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Just Said Yes July 2019

Feeling depressed & needing advice

Helena, on May 13, 2019 at 1:40 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 11
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Prior to me getting engaged, my mum and I were best friends. Since I’ve gotten engaged she’s become super overbearing with the wedding. I like and want things a certain way and she just happens to want everything I DONT want in terms of colours, decorations, flowers etc. Everything we like is opposite to each other and me and my fiancé have discussed already what we want and have agreed on it.
She pretty much wants to decorate the entire church. (She’s not a decorator at all but says she wants to have a go...) I showed her multiple times what I want and she keeps showing me her ideas (which is completely the opposite). When I told her I want it a certain way, she got angry and yelled at me and called me self-centred and I’m taking away her happiness for not letting her do what she wants. The cake she wanted (fondant) was also completely opposite to what we wanted (naked) and she got offended/angry at me for that too. She’s also upset that FH has specified what store to buy suits at (my brother is a groomsmen) saying, I can’t believe you’re forcing the SUITS your brother is wearing too. Etc
Everything and anything I say she says is completely disrespecting her and her wishes and from this moment on she’s given up on me and needs space. She also said she’s just my mother and for me to not treat her as a friend anymore. Just really really hurtful words & still just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve cried and apologised and said sorry if what I say comes out wrong etc but she won’t have any of it and insists I’m the most self-centred person and worse than my sister (who had a 2-month shot gun wedding & who didn’t even include my family in photos)
Me and FH are paying for the wedding, his family gave us $20K solely for the wedding and don’t care what we do or how we do it. My parents have been helping here and there but my mum especially expects me to do whatever she wants. She had it out with me the other day saying “this wedding is not just about YOU. Stop being self-centred. It’s about FAMILY TOO” and I don’t know what to do.
Just really depressed. Can’t stop crying. 54 days until I finally move out and but my relationship with my mother is the worse it’s ever been and I don’t see it getting any better because it’s been this long..
Would appreciate any advice...

11 Comments

  • Formerbride
    VIP June 2019
    Formerbride ·
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    I am so sorry you're going through this. Some people do not want to see that this is just one day in a lifetime of days and it is not worth creating rifts in relationships. I have heard from many older people that the wedding is abou the family. I don't understand what decorations has to do with the family 🤷‍♀️. It'd be one thing if you were intentionally trying to make your guests uncomfortable, but clearly, that is not the case. I think the only thing you can do is appeal to her softer side. Try to tell her that you don't want to have fights about flowers and centerpieces when some brides don't even have a mom to share their ideas with. Your next best bet is not to consult her anymore. If she can't be positive, she shouldn't be given the details.
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  • Cristy
    Master May 2021
    Cristy ·
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    Ok, just breathe. Many of us have overbearing mothers and/or mothers-in-law. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

    First, it is my opinion that this wedding IS all about you and FH. It is NOT about family, not really. I guess it is in the sense that two families are merging into one, but not the way your mother means. Maybe she didn't get to have the wedding she wanted, or maybe, because your sister essentially cut her out of her wedding, you are getting the brunt of mom's frustration. But the fact remains that it is YOUR wedding (not hers), and she's not paying for the whole thing, so she really is not entitled to any control or any final decision making. She may not like that, but that's the facts.

    Now that we've established that, many will advise you to sit her down and have a reasonable conversation about your feelings, her interference, and how it is making you feel, in an attempt to get her to back off. But it sounds like she isn't going to be reasonable, so I'm not going to even advise you to do that. Here's what I advise:

    Plan the wedding that you and FH want. You are paying for it yourselves (with a chunk of financial help from FHs family), so do what you want, period. However, do not discuss any more wedding plans with your mother. It's the only way you're going to get what you want, without a fight from her at every turn. Do not discuss it with her, do not share any of your ideas (she'll only put them down), do not tell her what you are spending (she'll only criticize), do not ask her opinion for anything.

    It sounds harsh, and I'm sure it won't be easy. Moms like this are used to bullying their way, and she sounds like she won't give up control quietly. But it's the only way, if you want the wedding you and FH want.

    Maybe tell her that you and FH have decided to go a different direction, and are keeping the remaining details a secret/surprise. You may have to have this conversation more than once, if she keeps asking/bugging for details. But it's better than having her control everything and not getting the wedding you want.

    Again, I'm so sorry, and good luck.

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  • Summerbride77
    VIP July 2019
    Summerbride77 ·
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    I agree with all of this. It will be okay.

    It it sounds like you’re living in a pretty tense environment, are you at all able to move out sooner than you planned. Have some space between you and your mother may help ease things.
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  • Allie
    Master August 2019
    Allie ·
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    I'm sorry and I'm in a similar situation. 5 more months til I can move out... I'm giving my mom total creative freedom on two things that I don't care about. Favors/welcome bags and glassware for the bar. That way she feels included but it gets her out of my other business. I'm trying to get as much space as I can from my mom right now so maybe we will stop irritating each other.

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  • Grace
    Expert June 2019
    Grace ·
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    Me and my mom got in a lot of fights about everything in the beginning too. She just didn’t like anything I had to say about the wedding. When we went to pick out my dress we had so much fun. It was just me, her and a childhood friend and it was a great day. After that we continued to get in fights about wedding things. I told her how much fun I had with her wedding dress shopping and that I wished everything we did with the wedding could be that much fun and that we could mutually agree on things. Things definitely calmed down after that bc I think she also had a fun time dress shopping and realized that everything we were fighting about really wasn’t a big deal and that planning a wedding could be more of a bonding experience. This was also in the first few months of planning and time has definitely helped calm everyone down too. I think everyone just has such high expectations for what they want in the beginning and then everyone realizes that the decorations and colors are not that big of a deal in the end
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  • Future Mrs. K
    VIP June 2019
    Future Mrs. K ·
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    I think Allie made a good point. If you give people control over stuff you really don't care about, it makes them feel included and you get them out of your hair.

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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    WTF? I’m so sorry! Your mom is ridiculous. This *IS* your day and the vision you & your fiancé want. Please stop apologizing to her and let her know you love her dearly but this stress is not healthy for either of you, and you & your fiancé will take over from here. If she asks questions, just tell her you want to surprise everyone. If she continues to insult you, please set boundaries (tell her how you feel, that you need her to stop, spend less time with her if she does not behave).

    🤗
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  • Nicole
    Super October 2021
    Nicole ·
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    I'm so sorry this is happening with you and your mom. Could you allow her one party to plan, bridal shower, rehearsal dinner etc? That way she can have her entire vision show...

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  • Emma
    Dedicated September 2020
    Emma ·
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    I'm actually having the opposite problem. My parents don't really want anything to do with my wedding, and don't really want me getting married. I haven't even told my dad we're planning the wedding for next year, because he wants us to be living together for 2 years before getting married (we've been together since I was 14, so 7 years now. We just moved in together a month ago, but will have lived together over a year by the time we get married.) And I moved out of my mom's house because all she did was talk very poorly about FH.
    My advice for you is to start telling her less and less about the details, because it'll just start a fight. Give as little detail as possible, and just focus on you and your FH. I wish you the best of luck, and hope your mother won't show up in her own white dress.
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  • Sandicomm
    Dedicated May 2019
    Sandicomm ·
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    Well, she’s wrong, this wedding is about YOU. Family is meant to support you only. It sounds like she isn’t prepared to see you as an adult/is scared about you moving out. I’m sorry you’re depressed and that your mom is being selfish. Did your parents have a similar wedding to yours or was it smaller? Perhaps she is trying to have some vicarious wish fulfillment, which isn’t fair to YOU.

    I know it’s hard, but plan your wedding your way, and try to include your mom when possible (ie, if you are deciding between two options invite her to help you decide, but don’t let her go whole hog with a completely separate idea). You are your own woman and sooner or later she will have to accept that. Friends don’t steamroll friends and same should go with parents too.
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  • Expert August 2020
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    I'm afraid you'll have to set your foot down otherwise you'll feel like your wedding is ruined.

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