My dad isn't in my life - he and my mom had a very difficult divorce (I was brought into the middle of it, constantly pulled into financial discussions at the age of 13 regarding my mom's spending on myself and my brother for classes and whatnot, needed to testify in their court trial at the age of 14, etc.), and for a number of reasons at 14 I decided to not maintain contact with my dad. Of course, my whole adolescent and adult life I always thought I was the one who decided to "cut him out of my life", but with therapy I've come to realize it was pretty both sided as my dad didn't really try to stay in touch either. Anyway, it's been 15 years since I've seen or spoken to him and needless to say he's not invited to my wedding. My FMIL asked my FH and I during brunch if we'll be having a mother/son dance (she's aware that my dad isn't in my life), and my FH responded "sure" - we hadn't had a conversation before, but since my dad's not in the picture, I'd been kind of apprehensive about a mother/son dance because I didn't want to be reminded of the lack of having an active father on what should be a happy occasion... Every father's day and big milestone (such as graduating from undergrad and grad school) is already a painful reminder... Aside from that, I always thought the tribute is a little tacky and it was one of many wedding traditions I could do without (and would prefer to). I know I should have had a conversation with my FH about it sooner, but the question caught us both off-guard and I shouldn't have just assumed that he might want to see how I feel about it before committing to doing a mother/son dance given my familial situation. I've since mentioned to him that I'm a little uneasy about it and that having a mother/son dance makes me feel like it just highlights how my dad's not around, and it's not an important/must-have for my FH, but his mom is so excited about it that I think he hasn't had the heart to say anything and now it's certainly too late to say or do anything at all. She's constantly searching for songs for them to dance to, and every time the topic is brought up, I just go silent and divert eye contact because...well I feel uncomfortable and I don't know what to do. I feel terrible for feeling this way because I don't want to "rob" my FMIL of this experience just because I effectively don't have a dad, and she shouldn't have to suffer for something outside of her control. At the same time I'm having a hard time not feeling a little emotional about the situation and the painful reminder.
I know that doing a mother/daughter dance could be possible, but again, I find the whole tradition kind of tacky as I don't think anyone wants to sit and watch a parent/child dance. There is a song that is really special to my mom, and I was planning to have it on our DJ's playlist to play a little, knowing my mom will 100% run over to me and dance with me to it, but I don't plan on having the DJ formally announce it as a mother/daughter dance. I was thinking perhaps we could do the same for my FH/FMIL - they can pick a song that's really special to them, and when it plays they know that it's for them, but no formal announcement. I don't know how my FMIL will take this though, and I was hoping to get your guys' opinions on the best sort of compromise.
