Feeling guilty

You really can’t put this on yourself. You are paying for your wedding, you said you’ve been helping your mom, you postponed your wedding already, it’s enough. You can & should always help your mom whenever you can, but you cannot feel guilty about living your life, or even worse, put your life on hold for it.

Your brothers are 18 & graduating. They can get jobs & help support themselves. Again, as older sister, you can help them with advice or with job search maybe, etc. But you need to live your life too & live it without guilt 🙂

View Quoted Comment Thats how I feel and every time I talk to her she cries and says she can't buy groceries or pay the phone bill and says I want your brothers to have what you did. (I had 2 jobs and moved out before I even graduated HS) I supported myself and I get angry because I see no reason why they csnt step up and support themselves. I feel so terrible that I'm not helping her like she wants and needs me to but I'm already stretched sooo thin. Everytime I talk to her she tells me they need graduation clothes and she doesnt have the money. They need their phones paid and cant do it. Like it makes me feel guilty to say I cant help but then she blows up at me saying she didnt ask for it but you kinda did? It's one big guilt trip and when I say that she gets even angrier. Like I have my pictures and hair trail this weekend and regular and wedding Bill's. I'm broke to! I don't wanna sacrifice for her anymore which makes me feel terrible because shes my mom

Yes, Iva put it wonderfully ❤️ So sorry you're feeling like this

Honestly, it's clear that you love your mother, but she really shouldn't be guilting you with these burdens. It kind of sounds like she's purposefully calling you to tell you how she can't afford this and that in an effort to get you to pay for it. I understand wanting to help your family. However, at the end of the day, it isn't your responsibility. Your responsibility is to yourself and your FH. Since you have been providing for yourself since before you were an adult, it sounds like this is a bigger issue that your mother needs to work on herself. Also, if your brothers need to step up and start covering some of their own costs as well.

View Quoted Comment Sorry to hear, Crystal. It sounds like you have been conditioned to feel guilty by your mom over the years probably. This is never fair to children. If possible, I’d recommend talking to a psychologist. They can guide you through your feelings in this common scenario you’re in & help you process & let go of your anger, guilt & pain that you shouldn’t have to go through.

Again, your brothers are 18 & capable of getting jobs to pay for their clothes & phone bills. My parents were financially very stable when I was 18 & I still got jobs in high school & university, to buy myself all the things I wanted & to be more independent. You said you supported yourself at their age. Just keep all that in mind for perspective, when you start feeling guilty. We are all responsible for our own lives, once we are adults.

View Quoted Comment I completely agree with you. I'm spending my first weekend off from nursing school helping her pack up her house to move and taking her to get their clothes. (Shes on oxygen and needs help getting places) I did not get the babying they did/do. Shes worried about where she will live (moving wasnt by choice) she declined living with us and now that she cant she is upset because I moved states and the option isnt there any more. My other siblings do not help and the pressures always on me. I've been saying for months to her she needs to pack and plan and save and she just didnt do it and now it's to late and shes upset and stressed and I feel like the weight is in my shoulders and when I tell her this she gets so angry and we fight. I just dont know what to do anymore.

I completely understand how you feel, when I was 16 my parents separated and I had to help my mom with bills. It’s unfortunate that she’s in a bad place, but it’s not on you to help her if you can’t afford to. I hope things work out!

You shouldn't feel guilty. By continuing to help your mother, you are enabling her poor spending habits. Your brothers are old enough to work, even without state IDs, and should be responsible for their own clothing, necessities, etc. now.

Your FS must be a saint too, to allow you to continue bailing your mother out.

You've done more than enough. It's time to start investing in YOUR future, and that starts with your wedding.

View Quoted Comment That is very hard, and I'm sorry. It's awful that your mom is in this situation, but you gave her options and told her what she should have been doing. Is she collecting any social security benefits? If she's on oxygen she should be eligible for some things. It isn't much, but the benefits can usually cover some of the bills. I used to work in the social work field, and there are a lot of organizations that can help with clothes and utilities and such. Maybe see if you can find any of these resources in her area? At the end of the day, she is an adult and you as her child can only do so much to help in the situation.

I'm sorry this is happening, but agree with others that it sounds like your mom has guilting you down to a science. It also sounds like she's very passive aggressive -- says things to make you feel guilty, then when you respond, she says, she "never ASKED you for anything." That's a textbook example of a double-bind: putting you in a position where whatever you do, you're wrong. Ignore her comments? You're cold and unfeeling! Respond to her comments? That's on you, she NEVER asked for help! Either way, she "wins" in her sick manipulations. I agree with others that in the long-run, you might find talking with a therapist really helpful. In the short-run, since you've already responded more than once by letting her know that you are not currently in a position to help financially, I'd just do my best to ignore anything she says about her financial situation. I also agree with you that your brothers are fully capable of getting jobs and paying their own expenses. We're blessed to be in a different financial situation (in large part because we've worked very hard and made tough choices) than it sounds like your mom is, but our daughter had a job from the time she was 15 (all through HS and then in college, and graduated from both with high honors). It sounds like your brothers (and possibly your mom) are fully capable of changing their situations, but are choosing not to. That's their responsibility, not yours. Good luck to you!

I was on my own at 18 but still had to take care of my mom because of her irresponsibility even though she earned more than I did. I let it go on for too long being guilted constantly. When I got married at 40 we bought a much smaller house than we wanted and worried about older cars breaking down so I could pay for her house and expenses. When our daughter was born this continued. Finally I had to stop because it was taking away from my family. It was very hard but you can do it. Therapy helped work on the guilt.

It is hard but I wish you luck. You deserve to put yourself and FH first.

View Quoted Comment MOB, I always love your responses on here, truly. Crystal, I totally agree with all of the above and I hope things get better for you. The boys could go to Goodwill and find some nice clothes.. With all the Kon Mari purging going around, they could probably find some brand new stuff to wear for a fraction of the cost. There are ways to throw inexpensive parties if you're creative about it etc. Just saying.. Where there's a will there's a way. Hopefully she can still find a way to celebrate with them, but not guilting you anymore in the process.

Crystal, one more thing. Not sure how close you are with them (or if you'd want to add one more event to plan to your hat), but if you're close with your mom you could at least throw out some ideas for an inexpensive grad parties.

Venue: at home, cost $0
Cake: Walmart or Costco, est. $40 depending on size
Drinks: Water and Soda: $20
Food: Pizza and salad $125
Paper goods: Dollar Store $15

Etc. You get the idea. It doesn't have to be elaborate.. Just a gathering of the people who care about them and want to celebrate.

You're not being selfish its your day!! None of this is on you at all. dont push it off again!

Thank you for your insites. I'm going to do my best it's just really hard. The comment was even made to help her make rent but I'm trying to make my own rent I am a nursing student I am not wealthy lol... I hung up the phone. Its irritating because everyone makes choices this doesnt happen just because and I don't want to be the accountable one because it's not fair. I'm trying to a baby after the wedding I can't take care of two families and too top it off my sister isnt coming to my bachorlette now and if she come helps my mom (she lives in Iowa I'm in pa) she wont be going to the wedding so out of 6 siblings the pressure is on me. It's so tough and stressful.