings anyway, and you don't have to help her if it is not convenient for you. Maybe that sounds cold but it will help your emotional well-being to not always say yes to her. And I would say the same thing even if you were going to be a BM.

View Quoted Comment Wow I completely agree about the bridal shower. After reading your comment I realized that the bridal shower did seem like an expected “compromise” for not hosting the reception.

I think your feelings are valid. While she didn't have to ask you to be a BM, I think it's rude to ask for so much of you - asking if the wedding can be on your property and you and the other sister cook the meal (that is a HUGE undertaking and it was wrong of her to ask), asking you to host the shower, asking for everyone to stay at your house before dress shopping, etc., but not give you the honor of being a BM. It does seem like she is using you. To be honest, I would not want to host the shower after that but that is probably petty!

View Quoted Comment Yeah, I feel like it could go either way. OP said no to hosting the wedding at her home, so possibly the bride countered by asking, " will you host my shower, instead?" Or it's entirely possible OP really wanted to do something special for her sister and offered to host a bridal shower because it was something she was willing and able to do. I do get the feeling that OP has always considered her little sister to be very special to her, so it's very possible OP didn't feel like her arm was being twisted to host a shower when she declined to host the actual wedding. Though, given what the bride has asked of OP, it's just as possible that OP felt she had to offer to host the shower as a compromise.

If it we're me, I think I'd probably honor my offer to throw the shower, either way. I just don't know that I'd pull out all the stops for it if this us more of the case where I felt I had to because I said no to having the wedding at my house.

View Quoted Comment So true! No to glitter slaves.

Just curious OP: did another family member end up hosting the 120 guest wedding at their property or did they find a venue?

Your feelings are valid, and leaving from your house to the dress shopping was just plain rude. I can't imagine how badly that hurt. BUT, I'm the same age as your sister and it would never occur to me, no matter how close I was to somebody, to include some one in their 40's in my BP. Not for "aesthetics" but for the simple reason that I would just assume you would HATE to feel obligated to be in the wedding. I'm sure everybody in her BP is around the same age, and she didn't think much beyond that. It was careless, for sure, but not malicious as far as I can tell.

I completely understand how you feel. I thought I was going to be a BM, in a close friend's wedding. But, that was not the case. I was sad at first, but I got over it eventually. We have grown a part since there. I feel like your sister wants the family to do, a lot for her wedding.

View Quoted Comment Glitter slaves! Love it! I'm now imagining little pixies making decorations and addressing invitations

I don't think she is using you at all. It has to be difficult with such a large family. It seems like she is trying to include you in different ways.

Thank you everyone for replying with such thoughtful comments.

Just to clarify, the wedding is planned for this coming August. Shortly following her engagement (this past Fall) was the time she asked me to host/cook for her wedding but I declined. I talked it over with my husband and we agreed it wasn't a good place so then I offered to host the shower. After reading your comments and a little more thought, I will host her shower but I'm going to make sure others chip in with the work and expense.

I do feel slighted but I think my sister is just oblivious to how her choices have effected me and when the time is right, when I no longer feel emotional, I'll talk to her about how I am/was feeling.

I remember years ago when I got married, I made poor choices when I assigned readings for the ceremony and it caused hurt feelings.

You live and learn! Thank you again everyone for taking time from your day to write. It's appreciated.